Adam VS The "Ladies" of Singapore

Before reading this you should know that I was particularly extra inebriated on this particular night.  So there are NO pictures on this one.  Hopefully that doesn't make it any harder to follow.  Sometimes I get drunk and forget the camera/forget I have the camera and don't take pictures.  Either way, pictures or not, it's a fun story at my expense (the best kinds of stories) of my battles with the tranny's in Singapore.  Enjoy.  Cheers.  

 I hope that everyone who reads this at least has an idea of what a "lady-boy" is.  If not, then let me enlighten you to a new term.  A "lady-boy" is basically a drag queen.  A guy who has had the technical surgeries or body part removal to replace their guy parts with some replica of a female anatomy.  These surgeries include boob jobs, Adam's apple removal, vagina replacement...just to name a few.  Without going into great detail or a frightening Google search.

I also hope that everyone who reads this knows that these type of interactions were my greatest fear in coming to Southeast Asia.  I am terrified of these people.  Not because I have a problem with gay people (I have several friends who are) or even gay guys who want to be women (Yes, I've been to a drag show...no I wasn't particularly excited about it...either time...nevermind).  But....you gotta tell me man!!!  That's where I draw the line!  If you want to be a "lady-boy"....fine....do whatever makes you happy....but you know who is NOT going to be happy if you don't tell him that you're a dude first???

This f*****' guy.  That's who.

I have been told by countless travelers before me that when coming to Singapore and Thailand especially, I should be on my guard at all times.  That it is nearly impossible to spot these "lady-boys" without a little research (Take that as you will).  I have also told every single one of them that they are completely full of crap and there is NO WAY that you can't tell the difference from a male and female even with the add/subtracted cosmetics involved.  You just have to look for the signs.

Now I'm on high alert.  Alex and I have been playing vigorous rounds of "is that a guy or a girl?" since we arrived off the plane.  It’s only amplified after we have been drinking and begin chatting at bars with what WE BELIEVE to be the fairer sex. 

The past couple of nights had been a lot of fun.  Very eventful compared to the first few.  We were starting to realize where we needed to go to have a good time.  We were learning our way around, not simply throwing darts on the map anymore. 

One of these nights we chose to go out to a bar that my friend Mabel recommended to me.  A place called “Barkode” where her friend works.  We thought that we would start out there because it was close by in “Little India” and it doesn’t hurt to name drop a friend every once in awhile for cheap drinks.

“Barkode” was closed much to our dismay.  It was midnight on a Saturday, there is no reason a bar should be closed at that time…but it was.  So we had to make a backup plan.  We chose to go back to Clark Quay. 

That’s when things start to get a little hazy for me.  I don’t really remember the names of the places, all I know is that they were a lot of fun and the first place had a live band which was nice, even though I have no idea what they were singing about.  It was precisely what we were looking for…there was only one problem...

My feet are in quicksand at this point.  I can’t move.  I want to move.  I want to go to the dance floor, a girl even reads my mind and grabs me to go to said dance floor.  I’m stuck…my legs have betrayed me, a bottle of Jim Beam, a few beers/shots and a zanex will do that to you I guess. 

I can only imagine her face, with me standing there grinning like an idiot having a great time…in my head.  Only my body is completely frozen and I can’t stop leaning on the bar.  She must have thought I was a real winner.  

I did manage to eventually pry myself away from the "safe zone".  We ended up meeting a few new people and having fun at the next place as well.  It was torrentially down pouring rain, so we weren’t prepared to grab a cab and go home, the night must continue.  Luckily for us, Clark Quay is covered from above so everyone is in the same predicament.  We can’t go home yet, so let’s keep the party going. 

I split up from the group outside and went to the bathroom somewhere outside in Clark Quay.  I hear this really loud music from across the wall.  So naturally, I ended up leaving the bathroom and walking the opposite direction of where you’re supposed to go out and I end up coming through the service entrance of a night club! 

My feet have been freed from their stoic state and I am now able to enjoy the music.  I head straight for the dance floor.  Alex must have been behind me because a few songs into it, there he is!  Along with the girls and the other people we had been hanging out with. 

