The Malaysian Wedding

"Tore" with a flask instead of a hammer obviously

The day of the wedding itself comes and we head off to the Hard Rock hotel.  One of the girls at the front desk also tells me I look like “Tore”.  They giggled everytime I walked by.  Not a bad start to the day. 

We spend a little time at the pool bar before getting ready.  It’s buy 1 get 1 free.  We obviously lose track of time and realize we have 30 minutes to get ready for Kennon’s wedding.  That was a fun mad dash.  They videotaped it all, from the wedding to the reception, even us getting ready, I can’t wait to see how that turned out.  Shots were being passed around, as much expected.  Tequila, bourbon, vodka in no particular order, we got the photographer involved as well; much to his dismay.  

We successfully make it with time to spare.  Everyone is taking pictures before hand, Patrick tells us that we smell like alcohol, well duh.  I can't exactly speak for the other guys, but I had a pretty toasty buzz happening and it was only about 3pm.  Kennon and his groomsman all really have to pee when the ceremony begins.

Fighting back the need to urinate

Kennon also just turns to me as the music starts...he just realized he’s getting married today.  I always find that part funny, it’s not truly happening until you’re standing up and the music starts playing.  He tells me he’s quite nervous.  

Doing my best rendition of what a best man should probably say...I tell him it’s a little too late for all that nonsense.  He asks me if it’s too late to run (not a serious inquiry by the way) but I tell him that if he does it, he’s got to tear off the outfit and do it naked down the beach.  For a best man who doesn't exactly follow tradition or believe much in the whole constitution of marriage in general, I believe I've done my part.  

Amazing backdrop

In a move that shocked absoutely NO ONE.  He chose to get married instead (another joke, especially if Mabel reads this...there was never any indecision).

We found out after the ceremony that the groomsmen just happened to be standing in front of 2 microphones.  Patric's wife Daggs tells us that they could hear everything we were saying.  Good, now if we could only remember what was said…we’d be okay.  Nothing intelligible I'm sure, lots of gibberish about urination and the amount of outfits needed for one this one Malaysian occasion no doubt.  

Ahh tequila, we meet again

After the beach, we have a little grace time known as the “Cocktail Hour” in between the service and the dinner.  Good.  NOW we can drink, or at least that is "the rule".  Even though the groomsmen have been having more of a “Cocktail DAY”.  

We go grab drinks from the OPEN BAR (the ONLY way to do a wedding) and head back upstairs to the hotel room to change...AGAIN.  Malaysia is very humid and even though the service didn’t last very long we were all thankful to be out of those clothes.  

Of course, I'm always thankful to be out of most clothes...so I spent most of the hotel room time taking shots and dancing around with the guys (no homo).  We get dressed and head downstairs to the function room.  There’s only one difference in the groomsmen this time.  Everyone else is wearing black jackets, mine is blue.  Which oddly enough I didn't even notice until right before I walked down.  The KING had me try it on the first day I was there...

So gangsta

Not that I really care, it’s not my wedding and Kennon and Mabel were cool with it so I went along.  It was KING Patricks old jacket, so I’m pretty sure if the father of the bride is in agreement, I should probably just fall in line.  So I did and owned it, like there was a down payment involved!

Although as soon as I reach the ballroom I’m begin to get really nervous about my speech.  I’m not really sure why either.  I’ve given speeches plenty of times but I was always somewhat prepared at least .  I hadn’t been thinking about this during the 2 days prior oddly enough.  So that makes me even more nervous that my speech is going to be made up in the span of 20-30 minutes. 

Uh, speech? What speech?

This leads to several scotches.  One after the other, the bartender is pouring me doubles, it must be written on my face behind my beard.  He's a gypsy to see this, I'm convinced my new pal the barkeep is some sort of wizard in training.

 I can scarcely eat, I think I tried 3 things, most of them soup.  I thought I was going to be sick.  I excused myself twice and managed to compose myself long enough to come up with what I thought was a good speech.  Josh finds me outside pacing and muttering to myself.  So I rehearsed it with him quickly before I went on, he didn’t like one of my jokes.

