theLOWdown: 43 outfits, 1 Penang Wedding

The groom and I

The whole reason this month long trip through Singapore-Malaysia-Bali came to fruition is because of my friend Kennon. He was getting married and asked me to fly in and be a groomsman. Well, we all know by now, you don’t have to tempt me with a good time...no matter where it is.

Would I have ended up in Malaysia by my own accord one day???
Maybe...

Was it on my to-do list though???
No, not exactly.

Am I glad I went???
ABSOLUTELY!

I arrived in Malaysia with really no idea as to what was going on. I didn’t know where Alex and I were staying, where my friend Kennon was in Malaysia, how we were getting from the airport, nothing. I would also continue to find out that the longer I stayed, Kennon had even less knowledge of his own wedding weekend than I did.

To try and remedy this situation I ended up meeting a girl at the baggage claim in the airport. Her name was Tanya. I’m getting a knack for this picking up girls at baggage claim thing for some reason. I would tell you that it’s because I was looking for a little information and a direction to go in…you would tell me, I’m full of crap.

You’d be right.

Anyway, Tanya and I have an extended chat about nothing particularly relevant to my story and the only information that I have is an address. She finds it weird that I have no idea where we are staying while we are in Malaysia and no knowledge of how to get to this address. She obviously doesn't know me very well then because if she did she would know that's how I do things. She offers me a ride anyways.

As we’re walking through customs together I’m steadily trying to figure out what I’m going to do with Alex in this situation. I can’t/shouldn’t and probably wouldn’t (wink) leave him stranded in a new country like this for an attractive Asian girl I just met so I need to devise a plan.

THE KING, as he bestows the "Pink Purse of Power" to yours truly

Unfortunately for Tanya (wink wink) my plan wasn’t necessary because as soon as we turned the corner, there was Kennon and his roommate from Japan, Josh. Tanya and I say our goodbyes and we were off in Kennon’s to-be father-in-law father, Patrick aka “Taliban”, aka “The King of Malaysia”.

Patrick IS the King of Malaysia for several reasons. He was such a gracious host and treated us with nothing but respect and kindness since the moment he allowed us in his home. Nothing but the best when it's with Patrick. Whether it was food, scotch, it didn’t really matter because he pulled out all the stops for us. He also knows everyone, so every place we went he would order everything for us, speaking in his native tongue directing people around and people just basically do as he says. So that’s why I dubbed him "The King".

It’s also a complete race to the bill with Patrick. He always handles everything without a hint of expectation of payment. Before the meal or anything is even over, you never actually even see him get up or leave...then "everything is done". I literally hadn't paid for anything except my outfits (yes, plural) to the wedding. That’s about it.

Lamont needs no introduction really, this should explain itself

From the airport though, we get back to Patrick’s house and immediately begin drinking. We meet up with Lamont, another one of Kennon’s pals from the Air Force and we all click immediately. Everyone is together now except for Pat, Daggs and their son Rufio (how cool of a name is that!?) whose plane didn’t come in until the next day.

Instead of having to worry about accommodation, we ended up staying in a luxury condo near the beach that belongs to one of Mabel’s (Kennon’s fiancé) Aunt. Which we turned into a complete bachelor pad in the span of about 2 minutes; all of our possessions on the floor, beers and water bottles everywhere, they gave us trimmings to make the beds up and we still didn’t even make them. The weather was perfect and we were mostly inebriated for 4 straight days....who needs sheets???

The Condo

We were trying to get an idea of how the weekend will play out. We still haven’t received any information on the wedding itself. Oh, except for the first night we’re in, on the way to dinner Kennon decides that that was the pristine time to let me know I was the best man and my speech "better be good".

Not a few months ago, not when he asked me to be there, not in any time I have talked to him since… but then. 2 days before. So now I have a little extra added pressure of making a speech. Fun fun, thanks buddy. Not that this is a problem, it's never really "a problem" to get me to talk to a room full of strangers...but it’s information would have been useful.