The rest of the night is a bit of a blur.  Apparently I spat on the bar at one point in the club and took a picture of it for no apparent reason.  Alex said I just kind of did it and started laughing hysterically.  I have no idea; I think he’s a liar…except for the proof of me actually doing it....somewhere.

I found out the next day that Singapore is somewhat renowned for their restrictions on actions such as these.  Apparently, getting caught for smoking can lead to a fine, as well as throwing cigarette butts on the ground…these fines also including…spitting.  To the tune of $500 per lugee.  I’m very thankful for such a dark contained night club space where my idiotic behavior could go unnoticed.

We end up leaving the club around 6am and I almost get into a fight with a guy in the street.  Literally, he was in the street.  Supposedly he was trying to hail a cab and I started yelling at him…or in my mind at the time…saving his pathetic life.  No blows came to pass but he did tell me that if he found the picture I took of him  on the Internet…that I was in big big trouble.  Sure buddy....see ya around.  Best threat I've ever had directed at me, of all time.  I've dealt with some serious retards in my day but this guy was on a "Forrest Gump"-esque level of idiot.  

So I know why you're all here. In the grand scheme of things the aforementioned tale was just a buffer.  You want to know how I was accosted by men in women's clothing.  I get it.  Doesn't make this any sweeter for me either by the way.  So here you go....  

The next night we chose to hit the Orchard Towers.  Or as they’re more affectionately known, the "4 floors of Whores".  This is the perpetual hotbed for prostitute activity.  We didn’t even go out until 2am so obviously we knew what we were doing…or so we thought. 

I had never actually paid for sex and to be honest, I really didn’t want to.  I’m not even sure why we were there.  It just seemed like a great idea at the time, we wanted to see what the “real Singapore” was all about I guess.  I'm talking Jack Sparrow and a bunch of Asian prostitutes in a bathhouse sort of Singapore.  Well, we did and it was awesome!  Minus anything Captain Jack was talking about.  

Awesome, until the first second I stepped out of the cab and started walking down the street…I feel a hand grab my wrist and a voice say, “Looking for a good time?”.  Except at this exact moment my brain is also registering what I've heard as I realize that the voice was way way too deep and the hand grasping my forearm was large and uncharacteristically strong.  The fingers were a little rougher than a woman’s should be.  Something is here is amiss.....

The description of this lasts a few sentences, however this all happens in my head within a matter of seconds….um...wait...is that a...."that’s A DUDE!!!  OH...THAT'S A DUDE!", I exclaim.  

I turn around and witness the first of many many “lady-boys” that I will come in contact with that evening.  Except, he had NOT done a good job at all of hiding this fact, or maybe I’m just a genius with a high “gay-dar” or "bullshit detector", I don’t know.  I’m not asking either, just happy it turned out that I possess these gifts that keep me away from all other penial-activity.

I freak out.  I’m not prepared for this.  I already feel violated.  I’m also at a loss for words and for those who know me, that is no small task.  I’m not quite sure what I’ve gotten myself into down here.  Alex takes me into a convenient store, I’m still reeling off cry’s of shame like I’m….

He wants to buy condoms...you know, just in case.  I tell him, "This is a bad idea, I’m not going through with this".  It was a bad idea to begin with and that was BEFORE I was accosted by a chick with dick.  He's still a bit hesitant but who can blame the kid after our first 5 minutes out of the cab?  We make a pack not to leave without each other.  Regardless of what happens.  This makes me feel a little bit better so we finally decide to head into one of the bars on the first floor. 

We run into a drunken English guy outside the first bar.  He’s hanging out with 3 OBVIOUS lady-boys.  We try to tell him and they keep pulling him away.  They don’t like us very much, which is fine with us we’re just trying to make sure he doesn’t go home with a dude or 3. 

He was nice enough though and we all went in together.  That’s when we ran into Kevin.  Kevin was an older Scottish man there for no particular reason other than getting himself some Asian whores.  He knew exactly where to go and who to talk to.  He was not particularly fond of the English guy we found out, we also came to believe that the English KNEW those were dudes and didn’t care.  So we left him to his own devices….or the "girl’s" devices…whatever those may be.  

That's got to be the equivalent of reverse Christmas I think.