Something about the beautiful union of marriage and then I’d ask all the single ladies to stand up.  I thought that would be a  riot, Josh told me not to do it in such a conservative Asian country.  The man's lived in Japan for several years so I imagine he knows what he's talking about.  I took his advice. 

Rockin' it

I managed to talk with the MC of the ceremony and find out when my speech was, Pamela and I went on after the 2^nd course.  Pamela was the maid of honor, without the honor part.  She left me high and dry.  We had made a pack to walk up there together and we would each stand on the stage while the other talked.  But when it came time for that, she was nowhere to be found.  I was on my own.  

Then later on she told me that she did it on purpose.  She basically fried me the whole weekend, the day after I asked why she didn’t come out with us the night before (the wedding night), she said she was avoiding eye-contact with me.  Ouch.  Did I mention that ALL of Mabel’s friends LOVE me??? 

Yam Seng!

Once I got the microphone in my hand I was fine.  I had an outline of what I wanted to say and I was going to keep it short, sweet and from the heart.  I did an awesome job, so I've been told.  There were no winces, groans or dirty looks which is always a plus.  

Everyone else said so and Mabel told Kennon got a little teary eyed, so I think I did well.  Then I handed the microphone over to Pamela, right as she was about to start her speech I snatched the microphone back real quickly...  

Yea, I think I was fine....

I had forgotten something, the most important part!  So I gave a quick shout out the boys in the back (Patrick’s friends we met at the tea ceremony) and yelled “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmm seng!!!”.  That went off, those guys loved it.  Everywhere we went after that, all those guys would yell “Yam Seng!”.  We easily went through 40 cheers like that.  All scotch approved messages.  

Patrick would tell us the next day that we went through 12 cases of scotch and the groomsmen alone went through approximately 6 bottles of vodka.  

Humility isn't one of my stronger points

"Who the hell was drinking vodka last night?", I inquired to Patrick and the rest of the group.

"Adam, you were the one drinking vodka mostly", I was told.

"No I was not!  All I had was scotch, beer and the occasional tequila shot!", I replied.

"Adam, you were standing on-stage making cheers' with a BOTTLE of Belvidere", The KING proclaimed. 

Belvidere sponsored this message

Except I didn’t remember drinking any vodka but there was apparent proof because once the bride and groom got up to give their speech Patrick grabbed me and shoved me on the stage.  I tried to stop him, honest.  He told me to go, I have no idea why.  I assume he finds it amusing when I make an ass of myself.  We stormed that thing like it was Normandy. 

I led another few “Yam Seng” toasts on stage, except I forgot that I didn’t actually have a drink, I yell down to The KING that I'm not fit to lead such a cheers without a drink….he passes me "a drink".  I now have a bottle of Belvidere.  Yes, I’m leading these cheers taking swigs from a bottle of vodka. Classy I know.  Memorable?  Maybe to some, just not me.  Blackout.  

After all that madness & countless drunken follies and photos, we go back up stairs.  I still hadn’t eaten since before my speech but am holding myself together really well.  We were trying to get some girls to come up to our room for some “pre-game” drinks before we went out.  

They seemed reluctant.  So we invited everybody!  Next thing we know, we’re all upstairs taking shots.  The boys, Kennon’s mom, and about 15 random Asians, my flask had sprung a leak and so I had to pour it into a beer mug.  I then proceeded to finish said tequila mug. 

The vodka and I got engaged as well

I am white girl wasted at this point.  We go downstairs to find out where everyone is going and realize that we’ve been split up.  I go to find the others who had went into the bar at the hotel, I push my way through security, I don’t have time for restraint.  "I'm with the wedding", "I'm the best man", these statements apparently get you places.  Wendy and I have a little dance before we leave and then we head off to the club “Sixty9”. 

