theLOWdown: Great Ocean Road

I arrived back in Melbourne for the 2^nd time. No can of bat repellent spray needed this time around, I’m ready. I know where I am, I know where I need to go. I stay at the same hostel again and have a quite night of drinking with my old buddies Patrick and Johnny O. We play some darts and go to a bar. It’s a Monday, I wasn’t expecting too much. I wasn’t looking for too much either. I just really enjoyed the company of my new/old friends.

It’s different when you run back into people you’ve met along the way. You appreciate it more I think. You remember the good times you had (even if it was only for a few days) but you haven’t quite learned everything about them and things always change so there are new stories and adventures to share. It was a good time, not as fun as the first time around but a good thing all the same.

I originally planned to go straight the GOR from the start. I had an entire route planned where I was going to sleep on the beach, save money and learn to surf when I reached Torquay (a famous surf spot in Southern Australia).

However, all that changed when 2 of my protégés (they are NOT going to like that if they ever read this) decided to join me. My old friend from college Alex aka Cheesey Mo decided to join me in Australia. He had recently come into a lump sum of money tragically because his grandmother passed away. Sometimes a negative begets a positive though and it left him a hefty inheritance or as I like to call it, “his muthaf***** movie check” (for those Jay & Silent Bob lovers out there).

Also, my Irish buddy Gavin from Philip Island decided to join us as well. I thought the more the merrier and plus, that means splitting the car and the gas 3 ways. You can’t go wrong with splitting the bill, I always say. So Alex’s plane came in Tuesday morning/afternoon and we had to pick him up. I grabbed Gavin and we headed to the airport. If you’ve read past stories involving Sir Irish of the Wonder Boys, you should also know that without the proper motivation this can be quite the chore if you’re not careful. We’ll get to this more later.

Gavin curiously declares that we will never find him because we have no plan. I had not talked to Alex in a week or so all I knew was when his flight was coming in. I tell Gavin not to worry. We do this all the time, neither of us are very hard to find. I tell Gavin to look for a larger version of me and while betting him that we will find Mr. Lukas within 20 minutes (mainly because that’s how long we have to park where we did).

Alex spots my beardacious face from across the terminal within 10 minutes of arriving. We’re on our way! Off to the GREAT OCEAN ROAD. The GOR extends from Geelong and goes 151 miles across to Warranbool, Victoria; give or take. It goes along the southern coast of Australia with the ocean on one side and beautiful mountains and various towns on the other. It was breathtaking, most if not the entire ride.

It’s one of Australia’s most popular attractions and it’s worth every single second. There’s no way to do this trip in one go either, as we would soon learn. There are just too many options. There are the sights, the bushwalks, the shipwrecks, all the quaint little towns to visit. It’s nearly impossible, even without Gavin aka “The Anchor” (because he can keep you grounded if you don’t pick him up!).

Looks like "THE LIGHT", DON'T go into "THE LIGHT"!

We ride down to Torquay, that was our first stop. We get out to take some pictures, to check out the beach and have some sandwiches. I was pretty hungover when Gavin woke me up to go that morning, I tried to convince him to drive, then I let him get some practice along a back suburb street.

“I guess I’m driving the whole way”, I reluctantly declare. That’s abundantly clear to me now. I’ll take in as much as I can and hope that I can keep my eyes on the road long enough to not kill us all.

Torquay was where I wanted to spend my first night on the beach and surf in the morning but plans change obviously. It’s now Tuesday afternoon and we have to go, there’s no time to dilly dally (believe it or not, Microsoft Word has accepted that as proper grammar, so DILLY DALLY ALL DAY BABY!).

We drove the whole day and stopped off at random places for the beautiful views. That’s the best part when you do it by yourself instead of with a tour bus, you can stay as long as you want and visit wherever you want. There’s no real schedule. All we knew was that my flight was Thursday afternoon and I needed to have enough time to drive myself back to Melbourne (for my flight…and HOT LADY Thursday of course).

To be fair, we let our affection for women dictate a lot of our trip unfortunately. Not in a sexual way, but everywhere we went we just met the coolest females and ended up staying a little longer than intended. Our first major stop was Airey’s Inlet to see the lighthouse and master a bush walk off the cliffs. We stopped and saw the lighthouse and ran into 2 local Australian girls who were out there for the sunset.

"Get on that lighthouse so we can take a photo!"

We end up talking with them for awhile, convincing them to climb a part of the lighthouse for a photo opportunity. It was pretty hilarious watching them climb around and get down. They were good fun but we were heading in the opposite direction. They did let us know that it was the offseason and no matter where we stayed it probably wouldn’t be too busy. Which was fine with us, we were there for the scenery as much as anything else.

We travelled down through Lorne and Apollo Bay, where we decided to stay the night. It was Alex’s first time in a hostel. It was a very cool little hostel, really quaint in the middle of nowhere. We were planning on having a quite night in, you know, kind of like “The Dude” from “The Big Lebowski” has a quite night in just without the Kahlua.