On Christmas morning, you run down stairs so gleeful and excited to see what Santa brought you this year.  You suppress all the bad things you did throughout the year in telling yourself that you were a good boy/girl.  You rip open the package and become even more excited at the first words on the box as long as their not another package of socks from Grandma.

Reverse Christmas.  You run UP the stairs to whatever hotel room the he/she takes you to.  You're already suppressing all the bad things you're about to do, let alone how you're going to feel in the morning when you wake up next "it".  You rip open the pants or skirt or whatever may be happening in their nether region only to find a different kind of package...wishing for socks or some other horrible gift from Grandma instead. That's got to be the worst thing to ever happen to anybody ever....

The 2^nd place we go into in the Four Floors of Whores had an amazing band that I didn’t even see on stage.  I didn’t see them because once inside we are literally surrounded by big tittied Asian chicks.  The first one that comes up to me was gorgeous, or so Jim Beam would tell me later.  This is going to be tougher than I thought.  I feel her wrist to make sure it is a proper size for a female nor any stubble from shaving.

I like to think at that point I had gotten a real knack for pointing out the he-she’s.  We talk for a little while but I eventually tell her I’m not interested.  I didn’t want to do that but I also didn’t want to take home a prostitute either.  She finally gives up after countless advances and walks away.  But almost as if they were a tag team another equally attractive big tittied Asian chick makes her way over to me.  I can’t get away from this.

This is insane.  The amount of will power I’m using is running me dangerously low.  This one won’t leave.  She stays by my side the whole night.  I’m not even looking or talking to her at some points but there she is and every time I take a step somewhere or try to talk to the boys she holds my hand or pulls me near her.  A man can only take so much, I’m not made of stone here.

She actually convinces me that I may want to take her home.  Then we start talking prices and I come to my senses.  I still don’t want this.  $150 for the night?  “No thanks”.  She goes down to $100.  I tell her, “No” again.  She won’t leave though.  She stays with me the whole time.  I literally ask her verbatim if she is a dude.  She says, “No” and seems very angry that I would even ask. 

I didn’t actually think she was but I was trying to get her to leave without being mean.  We ask about the girl that Alex is talking to, they start speaking their native language.  We get no answer from Alex’s girl....  Interesting. 

The girl at the end of the night decides that she actually “likes me” and tells me I don’t have to pay.  She just wants to come home with me.  She might have almost had me if we weren’t staying in a hostel dorm the size of a broom closet.  But I also had my wits about me still and wondered if she was planning on robbing me. Or so some of the stories go.  

Eventually I tell her “No” one final time and that she should leave.  She still doesn’t go anywhere.  I kind of felt bad. We hoped into our cab and left her standing on the sidewalk.  I told her to go off but she just kept looking at me like Harry from "Harry and the Hendersons" when John Lithgow is yelling at him to go away. 

What I learned was that if I can turn down 2 big tittied attractive Asian women in 1 night.  I can pretty much do anything.  My confidence level peaked then.  I was very proud of myself.  I didn’t know I had it in me.  They’re usually a focal point of weakness, my pink elephant if you will.  Not this time Singapore.  Yahtzee!  

Singapore "Happy Days"

Honestly, the next day after I was Singapore Slung (thank you Dan for correcting my grammar, jerk!) we didn't even leave the hostel.  It was pretty bad. Not going to lie, it was pretty sad.  With matching sentiments were my stomach, head and face.  Sad/Sickness was the theme.  The whole day consisted of movie watching, sleeping and catching up on this blog, that's it.

However, the day after our hangover catch up day we awoke early and refreshed and ready to explore Singapore.  One problem.  Apparently Singapore as a whole, is under construction.  There is barely a part of the city that one can go without being directed elsewhere by construction zones and/or workers.  I found that out when I woke up early and went out for my morning run.  I ran all the way from "Little India" to the Esplanade but I couldn't get through...this would be a regular occurrence throughout the day.

I did however get a chance to see some Singaporean military training and a helicopter that I have decided appeared out of absolutely nowhere.  I decided I had better run back to the hostel before someone realized I was taking pictures of their military...like some sort of untrained American spy would be doing...

I came back to find Alex had done his homework and found some cool spots for us to check out during the day.  So we decided to go back down towards Marina Bay because that is one of the major tourist destinations in all of Singapore.    

