Halloween Costume Rules

Obviously having a terrible time here

Halloween is my absolute FAVORITE holiday.  I get excited about other holidays sure, but Halloween is on an entire different level.  

What’s not to like really?

There’s nothing but scary movies on television--both good and cheesy, there’s candy everywhere, you get to dress up as ANYTHING YOU WANT while consuming mass beverages of alcohol, and creativity is abounds whether it is measured in decorations or other people’s costumes, and then after all of that we still haven’t mentioned the best part of All Hallows Eve yet. 

This is the abundance of relentless and merciless EYE-candy!

It’s the only time of year that girls are showered with praise and admiration for dressing slutty instead of being shunned and judged.  Each one trying to out due the other and you (as a man) can just sit back and enjoy while no longer having to feel the least bit guilty about looking/staring because…well, they choose to wear that!

They have a mirror at their house, they looked in it before they left.  BELIEVE THAT!

It’s the easiest time of year to hook up PERIOD, for both guys and girls.  All that is needed is a 

Lots of group photos

creative costume, some tasty beverages and a camera.  It’s all about the pictures on Halloween, everyone loves them. 

Facebook gets mobbed with photos full of friends and complete strangers all with the hopes of seeing something really different and cool.  It’s the best conversation starter…

“Great outfit, can we take a picture?” –Cheesy guy pickup line

“Yeah sure!” – Unsuspecting female

“How’d you make it?”; “Where is the party?”; “Can I see inside that top?”; “Nooo, your ass isn’t hanging out of that at all…” (you know, the usual), blah blah blah.

Just making sure everything is in order down here

It’s just an absolutely fantastic holiday!  Not into it yet, you’re one of those types huh?  You should probably stop reading this then.

I enjoy making my own costumes.  There’s nothing worse than showing up to a party where someone else has on the same Austin Powers suit you just bought for $80.  It sucks.  So I go out of my way to avoid this at all costs. 

There are a few key elements to making your own costume to have a great and comfortable (very important) night.

1)      Cheaper is better
2)      No masks / very little makeup if necessary
3)      Little to none in the intangible department
4)      Authenticity is better
5)      Pick something no one else is going to do

Those are my rules, really simple to follow.  

Clark Kent & Vanilla Ice

I always manage to stay relatively cheap on the costumes and hardly ever go to costume shops.  They are too expensive and that’s where everybody else is too.  

Everything I do with my costumes are either borrowed, found, or from a thrift store.  

I try to keep my costumes below the $50 plateau and that’s pushing it…unless there is something I absolutely NEED for a costume I won’t spend that much money on it.

Of course, that plateau usually ends up in my being a whole lotta-naked...but that's never bad!  It's all about accessibility here people!

Don’t spend a lot of money on something you’re only going to wear that one night.  If you have several Halloween parties to attend then by all means splurge for that extra amenity.  If not, figure something else out or make it up. 

Wearing masks or having a lot of makeup on is a bad idea for a few reasons.  It’s Halloween, so wherever you go it’s going to be HOT (temperature wise and tempting too).  Plus, if going out to hook up is what you’re trying to do, no girl/guy wants to come away from making out with you smeared with multi-colored paint or lipstick.  There’s nothing worse than waking up to your bed covered in glitter…not that I would know or anything, um…let’s move on.

Ninja and Legends of Hidden Temple; Silver Snake...no masks, easy

Masks simply just get in the way and unless it’s the late night scramble for ass when the bar is closing, the opposite sex is going to want to see your face.  I'm still preaching accessibility on this, the sluttiest of all days!

Makeup runs, masks can cook your face and not to mention you’ll probably just end up carrying it anyway because you can’t drink with a mask on. 

This leads me to number 3 on the list which is the intangibles/accessory portion.  Same rule applies with the masks, you don’t want to carry around a lot of things. 

If you have a sword, you’re going to want a belt or a sheath to put it in because that’s where it’s going to be for most of the evening.  If it’s big then just pick some other costume all together because you’re either going to lose it or throw it down in frustration. 

It’s going to become a nuisance if you don’t have somewhere to put it. 

By “authentic” in number 4, I mean what can be done without a lot of work. 

Can you dye your hair instead of getting a wig?  Can you grow your facial hair out or cut it like whoever you’re going as? Can you commit to going to the gym so you don’t need fake muscle arms?

No?  Just me?  I may have a problem here (kidding…sorta). 

I’m a guy who has had a lot of different hairstyles and facial hair over the years.  I definitely plan my facial hair in October accordingly around Halloween.

 

Ice Ice Baby

This year, I kept a light beard so I could be “THOR”.  

