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| More severe than it seemed...sorta |
The plan, as it were, was that one of Nate’s good
friends was throwing a party and we were all scheduled to attend. I say scheduled because it was a "fancy" private
function where you needed to have your name on a list, you know, like "Chucky Cheese" (fancy!). That type of party can only go one of two ways…really awesome or really..."should have stayed at home with the booze and the gun".
 |
| Now THIS...I could get into |
The party was to be held in a tomato orchard. Okay…sort of hillbilly but those are sometimes fun...
With security (at the door, checking names on a list) and a DJ. Okay…a little too "P.Diddy" for me, but could be interesting at least...
Bring your own alcohol. Not always bad. Not always good either. You're losing me...I haven't been lost but....Okay...
 |
These are the only things we knew when
we got back to the house from the beach and began drinking.
Then Nate actually decides to read the text
message from the girl who is throwing the party. Keep in mind, we are supposed to leave
to go to this party in that next hour or so when the information comes to
us.
I’m the new one to the group, so I’m
keeping my mouth shut to this point. I’m
not trying to step on any toes here so I’m just going with the flow. The party doesn't sound to great but I’m up
for whatever.
Until I hear about how the rest of the
party will be.
Remaining previously unmentioned party logistics:
 |
| White people problems #001 |
$15 cover charge at the door....FOR WHAT? We're bringing out own alcohol? Am I getting a vegetable/fruit basket at this party?...No? What the hell am I paying for?
Western Themed…
mmm....now I'm all about the theme parties generally...although western is probably one of my least favorite...for accessibility and cost purposes...plus we are supposed to be there in an hour...no dice
 |
| Not nearly enough of this at these things... |
Bring your own coolers, blankets, and
chairs…aka we have nowhere for you to sit...can we go back to the first unmentionable? What the f*** are we paying YOU for?
20 minutes away…cab ride there, cab ride
back, $15 cover, b.y.o.b…..b.u.l.l.s.h.i.t.
 |
| My mental image of this idea |
I’ll roll out somewhere solo in a
heartbeat though, I have no dramas with that.
You want me to pay for a cab ride 20
minutes away, bring my own booze, pay $15 to get in with my name on a list,
with no food supplied, to stand around in the mud, in a cold, dark tomato
orchard with a group of people I don’t know dressed as cowboys or whatever, with
nowhere to sit, then pay for a cab ride back????
 |
| Not the plan unfortunately... |
"I’m out." (drops the mic)
You guys do what you like. You lost me.
I’m not going. That’s crap, all
of it. It just kept getting worse. They read the text, looked at the Facebook
invite, and everytime someone opened their mouth to read a new detail it just
got more and more retarded.
I made it known that I was not going to
be participating in the “Tomato Mud Party” and I would be going downtown by
myself for anyone else who would like to go.
 |
| The incomparable Nate Cloud |
Luckily I wasn't the only one who felt this way. Everyone else sided with me and we got
ridiculously drunk and went downtown…where absolutely NOTHING was happening.
If you want to know a level of drunk
that I was at. Among other questionable
decisions…At the first place we went to, we got a round of drinks, all in the
$5 range. I got up to go to the bathroom
and decided to be a nice guy with my new pals and buy the round.
The guy hands me a tab for $50. I didn’t say a word, I didn’t even look at the
ticket, I didn’t question the pricing, nothing…I just slapped three 20’s inside and tell him to keep
the change….
 |
| Usually not even that amount left... |
He didn't notice (or didn’t want to
tell me), I never noticed either. I’m not
in Australia anymore, drinks don’t cost that much here. I’m an idiot.
I woke up the next morning to check the
damage in my wallet (as I do, after I wake up with my head hurting like I just had a "friends with benefits" conversation). I only took out $100, and we only went to two places…one of which, Jackie paid for the drinks…that’s when it hits me…Adam,
you’re retarded. Way to be champ.
On a brighter note, after talking to
Nate that day, we found out that the party was as disastrous as it
sounded. I think he said there were 30
people and no one could move around the orchard because of these sticky sharp
pine cone type things on the ground inside…no dancing, no sitting, no walking either. Terrible.
Terrible and I end up spending about the
same amount of money….but hey, at least I didn’t go stand in the mud.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pirate Sailboat Party
So as Jackie would tend to do from time to time during my time with her on Maui...and really since I've known her....is she comes up with these impromptu plans and ideas with out any hesitation or warning.
I love it about her actually.
Not that this was her idea, but she was invited to "Pirate" themed sailboat party (say what?...chicka chicka yeah) and decided to tell me about, oh, the day before when we were getting schwasted.
I roll off the couch the next morning hungover and pleasant as usual. The first question I'm asked is, "Adam, what are you going to do about your pirate costume for this party?"
Seeing as how I just woke up and remembered where I was and what was happening, my response was not very exciting. According to Jackie, I HAD TO find a costume, or they wouldn't let me on the boat.
Which I told her I thought was racist...but I like to call things racist that aren't actually racist. Mainly because I'm not actually sure how to clarify those particular instances where I feel there is some wrong being done to me, the white heterosexual male. I get a big kick out of it.
It's not about what's true, it's about what's funny for me....I would later find out that this wasn't the case at all however because of the 20-25 people on the boat at the party, I think 12 had some similance of a pirate outfit on (eye patch, bandanna etc). So I obviously did the only thing I know how to do in these situations...go completely overboard with my costume in the cheapest way imaginable.