The View

The first night we take it easy. We have dinner and then go for a few drinks at a bar called “Nueve”. Patrick then gives us a ride back to the condo where continued to drink and get to know each other more.

It was one of those weird settings that doesn't happen too often, where even though you just met these people, you really feel like you've been hanging out with them for years. Like you picked up right where you left off, even though you didn't leave them...because well, you didn't know them.

There was a comradery and understanding that we all shared immediately. That was probably one of the best things about the weekend. Kennon was really busy with all the wedding details, so we spent most of the time just hanging out with his friends. Or our new friends I should say. (By the way, the "understanding" of the group was, that Kennon had NO f****** clue what was going on for 4 straight days)

Outside Hard Rock Resort

The next day we had to go and get our outfits. I was originally told that there would be a simple wedding on the beach. White shirt, boat shoes and khakis, that’s all. Now, apparently there would also be a dinner with a jacket and tie at some point. I didn’t even have the beach attire yet, I think Kennon was frustrated by this information.

“Hey man, you didn’t even tell me I was your best man”, I tell him. He nods. I win.

Now keep in mind I didn't want, ANY of these new clothes I had to buy. I'm a backpacker. I own like 7 shirts and even that is too much. I was completely planning on renting or buying cheap clothes and then taking them back to the store. Kennon informs me that I have to basically buy 2 separate outfits for this 1 wedding...on a beach....not sounding as simple and plain as he once dictated.

Maybe I shouldn’t have went commando to do these fittings I think…and eventually say to no one in particular. I move past it. I get the shoes, the shirts, the black pants and almost forget the khakis. I tell Josh to stall Patrick because everyone is basically waiting on me. I’m the only one who’s unprepared for this wedding, typical best man stuff obviously.

I grab the cheapest pair of khakis I can find. They’re buy 1 get 1 free. I tell the lady that I don’t want the free pair. She looks at me funny. Our conversation went like this.

“They’re free, just take the pants”, she says.

“I don’t want anymore pants, I don’t even want these pants that I’m buying right now”, I say.

“But....they’re free pants...”, she replies.

“Do you want some pants? Here, you pick out pants, you can have my free pair”, I tell her.

It’s like, seriously lady leave me alone here. She grabs some pants off the rack immediately and takes me to the register. Finally. She doesn't even thank me! I think about taking back said pants in spite...but I let it go. Josh couldn't hold Patrick back any longer, he found me, it was time to go.

How can this possibly be "too fuzzy"???

We were also getting haircuts. I’m terrified of this idea. I don't like getting normal haircuts...with English speaking people. Now, I'm in a non-English dominate country trying to tell them NOT TO CHOP IT ALL OFF!

I let Mabel know that she’s not invited because I’m afraid she will tell them to cut it all off, mainly because she told me she would. Names like “Fuzzy” and “hobo” have been flying around from her and her Asian friends. I don’t think they’ve ever really seen such a beardacious face before. I must be a step down from Godzilla to them. Seriously, I thought about charging people admission.

I sit down in the chair.

The first thing out of her mouth is, “Okay, so now we cut all this off, yea?” (If you can imagine Ms. Swan from MadTV)

“No chick. Don’t you even think about it.” I squeal.

Nobody does this to TORE!!!

“Why you no have hair like your friend? His hair short, your hair long, that’s no smart…you look like a wrestler (came out more like, wresrrrr)”.

“Just trim the hair lady, trim about this much” (showing her with my hands).

“You look like that guy in Avengers movie. Tore (pretty sure she meant THOR, “TH’s” are a bit of problem for them). Where your hammer?”

It took everything in my being to not say “In my pants” at that moment.

Rule number 1, don’t get arrested in a country not of your origin. So I let that one slide and finished the haircut.

I drastically made it out alive and it felt like she didn't do a thing, so I was thrilled. Although I didn't like it at the end when they brought another girl over to "help" blow-dry my hair. I wish they would have taken a picture because I felt and looked like an award show dog.