I remember glimpses of the evening from that point on.  I don’t believe I had one drink the whole time we were there, I was already locked & loaded.  It’s been remembered for me that my night consisted of dancing around, whatever Caryn was doing basically (what can I say? I’m a man of my word, that shit happened!), and obviously the pool!

I recall dancing around like a man possessed.  As soon as Pat and I hit the club we just go crazy.  We dance our way around the entire place, high fiving everybody.  One guy pulls me off to the side for a dance off.  We dance and dance and dance, exchange high fives and hugs and I’m off.  I can’t be stopped.  I don’t know what had gotten into me.

More madness

That’s when I made my way outside, there was a really cool area with tables sitting in a pool type setting.  You could sit there in the pool with your feet in it, without getting totally wet.  I saunter over and start high fiving everyone, as has grown my custom in this bar.  These 2 Indian guys convince me that I need to actually jump into the pool not just dance on top of it.  By convince I mean they asked me.

I pop the shirt off and dive right in.  The outside was connected to the inside and I swam right back inside.  I hop out of the pool, I’m soaking wet and I grab Kennon and give him a bearhug, he’s pissed.  This is one of 3 instances where I almost got kicked out of the club. 

Once you’re in the pool you’re not supposed to go back and drip water on the dance floor: CHECK; you need to put a shirt on in the club: CHECK; you need shoes on in the club: CHECK; you have to stop dancing into V.I.P.: CHECK….”but come on! We have so many friends in there!” (aka people who were willing to high five us)

While I was doing that, Pat danced his way into the DJ booth and the DJ was NOT happy about this.  The DJ told Pat he was going to be watching him in the international sign for that ( 2 fingers, pointed at both eyes and then at the person you’re watching)…Pat didn’t like that, he told the DJ, “No, I’m watching you!!! (same gesture back at him).  They should have never let us in this place. 

I don’t remember too much else or at least nothing that I feel needs to be shared in this forum (wink).  I think the MC of the wedding gave us a ride back to Kennon’s mom’s hotel room.  We all slept there and even though I love Wendy and nothing happened sexually like that obviously, it’s still fun to tell Kennon that I slept/spooned with his Mom on his wedding night. 

Wendy and I

I win…for LIFE.

The next day we all peeled ourselves out of bed....some of us, the floor.  We went down for one last lunch while everyone got ready to go.  Cheese and I used this time to play on the "possibly too small for us" water park portion of the resort.  

We then came back to the condos for naps and salvation.  We would later go out for dinner one last time together and go out for more drinks to many of our dismay.  

Oh, NOW YOU want to get drunk Kennon?  

Swell.

As in, he wouldn't let me have any other type of beverage.  Moving the water out of my reach and other various childlike moves.  So here I am, one of the most hungover that I can recently remember and I have a beer AND some more scotch in the other hand.  We’ve only been drinking for 56 of the 72 hours that we have been in Malaysia. 

But hey, it’s his weekend and I don’t know the next time that we’ll all be together in this setting (I hope it’s very soon) so we all sucked up and had another fun night.

Beautiful wedding, awesome new friends, great times, that would be my summary of the first 4 days of our Malaysian visit.  Doesn’t get much better than that.

More "Yam Sengs!"

MY FAVORITE PIC OF THE WHOLE WEDDING

Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow of RUFIO

Storming the stage

43 outfits, 1 Penang Wedding

The groom and I

The whole reason this month long trip through Singapore-Malaysia-Bali came to fruition is because of my friend Kennon.  He was getting married and asked me to fly in and be a groomsman.  Well, we all know by now, you don’t have to tempt me with a good time...no matter where it is.  


Would I have ended up in Malaysia by my own accord one day??? 
Maybe...


Was it on my to-do list though??? 
No, not exactly.


Am I glad I went???
ABSOLUTELY!


I arrived in Malaysia with really no idea as to what was going on.  I didn’t know where Alex and I were staying, where my friend Kennon was in Malaysia, how we were getting from the airport, nothing.  I would also continue to find out that the longer I stayed, Kennon had even less knowledge of his own wedding weekend than I did.