It was incredibly hot and muggy (which we already knew), but a lot of places don't even open until midday (which we didn't know).  Everything in Singapore is geared toward the night life.  We hopped on a bus down to the Marina and walked around the river for a little while.  We saw that they had riverboat tours and assumed that this would be the best way to see the riverside and take some photos.

This turned out to be an awful idea and not by our own accord.  Two boats showed up at relatively the same time.  The old man running the "service" directed us on to the second of them.  The problem with this was, the first boat had 3 FREAKING PASSENGERS on it....the boat we were told to get on was completely FULL!

Marina Sands Towers

We were not pleased about this.  Full of Indians and other various annoying children, the Indians were all sitting on the sides where the windows were (you know, the place where people sit and take pictures)...only they were NOT taking any pictures and their own little spawns of Satan kept howling like a pack of hyenas (no, like literally howling...not just making noise).  Alex makes a quip of wonderment curiously about whether or not it's okay for the parents to hit their children in this country...he is sitting next to a cop, I think he knew, but it was too late.  The whole thing was just terrible.

Not to mention while riding around we saw 2 other boats WITH NO ONE ON THEM.  The fury was reaching epic proportions between both Alex and I.  We knew we needed to get off that boat immediately before we did something we would regret.

Floating platform

You're supposed to ride all the way out through 2 of the "historic" Quays along the river and come back.

We got off the first time they stopped.

The guy thought that we were confused, "No this isn't your stop, you guys GET to ride back", he said.  Alex lets slip, "No this is definitely our stop, your tour sucks".  To which the guy had no reply, nodded and generally seemed to accept that fact....like he already knew.

He lets us off in some sort of an outdoor mall area called Clark Quay (one of the major tourist destinations).  We saw a Hooters on the way in and we started chatting.  We were curious to see what an Asian Hooters establishment had to offer...in the form of wings....of course.

NOT.  Hooters is a terrible place I don't care where in the world you are and "NO ONE goes to Hooters for wings" to truly quote Chris Rock.  I'm pretty sure that it's well known (if it's not, it's about to be) that large breasted Asian women are some what of an anomaly.  They're like shooting stars or eclipses in a way because they don't come around very often but you get really excited when they do!!!

So we wanted to go and see what Singapore considered "hooters".  They were well represented I must say.  Alex had to ruin it for me when he asked which one's were the "pretty boys".  That killed it for me.

For those who don't know, the "pretty boys" he was referring to are guys who look like girls...on purpose.  Only apparently in Singapore you can't tell the difference.  They get sex changes, implants, Adam's apples removed, the whole nine.  It's been my single greatest fear of going to Southeast Asia.  I'm absolutely terrified of finding a "pretty boy"...even though I have a fresh bag of "complete denial" ready if I ever did find one....I don't know if my psyche would be able to handle it.  I think I'd be able to tell...but until then I'm checking all throats, faces and hands!!!

Hooters is where we also originally found out how expensive drinks were in Singapore.  A pitcher of beer was $40, a regular beer was in $9-12 range.  It's the only expensive thing in Singapore really...which is about as funny as rubber crutch because that's all Alex and I were trying to do here.  How can bread be $1 and beer $10?  We were getting full meals in Chinatown for $3 for God's sakes!

ION shopping mall

We taught ourselves the train system and worked our way down to the "shopping district".  Which was pointless.  We're guys obviously, there's nothing for us here...except for the eye-candy, that was quite nice (they're not all men, they're not all men, is what I kept saying in my head).

It's shops after shops in the district, huge underground malls, it was really cool...if you have money.  All I needed was a Singapore patch for my bag and I couldn't find a novelty shop anywhere.  Which I found amazing because usually when you go to these tourist traps you can't get away from the "knick-knack" shops of useless, unwanted, mitigated crap.  So we walked down a little further and found the red-headed stepchild of the shopping district...the "Kmart" of all the shopping centers if you will.

Orchard Road

I found more than I bargained for, the lady had a patch from the U.S. and Malaysia (which is cool because now I don't have to hunt one out there) as well...but she wanted way too much money for them.  So I talked her down about 33 percent of what she originally wanted and got 3 new patches for my bag.

