Best of Billabong Series, Pt. 2
(some of the names have been changed to protect the guilty, some of them haven’t been changed at all…because…well, it’s just funnier that way)
These are by no means the BEST things or stories that EVER happened under the roof of the Billabong, they are just some stories that were appropriate enough for print that I happened to be around for.
If you know anything about "Tenacious D" then you'll understand the title of my next Gary "The LEGEND" Dolan story. For those who don't follow my blog much, I have a previous story about Gary you may be interested in, here's the link: http://thatlowdown.blogspot.com/2012/11/best-of-billabong-pt1-one-where-rachel.html
Applicably changed from their self-titled movie, "Pick of Destiny" to "Prick of Destiny" because I'm super creative and they sometimes use "prick" as a synonym for "dick" in Australia.
So this is a story about Gary's penis. Again. Minus the urine. Well, there could have been urine but I didn't actual see the following events take place. Just for funsies, let's do this like an episode of "24".
(On a side note: Could there be a DUMBER premise for a TV show??? Seriously. Your day CANNOT BE THAT BAD. From the moment Jack Bauer wakes up to the moment that I assume he sleeps (even though there are no episodes about that little ditty), he literally flies all over the world, stopping bombs, saving presidents, rescuing kidnapped children, etc. Whatever. It's crap.
The show is supposed to be in real time right? So you're telling me that an entire season of "24" is one week or day of this mans unfortunate life? Oh, and by the way...there's NO WAY that he would be able to get to all of those places in time to do all of those things...there's not enough time in the day Jack, it takes time to fly places...time that you NEVER seem to have a lot of...impossible.
I apologize to all "24" enthusiasts about my rant...because I have in fact never watched an episode. Not one. I heard the premise of it long ago and decided that I would never be able to get through an episode and would most likely rip it to shreds if I ever saw it, it could be entertaining and maybe Jack Bauer is a bad-ass but it's the principle of the whole thing...actually, I don't apologize, that show is stupid.)
Anyways, instead of having Jack Bauer flying around the place and solve 47 crimes in "one day"....this takes place in ACTUAL REAL TIME and Gary Dolan (who is a bad-ass) probably barely remembers any of it...
The following event takes place between the hours of 2:00-3:00AM
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| Blue towel, is my bunk on top... Gary, is seen posted up in his cave of ill-repute |
I'm laying down in Room #5, a girl named Lori and I are watching a movie in my bed. Everyone else is present and asleep. Except for Mr. Dolan. It was another one of his infamous nights off that he took full advantage of and no one had seen him all day.
If you know anything about hostel-movie-computer watching...the movies are on your laptop and unless you have a splitting device with two sets of headphones, you're generally sharing one each...semi-important fact.
It's important because while you hear the movie, you also have an ear to the room, so you can hear everything going on. Whether you want to or not.
The door bursts open and Gary stumbles in, making a mockery of the term silence. The trash can gets tipped over and Gary laughs with all the Irish glee he can muster. I look over at him and notice a girl has since followed him into the room. I look at Lori, she sighs, we attempt to pay no attention to them and put our focus back on the movie...we know what's coming...or...who's about to be cumming at least...
Gary and our random contestant of love have fumbled around towards finally finding Gary's bed and he puts up a sheet so they can have some "privacy". Which is a nonexistent piece of 6-person hostel dorm. The sheet of delight for Gary and his mistress...the sheet of despair for the rest of the room.
I give a quick look over to Joe "Sad Clown" Taylor who sleeps atop Gary's bunk. He is awake and casually reading a book. He looks back at me, smiles and shakes his head...attempting to pretend that the book was interesting enough to ignore what was about to happen beneath him.
It started out slowly. There was some light smacking/kissing noises, a couple of moans and very little disturbance.
Then....it was ON LIKE DONKEY KONG baby!
At some point during the light kissing and gentle fondling, they stopped caring that people were in the room completely...it was night and day...she was moaning MUCH louder, dirty talk was floating about ever so often, there was even a little ass-spanking action and the bed was squeaking...and shaking fairly violently. Gary....was gettin' it in...and doing a damn fine job it seemed.
Lori and I are giggling because we are in a direct view of Joe on top of this...poor Joe...sitting on top of his bed, minding his own business when the "Irish Earthquake" hit...he didn't know what to do.
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| Not the same time...but a similar reaction face |
The mystery girl wasn't the only one at Gary's mercy on this night.
Joe was shaking his head and mouthing the words, "What do I do?". He later disclosed to me his train-of-thought on the matter and what he was confused about.
He told me that he wasn't sure if he should get down from the bed and go outside, or maybe just get off the bed all together until they finished, or just sit there and ride it out. He chose to ride it out. He's a team player.
Everyone is obviously awake at this point. I can clearly see Phil and Joe on top. Biman and Rachel have yet to say anything but it's too loud to go unnoticed.
What happened next though, no one could have predicted. I actually thought that I might bust a blood vessel from laughter.
In no way am I giving this justice on the matter because you would have had to been there to understand the timing...the timing was what brought it all together. It was impeccable. It was like a movie orchestra for the climax.
AS SOON AS THEY WERE FINISHED...I mean, the exact SECOND that the bed stopped and it was over....
The room didn't even have a chance to go silent because all you could hear is, "I wanna fuck you....softly....I'm gonna screw you gently....I'm gonna hump you, sweetly...I'm gonna ball you discreetly!"
Biman had queued up his computer to play Tenacious D's "F*** her gently" song as SOON as it was over! It was classic!
I keep getting slapped by Lori because she's still trying to be discrete on the matter but I can't contain myself I'm laughing so hard that I almost fell off the top bunk. Everyone is in on it now, having a laugh...even Gary stuck his head out from his sheet of delight to survey the room...he quickly rescinded back in though, possibly to console the embarrassed naked girl in his bed.
Biman allowed the whole song to play though and as good roommates tend to do in these delicate situations...after the ballad was over...like any good show, we gave Gary and his mystery lady a long, well-deserved, slow clap.
"Way to go Gary!", we exclaimed. "Way to be, you're a champion".
The following event takes place between the hours of 3:00-4:00AM
(be-beep)
(be-beep)
(be-beep)
Things calmed down after that. I finally stopped crying from laughter and everyone went back to bed. Lori and I finished the movie, during a less vigorous but definitive round two performance. Which made Lori and I decided to take our leave back to her room...so we could avoid any possible round threes to be had.
We grabbed a bite to eat in the kitchen and happened to catch good ol' Gary having his post-celebratory-coitus cigarette in the hall. He was still quite drunk and not in the best of moods about Biman's symphony.
I'm not sure if Gary ever actually, "Got him back" as he claimed he would. I am unaware of any other round threes or any continued fraternization with the girl. We never saw her. The next morning, she left...in a hurry. I saw the top of her head as she was scooting out the door.
What I do know is that is something that neither one of them will forget, and even if they really wanted to, especially Gary; and thanks to this blog, no one else will either.