To try and remedy this situation I ended up meeting a girl at the baggage claim in the airport.  Her name was Tanya.  I’m getting a knack for this picking up girls at baggage claim thing for some reason.  I would tell you that it’s because I was looking for a little information and a direction to go in…you would tell me, I’m full of crap.

You’d be right.

Anyway, Tanya and I have an extended chat about nothing particularly relevant to my story and the only information that I have is an address.  She finds it weird that I have no idea where we are staying while we are in Malaysia and no knowledge of how to get to this address.  She obviously doesn't know me very well then because if she did she would know that's how I do things.  She offers me a ride anyways.

As we’re walking through customs together I’m steadily trying to figure out what I’m going to do with Alex in this situation.  I can’t/shouldn’t and probably wouldn’t (wink) leave him stranded in a new country like this for an attractive Asian girl I just met so I need to devise a plan.

THE KING, as he bestows the "Pink Purse of Power" to yours truly

Unfortunately for Tanya (wink wink) my plan wasn’t necessary because as soon as we turned the corner, there was Kennon and his roommate from Japan, Josh.  Tanya and I say our goodbyes and we were off in Kennon’s to-be father-in-law father, Patrick aka “Taliban”, aka “The King of Malaysia”. 

Patrick IS the King of Malaysia for several reasons.  He was such a gracious host and treated us with nothing but respect and kindness since the moment he allowed us in his home.  Nothing but the best when it's with Patrick.  Whether it was food, scotch, it didn’t really matter  because he pulled out all the stops for us.  He also knows everyone, so every place we went he would order everything for us, speaking in his native tongue directing people around and people just basically do as he says.  So that’s why I dubbed him "The King". 

It’s also a complete race to the bill with Patrick.  He always handles everything without a hint of expectation of payment.  Before the meal or anything is even over, you never actually even see him get up or leave...then "everything is done".  I literally hadn't paid for anything except my outfits (yes, plural) to the wedding.  That’s about it. 

Lamont needs no introduction really, this should explain itself

From the airport though, we get back to Patrick’s house and immediately begin drinking.  We meet up with Lamont, another one of Kennon’s pals from the Air Force and we all click immediately.  Everyone is together now except for Pat, Daggs and their son Rufio (how cool of a name is that!?) whose plane didn’t come in until the next day. 

 Instead of having to worry about accommodation, we ended up staying in a luxury condo near the beach that belongs to one of Mabel’s (Kennon’s fiancé) Aunt.  Which we turned into a complete bachelor pad in the span of about 2 minutes; all of our possessions on the floor, beers and water bottles everywhere, they gave us trimmings to make the beds up and we still didn’t even make them.  The weather was perfect and we were mostly inebriated for 4 straight days....who needs sheets???

The Condo

We were trying to get an idea of how the weekend will play out.  We still haven’t received any information on the wedding itself.  Oh, except for the first night we’re in, on the way to dinner Kennon decides that that was the pristine time to let me know I was the best man and my speech "better be good".  


Not a few months ago, not when he asked me to be there, not in any time I have talked to him since… but then.  2 days before.  So now I have a little extra added pressure of making a speech.  Fun fun, thanks buddy.  Not that this is a problem, it's never really "a problem" to get me to talk to a room full of strangers...but it’s information would have been useful.

The View

The first night we take it easy.  We have dinner and then go for a few drinks at a bar called “Nueve”.  Patrick then gives us a ride back to the condo where continued to drink and get to know each other more. 

It was one of those weird settings that doesn't happen too often, where even though you just met these people, you really feel like you've been hanging out with them for years.  Like you picked up right where you left off, even though you didn't leave them...because well, you didn't know them. 