Aww...Alex's first hostel ever

We went out to get some cheap seafood and headed back to the hostel. I walked into the kitchen looking for any type of condiment and met some of the other occupants. One German girl named Romy, and 3 other Irish people named Delia, Tom and Jean.

They were all sharing some bottles of wine and asked us to join. We obliged and had a few drinks. We all know what happens when you have a few drinks with the Irish…it turns into a fountain of drinks with the Irish. We all got along really well, trading stories along with other various interacting.

We spent the entire evening with them just hanging around the hostel. Tom was a police officer back in Ireland and had an uncanny ability to play the flute. He was absolutely amazing and he would just break it out and play at random times unprovoked. I felt like I was in “Braveheart”. I didn’t know if I wanted to fight for my country or fall in love under a waterfall. It was deep.

The Pied Piper himself

Delia also lent her voice to the act, she was such an amazing singer. A bit like Adelle if you believe it to be true, she’ll tell you she smokes too much to sound as good as her if you asked. She was very modest. But that’s how we spent our first evening on the GOR, trading stories and singing songs with the Irish. It was really great.

Well, until they wanted to hear the Americans sing. That’s when we realized to our dismay that Americans don’t have fun drinking songs or any sort of prideful tunes to sing about our heritage. They told us to sing the “National Anthem” or “America the Beautiful”. That wasn’t good enough compared to what we had been hearing. So we had to decline, disgracefully.

The "Allie Pose"

We awoke the next day and headed down the coast to another lighthouse destination in Cape Otway and the further most tip of Victoria. We hadn’t seen any wildlife yet and we were determined. So we found some cute girls on the side of the road instead…I think they count as wildlife anyway. According to many, I look like a lion with this beard I have, so I’m an animal. I’m counting them either way because that’s why we pulled off on the side of the road…

Turns out that the reason they were off to the side was that they had seen some koalas in the trees. So now, WE DID TOO! Finally something indigenous to the area in its own natural habitat, at last! They were so awesome! Some chilling and sleeping, others crawling from branch to branch looking for sustenance. It was awesome, I was so close to one I almost could touch him. I tried and failed, he was quite swift.

The Star of the show

We were all heading down the road to the same lighthouse; we had also caught up with our Irish friends from the previous evening. Once we all reached the lighthouse, we found out it cost money to get onto the property. So we all declined to venture inside but we heard about a waterfall not too far from there and asked the girls if they wanted to join us on a bushwalk.

Our Irish friends declined, but the other girls were keen (look at my Aussie/Kiwi lingo) so we all set off. Our goal was to see this Rainbow Falls and make it to the 12 Apostles by sunset. The walk was a great time and a lot of fun with our new buddies. But we never found the waterfall, we made a few wrong turns and ended up on the “Great Ocean Walk”.

Apparently, it’s different. A lot of people will park their cars somewhere along the GOR and actually walk most of the distance on the Great Ocean Walk. That’s what our German friend Romy was doing anyway. She rented a campervan (which I totally suggest as the best way to do the GOR) and would park it outside wherever she was staying and walk as far as she could. You get the most spectacular views that way. It’s obviously more draining physically but mentally it’s exceptionally stimulating.

We got lost for a few hours out in the walk and tried to make our way back. We parted ways because they were heading back towards Lorne where we had just come from.

Trust me, we did consider going back with them because we knew the sunset at Apollo was going to be out of reach at this point. But we didn’t have camping equipment and they were going to find a waterfall to camp out for the night (how much more awesome could this story have gotten with that backdrop!?...nevermind).

We hop in the car and start racing to the 12 apostles, desperately clinging to any wonder that we may make it in time for sunset. Ricky Bobby likes to go fast. Ricky Bobby just goes around in a circle. I like to go fast down the GOR, much more enthralling (I mean it’s not like having a cougar in the car or anything but it’s exciting!).

How fast was I flying? I don’t know but I did just recently get 2 speeding tickets sent to me in the mail. We weren’t stopped or anything but Australia enjoys putting up speed cameras in the most inane places. I wasn’t even mad really. I treated the GOR like my own personal go-kart track. There were so many turns and I was flying though them all.

All while trying to make a phone call to find out why my hostel had just kicked me and roommates out of our room. Not exactly the message you want to receive on your vacation. My friend Joe called me and left a message, “Hey man, they’re turning our room into a private room so they’re moving us all out, where do you want your stuff?” Do what now? Sorry…that’s no bueno.

So I’m sure Alex and Gavin were terrified with me whipping the car back and forth and trying frantically to find out why I was being kicked out of the room I’d been living in for 3 months. It all worked out in the end so I won’t bore you with those details.

We never made it there by sunset needless to say. We stopped and checked it out on top of the mountain where there was a massive forest fire going on behind us. I say that casually like it was no big deal but I’ve seen a lot in my day and unfortunately my capacity for things that surprise me has increased each destination I travel to. You can add random forest fire to the list.

