Singapore Slung

The flight from Sydney to Singapore wasn't as bad as I originally anticipated.  The flight itself was about 8 hours long, which for those keeping score at home is a little over half the flight from L.A. to Auckland (14 hours).  This time I managed to do it without bourbon or "medication".  I spent the entire trip doing 1 of 3 things...reading a book I found in my room at the hostel on the last day (Game of Thrones), napping like a furry fat cat (4 naps total), or checking out the incomparably hot Asian airline stewardesses on my flight.

It had to be the most attractive plane I think I've ever been on.  Air Asia X is the name of the airlines...I chose them because they have some of the cheapest flights you can purchase in all of Asia, now I know I will be choosing them for much different reasons.  I love them longtime!

My connecting flight was from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.  A very small and confusing airport.  No one was much help.  I'm pretty sure that in these countries, the people there learn the very basic greetings of English and then after that you're on your own.  

It goes something like this except you substitute the Spanish for...well...whatever language Singaporean/Malaysian people speak: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dd0tTl0nxU0

My nemesis...uh...friend...Alex Lukas

I arrive in Singapore and find my buddy Alex.  He decided he wanted to go to Singapore/Kennon's wedding in Malaysia with me, so he booked a separate flight.  What I didn't know at the time was that we were going to be stuck in the Singapore airport another 2 hours waiting on my bag.  These amazing coincidences always seem to happen to me.  It's unnecessary really, but with the way things tend to work themselves out for me, I guess I can let these minor inconveniences slide.

Apparently the airline decided they couldn't fit the "extra luggage" on the plane, so they put it on another one after we left.  By "we" I mean 4 OTHER PEOPLE, including myself...extra luggage was 5 bags between all of us.  How can you NOT fit 5 more bags on an entire plane???  I thought I'd be a bit more angry than I was but I let the blonde Swedish lady take out "our frustrations" on the airport baggage claim instead, she did a good job.  I didn't want to interrupt.

I try to spend this time usefully.  I go to the "duty-free" store and attempt to buy some cheap liquor.  However, I didn't know that if you're coming from Malaysia, you're not allowed to purchase "duty-free" alcohol.  Nothing.  I'm not sure what kind of disagreement that Singapore & Malaysia are currently having, but they need to settle that.  I should have taken this and my bag debacle as a warning sign.  

After getting my bag, I walk right past customs.  They didn't even check me.  Just waved me right though!!!  White American strikes again!  The guy at the immigration desk only asked me 3 questions and then told me of a place to stay because his main concern was that I didn't have one.  I don't know if that's something I like or not...I don't particularly believe I look like I "need help" all the time...but I'll take what I can get.  

The Hive

Finally we get out of the airport and find the address of the hostel we're staying in.  We were going to "Little India" and staying at a place called "The Hive".  A hostel my friend Kennon suggested...why?  I don't know. There's no one at this hostel, ever.  Alex and I stayed in a 10 room dorm by ourselves for 4 nights.  Which was nice, but that's kind of a reason why I like to stay in hostels is so I can meet other like minded travellers.    Not at this place.

We stayed in the first night because it was so late after we arrived from the airport.  We have 8 days here, no need to rush things.  We went out and got provisions for the next night; groceries and bourbon, you know only the necessities.  

The next night was a completely different story.  We started drinking in the mid-afternoon, we were under the impression we could make it out for happy hour.  Drinks are incredibly expensive in Singapore ($8-12 per beer), I'm under the impression it's because everything is imported but even their own brands are pricey.  Then I found out that it was mostly because of the Muslim heritage there.  They don't want you to drink, so they charge you incessant amounts of money to do so.  So I have to spend $45 on a jug of beer, but bread is $1???  Well thank you religion fanatics...

For starters

Our night was originally supposed to go smoothly, we planned on drinking a little Jimmy Beam, filling up our flasks, and going out for a few drinks....

What actually happened was we watched "The Hangover 2" during our pregame session and became so amped up at the possibility of having one of those nights, that we finished off the entire bottle...in one sitting...no flask necessary.  

We had gone exploring earlier in the day and found out that there was a light show on the river that evening, we decided to start there.  After that, Alex managed to find a loophole on the Internet about how to gain access to the top floor of the Marina Bay Sands hotel and Casino.  Which was directly across the street from the light show.  They usually charge tourists a great deal of money to go up there for the view, but we found out that if you enter the hotel on the Eastside and tell their staff that you're going to the bar for drinks, you're in...then you just keep riding the elevator all the way up!  Genius.

View from SkyBar

Magnificent view of the city from the top.  Singapore is still very much under construction so their newest garden attraction won't be open until the end of June.  This is what it's supposed to look like: http://inhabitat.com/new-photos-singapore%E2%80%99s-solar-powered-supertrees-under-construction-at-gardens-by-the-bay/gardens-by-the-bay-grant-associates-12/?extend=1

While up at the top we realized, as we do in most places, that we are completely under dressed.  We decided we either look as we think we do; uncaring, poor hippies....or white American Internet moguls who have so much money that they don't need to care what they dress like (duh, this one's obvious!).  We assume we are pulling off a Mark Zuckerberg sort of look, you know, without all the inherent douchebaggery...

SkyBar, one of the best rooftop bars in the world...apparently

$34 dollars for 2 beers later, we decide that we need to now gain access to the infinity pool party next door.  This event does not go nearly as smoothly as the first.  I think we went about it the wrong way in retrospect....we could have came up with a better plan than "follow the half-naked girls in bathrobes to the promise land" idea.  Maybe we're not the moguls we think they thought we looked like.  We had no place there...and they knew it.  