There was a comradery and understanding that we all shared immediately.  That was probably one of the best things about the weekend.  Kennon was really busy with all the wedding details, so we spent most of the time just hanging out with his friends.  Or our new friends I should say. (By the way, the "understanding" of the group was, that Kennon had NO f****** clue what was going on for 4 straight days)

Outside Hard Rock Resort

The next day we had to go and get our outfits.  I was originally told that there would be a simple wedding on the beach.  White shirt, boat shoes and khakis, that’s all.  Now, apparently there would also be a dinner with a jacket and tie at some point.  I didn’t even have the beach attire yet, I think Kennon was frustrated by this information. 


“Hey man, you didn’t even tell me I was your best man”, I tell him.  He nods.  I win.

Now keep in mind I didn't want, ANY of these new clothes I had to buy.  I'm a backpacker.  I own like 7 shirts and even that is too much.  I was completely planning on renting or buying cheap clothes and then taking them back to the store.  Kennon informs me that I have to basically buy 2 separate outfits for this 1 wedding...on a beach....not sounding as simple and plain as he once dictated.  

Maybe I shouldn’t have went commando to do these fittings I think…and eventually say to no one in particular.  I move past it.  I get the shoes, the shirts, the black pants and almost forget the khakis.  I tell Josh to stall Patrick because everyone is basically waiting on me.  I’m the only one who’s unprepared for this wedding, typical best man stuff obviously.

I grab the cheapest pair of khakis I can find.  They’re buy 1 get 1 free.  I tell the lady that I don’t want the free pair.  She looks at me funny.  Our conversation went like this.  


“They’re free, just take the pants”, she says.

“I don’t want anymore pants, I don’t even want these pants that I’m buying right now”, I say.

“But....they’re free pants...”, she replies.

“Do you want some pants? Here, you pick out pants, you can have my free pair”, I tell her.

It’s like, seriously lady leave me alone here.  She grabs some pants off the rack immediately and takes me to the register.  Finally.  She doesn't even thank me!  I think about taking back said pants in spite...but I let it go.  Josh couldn't hold Patrick back any longer, he found me, it was time to go.

How can this possibly be "too fuzzy"???

We were also getting haircuts.  I’m terrified of this idea. I don't like getting normal haircuts...with English speaking people.  Now, I'm in a non-English dominate country trying to tell them NOT TO CHOP IT ALL OFF!


I let Mabel know that she’s not invited because I’m afraid she will tell them to cut it all off, mainly because she told me she would.  Names like “Fuzzy” and “hobo” have been flying around from her and her Asian friends.  I don’t think they’ve ever really seen such a beardacious face before.  I must be a step down from Godzilla to them.  Seriously, I thought about charging people admission.  

I sit down in the chair. 

The first thing out of her mouth is, “Okay, so now we cut all this off, yea?” (If you can imagine Ms. Swan from MadTV)

“No chick.  Don’t you even think about it.” I squeal.  

Nobody does this to TORE!!!

“Why you no have hair like your friend?  His hair short, your hair long, that’s no smart…you look like a wrestler (came out more like, wresrrrr)”.

“Just trim the hair lady, trim about this much” (showing her with my hands).

“You look like that guy in Avengers movie.  Tore (pretty sure she meant THOR, “TH’s” are a bit of problem for them). Where your hammer?”

It took everything in my being to not say “In my pants” at that moment.


Rule number 1, don’t get arrested in a country not of your origin.  So I let that one slide and finished the haircut. 


I drastically made it out alive and it felt like she didn't do a thing, so I was thrilled.  Although I didn't like it at the end when they brought another girl over to "help" blow-dry my hair.  I wish they would have taken a picture because I felt and looked like an award show dog.  

Friday comes and it’s time for the traditional Tea Ceremony.  The idea of this is basically, everyone sits down to eat.  Kennon and Mabel go around to each table and introduce themselves as the newly married couple and then the women of the family sit down and have tea together.  I don’t need a special outfit for this one (go figure).  Adam and the boys are playing a little game called D-R-U-N-K.

Patrick knew Lamont and I had a thing for various scotchs from the previous night when we sampled his liquor cabinet.  The man just kept bringing out more and more scotch.  We’re not turning that down!  Each bottle older and better than the first, when we arrive to the tea ceremony there’s a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black on the table to the right, guess where we chose to sit?