A couple years ago I got a haircut and actually shaved my head to a high-top so I could go as “Vanilla Ice”.  A few years before that, I grew mutton chops to be “Johnny Bravo” (picture below). 

Which brings me to number 5 because all of those aforementioned costumes were original ideas of my own creation and I didn’t see one other person dressed as them. 

“THOR” not so much but I still count it because my costume was COMPLETELY homemade.  I didn’t buy that $80 Marvel suit with the fake arms…I did however, buy the real hammer though….and it’s f'n sweet!!!  I’m thinking about just carrying it around with me on my travels to freak people out. 

And NO, I didn’t just “break one of my own rules” because it’s a hammer that “I have to carry around”! 

It has a wrist guard so you can swing it/have it dangle and I made a belt as a backup holster.  

Sickness

You guys are jerks….

A few years ago when “The Dark Knight” came out, EVERYONE went as “The Joker" or before that when “The Hangover” came out and everyone went as Zack Galifinakis’ character with the beard and baby routine. 

It’s too predictable. 

Everyone just wanted to make their costume as authentic to the movie as possible even though they knew it was going to be a popular and they were going to be bumping into their mirror images throughout the night.  Authentic is good but that’s not what you’re looking for.

If you pick something unique, it sets you apart.  Which is sort of the purpose.

Small comb...easy accessory for "Johnny B"

No, everyone might not know who or what you are but it’s not about them.  Everyone didn’t know that I was “Johnny Bravo” but some people did and yelled out the appropriate obscenities. 

A lot of people didn’t realize I was “Vanilla Ice”, partly because they kept asking if I was “MC Hammer”….even though I am white and had “ICE” clearly imprinted on me….have I mentioned people are idiots?

It’s about the people who DO know who you are.  Those are the people you’re going to meet and hang out with.

It’s a filtering process, it’s completely douche-proof and on the off chance that you meet a “nerly” (nerdy girly) who can point out which video game you’re dressed as…well then, that’s just an extra snickers in your candy bag isn’t it?

To bring it all together so you can get an idea of what I'm talking about, I’ll format this year’s Halloween costume assembly. 

It started 2 years ago when I was sitting at a bar in Texas with some co-workers.  A friend mentioned that Halloween was coming and that I kind of reminded her of “THOR”.  My hair was getting longer and I want to say the movie had just came out or was coming out soon. 

AMERICOW

So that’s where it all started. I had never thought of it before, but it was perfect!

However, I couldn’t do anything “THOR”-esque for that particular Halloween because I moved to New Zealand randomly and they don’t do Halloween really big there so I had to settle for “Ameri-COW” at the last minute because of my lack of resources and supplies.

No, that's not a costume...yes, that is a pajama onesy I borrowed from a friend of a friend....the shame is thick here.  

Fast forward 15 months of travelling and I make it back to the United States (where we are the only country who does this holiday CORRECTLY).  I booked a ticket to Hawaii specifically for Halloween purposes (like there’s other stuff to do here or something…pft…wait).  

I had already been researching ideas for “THOR” and had completed most of it by the time I arrived.  

I didn’t want to buy the costume from Marvel.  It cost too much money, had fake arm muscles and the model looked really gay…I didn’t want to be “Gay Thor”.  So I decided to make a homemade version of the comic book “THOR”.   

I went to “Target” and “K-Mart” (K-mart is still really big in Australia) and bought a black shirt, black socks and black pajama pants ($20).  I already had the black shoes and I didn’t want to buy boots that I was only going to wear one night because I don't think guys should wear boots that high...EVER.  So I had to make that up on the fly which I’ll cover in a minute.

I chose pajama pants over regular pants because I knew it would be warm in Hawaii, so it's breezy and easily discarded.  It all comes back to accessibility (there's that word again!).  

Then for “THOR’s armor”, I borrowed various butter container tops and yogurt caps from my other hostel dwellers ($2, I had to buy one of them) and spray painted them chrome ($5).

“THOR’s cape” came from a friend’s girlfriend who worked at a costume shop (free).  It was a “Superman” cape of course, but once it was turned around and the edges pinned together in the back, the “S” was untraceable. 

Now all that was needed was a little Avenger assembly!  (Get it???)

Luckily I had already met an extremely sexy, cool, and talented lady (did I say sexy?) staying at my hostel who was very excited to help me in my cause and without her the costume probably wouldn’t have came out as great as it did. (Thank you SO MUCH Sophia, you ROCK!)

I was planning on pinning everything (cape included) to the t-shirt.  Total guy move…one part lazy, one part retarded.  

She didn’t like that (because it looked terrible obviously) so she sewed it all together for me.  It all worked out quite nicely, even nicer than I anticipated. 