We ride down the elevator with several security staff members who are not very amused with my playful banter.   The night got a lot more sticky than that unfortunately because the Casino was within walking distance....everything else was not.  We chose the Casino....which was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad choice.  

I only have a few rules of my Casino play.  Very basic, very simple.

1)      Do not play against Asian dealers (they’re too good with numbers, I don’t like that)

2)      If they change dealers, change tables (never works out like it should, new guy/girl never has the same magic as the first)

3)      NEVER GO BACK TO THE ATM (you should be prepared to lose the money you came with, that is all...)

Obviously by now you have probably realized that during my drunkenness, I managed to break every single one of my rules that evening. 

It cost me $250…$250 that I couldn’t afford to lose considering that I was on night number 2, in country number 1, of a month long trip in which there are 2 more countries to go!!!  GRRRRR...I'm no Danny Ocean at this casino thing obviously ...more like Davy Puddle.  

Me...hating...ME

I hate myself.  To prove a point, here’s this picture…of me…hating myself. >>>

How did I not see that?  I’M IN AN ASIAN COUNTRY!  Who was I expecting to be my dealers!? 

Alex fared much better than I did, but he ended up playing too long and walking with only $10.  I wanted to throw up at that point.  I had physically made myself sick.  I wanted to go back to the dorm and pretend that it never happened.  Alex had other plans.

We tried to walk to downtown Singapore and realized we were in the wrong “downtown”.  We (Alex) wanted the bars and clubs part of town; we were in the business end.  We grabbed a cab and headed back for Little India. 

Me...hating...Alex

Not to be outdone, Alex would not let me go back, he said he’d pick up the tab for the rest of the evening but I had to go out with him.  I reluctantly took him up on his sort of kind gesture.  We chose a random bar and walked in. 

Never in my life have I felt so out of place as I did in there.  As soon as we walked in, every eye was on us.  We were NOT supposed to be here I thought.  Alex thought the same, but we ignored our initial fear and walked straight up to the bar. 

OH THE HUMANITY!

We ordered 2 shots of 2 tequila and 2 beers.  The beers the barstaff comprehended….the shots….not so much.  Mass hysteria broke out behind the bar.  No one knew what to do.  They didn’t even have shot glasses!

“So you just want the alcohol?”; “With no mixer?”; “No salt or lemon?”

You would have thought we asked them to solve a rubix cube...fail...and die!  They were baffled, glasses were broken. They had to call in one of the waitresses to help solve our alcoholic riddle. It was funny, probably the first time I smiled since the Casino.  I couldn’t figure out how these people were working here…it sure looked like a bar…but I’m not sure if THEY knew that.

After the dramatization that was, getting our drinks.  We sat down and focused our attention to the stage; there was a band and 3 “belly dancers”.  All six of their eyes fixated on the 2 “intruding” white guys.  I don’t think it was in a malicious way, more like, “there’s my meal ticket out of here kind of way”.  I felt like we were the ones on display.  Usually I’m okay with being the center of attention…not this time, I felt very uncomfortable. 

The girls took turns, sometimes dancing together but they each got a song and then went to sit down in the corner with the others.  I made the mistake of clapping after one of their dances.  That didn’t help.  The song was over, she did a good job so I clapped….silence….no one else is clapping but now everyone is back to staring at us….this was going splendidly. 

Alex got up to go to the bathroom and my tequila shot kicked in.  So naturally I started talking to the people in my radius.  One lady said she liked that I had clapped, so from then on when the girls were done dancing, we both clapped.  That made me feel a little better, a little more safe I should say. 

Our Indian stripper guide

I ended up talking to another gentlemen and one of the bouncers.  They tell me that I should go on stage and dance with the girls.  I politely declined.  Telling them, “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea”.  They let me know that it’s welcomed and that all I have to do is give the girl $10 to do it…

So…wait…the girl on stage dancing…can dance for/with me…if I give her money??? 

Are we in a strip club right now!?

Yes, yes we were in a strip club right then.  So does “belly dancer = stripper”?  I thought they were just a classier version of a “dancer”.  A normal nights entertainment in these sort of countries or mostly for people with palaces I guess....I guess it is a normal nights entertainment...without...well....the "entertainment" part of it because NONE of those girls looked too incredibly excited to be there.

So you’re telling me that all those Renaissance Festivals I’ve been to over the past few years, the belly dancer show is technically STRIPPERS!?  Oh, if only rural North Carolina knew...there would be hell to pay.  Think of the children!!!

That explains everything then!  Now I know why the girls kept looking at us, because they thought we had lots of money!  They wanted us to actually buy the dances because no one else in that place was moving. 

Ah, I see, everything is so clear now!  But this is Singapore…aren’t these girls supposed to be naked?  Where are the lap dances?  Shouldn't there be a bathhouse involved here, or have I watched too much "Pirates of the Caribbean"?  Where’s the V.I.P.?  Isn’t stuff supposed to start getting wild any second now?  Where are the service monkeys? 

The guy was really cool, he pretty much gave us the heads up about everything “Singaporean strip club”(nothing like the States strip clubs and no monkeys either)….he was a regular and wanted us to have a good time, he bought us a couple of rounds of drinks (the bar staff had figured out the whole “shot” thing by then).  He told us we should come back during the weekend and it would be much busier.  Hmm, thanks but no thanks, a busier strip club is not what I need after my Casino-fiasco.

We closed the “club” down and went back to our dorm after that.  White girl wasted…hello hangover.

White Girl wasted

Asian countries multi-task