It should be known, she didn't want this to happen

The boys and I begin surveying the party.  The mission is basically count all the attractive women there.  The reason this is funny is because the game started out very slow…1, 2…a little while would pass…3, 4, 5…however, as the bottles (and I do mean, BOTTLES) were consumed…the numbers got higher and higher.  No other cars came; everyone who was there was already there and had been there the entire time.  We had a good kick out of that little tidbit of information.  I think Josh reached a game high 23....

The Tea Ceremony goes off without a hitch.  Patrick introduced us to his buddies at the other table.  They were also drinking good scotch on the rocks, same as us.  It was like adding gasoline to a forest fire.  3 bottles later, Chester and his other Malaysia pals have taught us “Yam-Sing” which is a cheers that means “Bottoms up” or “Finish your drink”.  


Except it when done properly, it sounds like: “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Sing”.

My “Hot Lady List” reached about 13 I think after that. 

Apparently, at some point I "chose" one of them.  I have a mild recollection of this.  I wander over to a table full of attractive ladies and introduce myself.  Not the typical "Hi, my name is Adam" nice guy way, the more atypical American introduction of "I'm here, I'm loud, everyone loves me, what's a happenin'!"....that sort of thing.


I meet one of them named “Caryn”.  She owns the bar that we tried to go to in Singapore that was closed at midnight on a Saturday.  I’m not impressed with this information, I let her know how bad of a business decision that was to the tune of, “It’s Saturday at midnight, open your f****** bar!”. Among other various chastising comments...and/or "general business inquiries" as I'll call them.  

This is where things get hazy because I don’t remember what I said exactly.  Josh reminded me the next day that after our argument, I basically told Caryn that she had been chosen as “my date” and we would be “hooking up” after the wedding, “prepare yourself accordingly”.  It was already “stamped in” and “it was happening”.  All the quotes were apparently direct. Only then did I decide to even check to make sure that nobody at the table was dating her.  Very smooth…timing is NOT my friend.   

You know who is my friend though???

Why, my ol’ buddy confidence or as he’s sometimes referred to as…ASSOIE…or….

“Adam’s Shockingly Stunning & Occasionally Irrational Ego”….that’s who! (funny how that acronym almost looks like “asshole” spelled out huh?  Probably not a coincidence)

Seriously, sometimes my ego isn’t allowed into places…as some of my friends like to joke, “you have to leave that monster outside, there’s not enough room for both of you jerks”.  

I don't see it.....(cough cough)

That night, he was allowed entry and a cup of tea.

She didn’t say “No” or any form of negativity towards these observational advancements...  

So HA HA timing take that!

Believe it or not after the Tea Ceremony we decided to play the responsible card and NOT go to the bars on Penang Road that night.  Kennon gave me and the boys a “don’t pull a Hangover and miss my wedding” speech.  So we felt bad and decided we would only go to the bar closest to the condo.  That’s a fair compromise right?

I didn’t stay long because Lamont passed out on the bar, got sick and came crashing out of the bathroom and face planted on the stage of the bar.  In that order, so I took him back to the condo to appease the owner of that bar.  Who was becoming increasingly frustrated with Lamont.  I think it’s because he was black….racist.  Not really, I just like to throw that little gem out there every once in awhile to make other people feel uncomfortable.  

He doesn’t remember any of this.  He told me we walked back all together and he remembers having exact conversations with the other guys.  

He also doesn’t remember telling me that we need to grab a bowl from one of the houses (as in, other people’s houses) to make the noodles he brought. 

He wanted to cook the noodles with the coffee maker.  These are my companions in Malaysia. 

The next day was the wedding.

Cheesy, Kennon, and Josh

Josh was trying to nap...no go

Here...we....go....

The happy couple 

The Tea Ceremony

Cheese & Patric

RUFIO!

Sometimes you take pics with stray dogs

Lamont & Chester

So seriously dude, how much do clothes cost in the Matrix?