We arrive in Port Campbell just as night fell across the ocean. It was very quiet and wholesome town, we checked into the hostel. I ran into one of my French friends Estelle there, she had recently moved from Sydney. Random once again! I love these things, I knew she had moved to Melbourne but what were the odds that she chose to do the GOR, show up at the same hostel, at the same time as me???

We also found out our Irish friends were staying with us yet again! We all decide to bunk up with one another to make the transition a bit easier. They were a bit hungover still from the previous night so unfortunately they decided to take it easy and hang in.

We had no such plan. We went to get food and all around Port Campbell was closing. The staff at the restaurant were hanging out afterwards waiting for us to finish, so naturally we invited them over for beers with us. We chatted for a little while and they returned our kindness by inviting us to their local pub for a few more drinks.

As we walk in, all eyes immediately are directed at us. Well, probably directed at Gavin’s scarf. We told him to take it off because he looked like a homo, the bar patrons agreed. Even when he ordered some beers the bartender gave him a Shirley temple instead. Classic.

Everyone is having a good time, I can’t remember any of their names but they said we were more than welcome back anytime. It’s a small town and I WILL do the GOR at least one more time in my lifetime, so I plan to take them up on their offer, sort of.

Then we meet another guy who worked at the restaurant, his background is unimportant, his story is tremendous. We were talking about allergies and drinking (why?). When he breaks out this golden nugget of information that apparently you shouldn’t eat peanuts and drink because you never know who’s allergic to them.

“What do you mean?”, we all inquire at the same time.

Well, about a year or so ago the guy had eaten some peanuts while out drinking one night and then took a girl home with a peanut allergy. The story goes, they did the deed and when to sleep. One of them woke up. That’s it!

That’s right, he killed her! She had a heartattack right there in the bed laying beside him. He said he was in mourning for months. The towns people thought of him as a murderer, giving him ugly looks and begrudging tones. He said it was a terrible time in his life, but he has since learned to deal with it and it is somewhat of a joke around town now.

Alex can’t get enough of this story, “Dude, you f****d her to death”, he hissed at the guy. I think that made the guy feel better about this personal tragedy. I was completely mortified. I always put myself in other people’s shoes and I had nothing on this.

What do you do if you wake up after having sex and the other person isn’t alive anymore?

Short answer, take a shower and cry in the fetal position maybe. I have no idea, I don’t know. I got nothing for you. I think that's one of those things that you hope NEVER happens to you, like, having to wipe with your non-dominant hand...it's just really uncomfortable. Okay, maybe someone dying next to you is a little more severe...

Either way he seemed in good spirits about it. The girl had been on vacation and he only knew her that night, so it wasn’t a great loss to him. But still. Alex, singing at this point, “You f****d her so good she died, now I have a standard to live up to!”. No one ever said Alex was the sentimental type.

The 7? Apostles

We headed back “early” because since we missed the 12 apostle sunset, so we were determined to see it at sunrise. Which we did successfully, probably the only part of the trip we planned well in our timing. It was a beautiful setting. There used to be 12 apostles but they keep falling so now there is only 7 or so. There was also “London Bridge” which a man told me the story of how some people were out on the ledge that the “London Bridge” leads out to and then “London Bridge” literally fell down.

Like the nursery rhyme! How great is that? I laughed, he didn’t think it was so funny, no one was hurt but they did have to get a helicopter to come and get them off the rock. So if anyone ever asks, yes, “London Bridge” did actually fall down. You heard it here first.

Afterwards it was time to go. I had only a few hours to drive back and get on my flight so we took off the other way back to Melbourne. The less scenic of the 2 but the quickest, just as we were taking off Gavin got a phone call.

He had been trying to get passes to “work” the Apollo Bay Music Festival. I say “work”, and I guess it is, but really all he does is go to free concerts, meet the bands and take profile pictures of the event and the participants, then transfers them to his website or sells them to various outlets. Not a bad gig right? Do the words on this page come off as jealous, they should. I am a tad bit.

Alex decided that he also wanted to go. Gavin convinced the guy in charge to bring him on as well and they received full access passes to the festival for photography purposes.

Here I am, driving back to work, if I told you I didn’t think about quitting my job and going with them, I’d be lying. But I am somewhat noble and loyal, especially to Zanzibar because they’ve been so good to me in the past and present. So I dropped them off and wish them luck.

They had to hitchhike all the way back to Apollo Bay, I left them sitting in a park with all of their stuff, like hobos. Here’s their quintessential hobo picture:

Couple of Homos...errr...I mean Hobos

I was a little jealous and surprised that Alex went. He had only been in the country for 3 days and already had such an amazing story to tell and more adventures to follow. I found out that they did make it there safely and had a great time. As for me, I made my flight and went back to work in Sydney. Sometimes things work out that way, these are the decisions we have to mae and for once, I made the responsible choice. Go figure.