(Sidebar: The reason the patches are a big deal to me is because I have decided to get one from every country I go to and sew/iron them on as I go...seen at the bottom).

We spent the rest of the day walking around...literally.  We got lost on the way to the Botanical Gardens and we were too stubborn for cabs or buses because we were conserving our wealth or lack there of (DAMN THAT ASIAN CASINO!).

The Botanical Gardens was absolutely beautiful and it was enormous.  So many fragrances and flowers, the Gardens themselves are split up into different subjects and categories.  There's an "Evolution Garden" with more of the historic trees and other wildlife.  There is also a "Healing Garden" that shows which herbs and plants are used to treat certain diseases and illnesses.

Those are the only 2 we managed to check out that day.  The place was huge and we were quite tired so we  decided to head back but it is definitely worth the time if you ever get a chance to go.

The days did get a lot better as well and the people were also very friendly.  I think the key is that you really don't need 8 days in Singapore.  You can probably do everything in 3-4.

One evening I wound up drinking with a lot of random locals by myself.  I went to order some food at one of the restaurants near by and the guys behind the counter didn't speak English.  So I just pointed at what I wanted and he kept pointing at the duck in the window.  I think he was trying to tell me that either A) that's all they had or B) the duck is bad, pick something else.  I still don't know.

Tony (seated to my right) and the gang

Either way a guy named Tony came up and helped me order.  He spoke enough English for us to communicate but not quite enough for me to understand everything he said.  They invited me to join them for a drink while I waited for my food.  So I sat down and began chatting with Tony and his friends.  One beer, led to many as they wouldn't exactly let me leave.  Even when I got my food, they just kept pouring me drinks.  I would say, "No, no thank you, I have to go".  They would pour me another.  I would wave her away from my cup but as soon as my hand was clear, she would pour more beer into it.  I was beer-raped.  Which sounds more tragic than it actually is.

This happened a numerous amount of times, I figured what the hell I'm here, so I grabbed my bag and was going to start eating.  Then all the guys at the table started mumbling something and actually closed the to-go tin for me.  I have no idea why.  They kept pointing at their stomachs.  I was thinking, "Man, I'm not trying to feed you but if I sit here any longer my food is going to be cold".  So that's when I realized I had to go.  Nice guys though, very hospitable and funny from what I could tell.

Here's my guy!

That experience happened in Chinatown, I liked Chinatown the best of all the suburbs we visited.  Everything is right there, all you need and more that you don't.  I went and did more exploring and was able to find a Buddhist temple.  I really like to do things like that.  I walked through the halls and read through the scriptures.

It's just very funny to me that a religion based around "cleansing yourself of material possessions" has lots and lots of gold EVERYWHERE.  But it was cool learning about the different deities that they worship.  Mine would be: AKASAGARBHA because I was born in 1986 which is the year of the Tiger.

We also managed to find a beach on one of the other days.  On the other side of the theme park "Sentosa" there were these man-made beaches and a couple of bars.  "Sentosa" itself is on an island and that's where they have roller coaster rides and cool exhibits, Universal Studios, as well as another casino (they keep following me!).  It took us almost all day to get over there and even more time to walk across the entire park but it was worth it to finally get into the water.

On our last night we went on a Night Safari.  They wouldn't allow us to take any pictures of the animals because they're nocturnal but we got to see everything; rhinos, hippos, lions, tigers, hyenas, pythons.  It was really cool!

Alex split his pants, so at least one of us was scared

It wasn't quite like I thought it would be.  I wanted to go out into the outback.  It was more like a zoo...at night.  Not sure what I was expecting but when I heard "safari" that's what I thought would happen.  They do drive you around but I was thinking we may be in at least some sort of danger.

All in all Singapore is an awesome place to visit...if you have money.  There's a lot of cool attractions and things to see...if you have money.  There's plenty to do all around the city...if you have money.

So there is a round-about collection of things we did during the day when we weren't drinking in Singapore, Singapore.  Or at the very least an example of my poor summarisation skills.

What we found out was that there is really no reason to go out during the day in Singapore, unless...you guessed it...you have money.

The "incomplete" bag

The Tooth Relic Temple

The Guardian

The "offering" service

Lots of material possessions here....hmmm

Sentosa art

Sentosa beach