Friday comes and it’s time for the traditional Tea Ceremony. The idea of this is basically, everyone sits down to eat. Kennon and Mabel go around to each table and introduce themselves as the newly married couple and then the women of the family sit down and have tea together. I don’t need a special outfit for this one (go figure). Adam and the boys are playing a little game called D-R-U-N-K.

Patrick knew Lamont and I had a thing for various scotchs from the previous night when we sampled his liquor cabinet. The man just kept bringing out more and more scotch. We’re not turning that down! Each bottle older and better than the first, when we arrive to the tea ceremony there’s a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black on the table to the right, guess where we chose to sit?

It should be known, she didn't want this to happen

The boys and I begin surveying the party. The mission is basically count all the attractive women there. The reason this is funny is because the game started out very slow…1, 2…a little while would pass…3, 4, 5…however, as the bottles (and I do mean, BOTTLES) were consumed…the numbers got higher and higher. No other cars came; everyone who was there was already there and had been there the entire time. We had a good kick out of that little tidbit of information. I think Josh reached a game high 23....

The Tea Ceremony goes off without a hitch. Patrick introduced us to his buddies at the other table. They were also drinking good scotch on the rocks, same as us. It was like adding gasoline to a forest fire. 3 bottles later, Chester and his other Malaysia pals have taught us “Yam-Sing” which is a cheers that means “Bottoms up” or “Finish your drink”.

Except it when done properly, it sounds like: “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Sing”.

My “Hot Lady List” reached about 13 I think after that.

Apparently, at some point I "chose" one of them. I have a mild recollection of this. I wander over to a table full of attractive ladies and introduce myself. Not the typical "Hi, my name is Adam" nice guy way, the more atypical American introduction of "I'm here, I'm loud, everyone loves me, what's a happenin'!"....that sort of thing.

I meet one of them named “Caryn”. She owns the bar that we tried to go to in Singapore that was closed at midnight on a Saturday. I’m not impressed with this information, I let her know how bad of a business decision that was to the tune of, “It’s Saturday at midnight, open your f****** bar!”. Among other various chastising comments...and/or "general business inquiries" as I'll call them.

This is where things get hazy because I don’t remember what I said exactly. Josh reminded me the next day that after our argument, I basically told Caryn that she had been chosen as “my date” and we would be “hooking up” after the wedding, “prepare yourself accordingly”. It was already “stamped in” and “it was happening”. All the quotes were apparently direct. Only then did I decide to even check to make sure that nobody at the table was dating her. Very smooth…timing is NOT my friend.

You know who is my friend though???

Why, my ol’ buddy confidence or as he’s sometimes referred to as…ASSOIE…or….

“Adam’s Shockingly Stunning & Occasionally Irrational Ego”….that’s who! (funny how that acronym almost looks like “asshole” spelled out huh? Probably not a coincidence)

Seriously, sometimes my ego isn’t allowed into places…as some of my friends like to joke, “you have to leave that monster outside, there’s not enough room for both of you jerks”.

I don't see it.....(cough cough)

That night, he was allowed entry and a cup of tea.

She didn’t say “No” or any form of negativity towards these observational advancements...

So HA HA timing take that!

Believe it or not after the Tea Ceremony we decided to play the responsible card and NOT go to the bars on Penang Road that night. Kennon gave me and the boys a “don’t pull a Hangover and miss my wedding” speech. So we felt bad and decided we would only go to the bar closest to the condo. That’s a fair compromise right?

I didn’t stay long because Lamont passed out on the bar, got sick and came crashing out of the bathroom and face planted on the stage of the bar. In that order, so I took him back to the condo to appease the owner of that bar. Who was becoming increasingly frustrated with Lamont. I think it’s because he was black….racist. Not really, I just like to throw that little gem out there every once in awhile to make other people feel uncomfortable.

He doesn’t remember any of this. He told me we walked back all together and he remembers having exact conversations with the other guys.

He also doesn’t remember telling me that we need to grab a bowl from one of the houses (as in, other people’s houses) to make the noodles he brought.

He wanted to cook the noodles with the coffee maker. These are my companions in Malaysia.

The next day was the wedding.