What can I say? Theme parties...they're kind of my thing.
 |
| Not bad for short notice... |
I managed to miss the first boat out to the party however (because I've been late by at least 15 minutes for 26+ years now). So I had to wait at the dock for a little while for them to make another trip back. As I was sitting there enjoying my first (of many) scotch and waters, I get the feeling that I'm being watched...because I am...by EVERYBODY.
 |
| ...not bad for poor planning |
What? You guys never been to pirate party on a sailboat? JEEZ
That's when I knew my costume was a hit. Anytime you can disrupt some random civilians day, things are going well for you. We got out to the boat before sunset and started drinking, meeting people, having a good time, as we do.
 |
| Nick at the beginning of the night.... |
The reason everyone was there was for Nick. One of Jackie's best friend's boyfriend. It was his birthday and he's not entirely shy when it comes to nudity. I suppose this is a nice change of pace because I'm usually the half-naked or completely naked one of the group...but the birthday boy, rocking his birthday suit kind of goes together like a Ryan Reynolds movie where his character loses a shirt.
 |
| Clothing? Do what? |
Naked Nick began his birthday penis-parade by flying into the water to save a halogen balloon. We are eco-friendly pirates of course. He originally had one of the balloons tied to his board-shorts, a giant red-one, so it looked like his penis, so this was obviously the next logical step
Well, he couldn't get that off in time (not sure what the rush was) when it came time to jump in so he lost the shorts completely and showed his very real, very white penis to retrieve the balloon. Then just decided that the shorts were unnecessary for the remaining three hours we were there.
Everyone treated it as normal protocol. I tried to explain to them that they were decent, humble human-beings because if ANY of my friends were there and I was the naked guy, my dick would be on Facebook...yesterday.
 |
| ....rest of the night |
I also made an impromptu comment about the happy couple making out and how I was about 30 seconds away from seeing another man's boner up close and personal for the first time in my life....
Mistake.
Apparently this triggered Nick into believing that his nakedness made me uncomfortable (he don't know me very well...do he? - Bugs Bunny shout out). So Nick wanders over to me and sits down on my lap, he pulls his girlfriend Brianna up to him to make what can only be described as a "Nick's tricky dick sandwich, on very white bread with extra MAN-naise".
I subsequently respond to this by telling him that this is NOT my first rodeo (whatever that meant) and it is not even the weirdest thing I've seen or been a part of in that past month. His nakedness was just another day in the park to me, a very weird day with nudity at the park but still...I feel like if you want to be naked, you should, clothes are overrated. I'm naked while typing this right now...not really but my point is that any chance I get...I'm droppin' trow..so I know what he's "going through".
Then Nick, as if he hadn't been passing the Johnnie Walker Red bottle back and forth with me and chatting 20 minutes before...stands up, shakes my hand and announces to the whole boat, "Who are you? Who did you come here with? I like you man, I'm glad you came to my birthday party...welcome."
To close out our eventful evening on the water, Nick got "pumpkin-dicked".
Which is a term that I am officially making mine right now...because somehow someway, there was pumpkin pie aboard the ship...for eating...someone (don't remember who) decided it would funnier if they pie smashed Nick in the dick with the pumpkin pie...and they were completely right...it was funny.
After all of that, we decided to head in to shore. As you do when you shove pastries onto another humans genitalia I assume.
Bailey, one of Jackie's other friends was nice enough to give us a ride back...Bailey was also quite drunk and almost got a boat D.U.I.
Three cops walked out onto the dock as Bailey was trying to park (ahem...), force the boat in between the others. It was like a college party after that, everyone scattered. She didn't get a D.U.I. though, the cops were cool apparently. I wouldn't know because I try not to interact with policemen any chance I get...or don't get...sober OR intoxicated.
 |
| "ARRGGHH, No hot tubin' for us Adam, ARRGGHH" |
We did know where everyone was going, which in most cases is a plus. The group consensus was some hotel hot tub, which in most cases is a definite plus!
Jackie however decided long before that that in no way were we going to said hotel hot tub party. For reasons I still can't explain or fathom. She just wasn't into it and she's my buddy, and no amount of drunken pirate wenches could change that...so I went with her to "our'" local watering hole instead.
We were so drunk and did not need any more alcohol whatsoever, but we sat around and had a few more drinks anyways, like good pirates do. One of the last things that I remember was attempting to fight the goblet of beer like an old man against new age society.
At Spanky's they serve their drafts in these Lil' Jon type goblet pimp-cup things that are made of glass. They're obnoxious. Or after a bottle of hard liquor I'm just a big baby (also feasibly accurate).
 |
| "GREAT SCOTTS!" |
And then proceeding to get two more and struggling just as much to lift them up as well. Literally clawing at these impossibly "heavy" mugs like it was a weightlifting competition on ESPN. Apparently I couldn't figure out that if I kept ordering "beer", the waitress would continue to bring me the same exact goblet until I specified otherwise.
Finally, Jackie paid me a pardon and ordered me a nice/manageable bottle to drink out of...aka slip in her purse for the walk back home.
Then the "Humpty Dance" came on right as we were leaving and as for anyone who hasn't read my past adventures...I have a thing for breaking out the "Humpty Dance"...even when the "Humpty Dance" song isn't exactly being played...so when it IS played...I take every opportunity to do it...
"The Humpty Dance...is yo chance...to do the hump...oh, yeah...sexy laaadddddyyyyyy...Do the humpty-hump, watch me do the humpty-hump", to quote Shock G of Digital Underground.
I love it. Jackie, poor little white filly that she is had never heard of such a thing. So I had to teach her. In the street, carrying home our beers from her purse, after we left the bar with the humpty dance music...to do the humpty dance randomly in silence on our stumble home....
Good times Maui. Good times.