Getting ready

I had to be authentic though.  Even if everything else was obviously homemade, so I bought “THOR’s Hammer” online ($15), which wouldn’t have cost so much if I didn’t have to get it shipped to my friend’s house in Hawaii.  It cost more to ship there than the actual hammer itself did. 

Then I bought yellow fabric from Wal-mart when I arrived in Hawaii ($6) and made cufflinks, a belt, and boot covers.  

All with some scissors, a stapler, and more safety pins I borrowed from the hostel.  The cufflinks were easily pinned together, the belt I stapled an emblem on the front and tied around my waist and I pinned the boot covers to my socks & black shoes. 

I already had the hair and the beard, so my mission was complete.  Here’s the finished results:

All for under $50, it was $48 but still.  Some things are just necessary.  “Thor’s Hammer” just happens to be one of those things. 

So that's how it's done.  Cheap and efficient.  Smart and ACCESSIBLE. Handsome and fit....wait...what were we talking about again?  

Hope everyone has a happy Halloween!  If not, check this list next year and get in touch with me.  I’m always having a good one!

Next issue: My Hawaii-lloween Adventure

Comin' to a Waikiki near you

Kuta, Bali

Monkey Temple near Uluwatu

After the Kiwi boys’ James & Joel found us randomly by our pool.  We thought that our next move in Kuta, should literally be to move.  We walked down with the guys towards the Poppies’ streets near their “hostel”.  These 2 streets are right in the center of downtown Kuta.  We chose to walk down “Poppies II” based on a tip the Kiwi guys heard the night before.

Since they had been there for a few nights, they had already made a few friends with some locals and other travellers who gave them suggestions.  Suggestions ranging from where to eat and party, to where we should stay, the place we chose to stay was called the “Gora Beach Inn” for only $25/night. 

At the first sight of Gora, I was not convinced that the Aussies James & Joel met had been completely truthful with them.  There is a running feud between the Kiwis and Aussies, so just on appearance alone I thought that maybe a joke had been played on these guys. 

Gora Beach Inn on Poppies II

I thought this because the front of Gora was their carport…we learned after going through that it kept getting better and more scenic the further we went on. 

“Hostel” is a loose term in Indonesia.  They are “hostel” prices luckily, but we quickly learned that one can easily pay these prices for better accommodations as well.  They are actually resorts.  Once we made it past the carport, the resort really opened up and truly got more comforting and likeable.

When we first walked back, we saw an entire pool full of hot girls and understandably half-naked gentlemen (if that’s what you’re into).  The “tip” that our Kiwi buddies received was that this was the place that all the “surfing Aussies who liked to party” stayed.  Good enough for us.  We booked in there for our remaining 4 days in Kuta.

Where did all the naked people go?

Honestly though, the Aussies weren’t that cool.  Not to classify all of them in a category together but I’m glad that I had already lived in Australia for a little while and met some before I went to Kuta.  If I would have met those Aussies and thought that was what all Aussies were like, I probably would have stayed away from Australia.

They were just punks to be honest.  Typical surfer, too cool for school types with their singlets and flat brimmed hats, just not my type of people.  Disrespecting the locals, and treating Indonesia like their own personal play house.  They're on vacation, so they don’t care and they definitely don’t appreciate other cultures.  I talked to some of my Aussie friends about this when I got back and these “bogans” were stereotypically typical. 

Since everything was already laid out for Cheese and I, we decided to go to the beach and chill out for a little while.  What we didn’t realize was our interesting and almost celebrity-like status once we arrived. 

It’s a very simplistic life in Indo, not all by choice exactly, but it’s still very simple.  Sunset is about the time all the tourists get off the beach, so the other locals come to join the other Balinese who do their work on the beach. 

Not too shabby for a "hostel"

I think it’s because the locals who work on the beach actually stay there…as in, live on the beach.  Literally.  So “after work”, you normally go to your friends place…or maybe a nice spot to grab a beer for Happy Hour maybe…well, these people have friends who work on the beach with coolers of beer…whatever beer that isn’t sold can be sold (Happy Hour-ish) to their friends at a discounted price and everyone watches the sunset. 

The guys who work on the beach start at 6 or 7 in the morning and stay working until the sun goes down.  Then some of them go to their houses or wherever they live, while others camp out on the beach, every night.  It’s wild. 

I also couldn’t decide if it was sad or not.  It’s really cool to an extent, but you can’t possibly “want” to camp out on the beach every night and then work there too.  Then again, the weather is mostly perfect so it’s not as if it’s too miserable out there.  But coming from a guy who has slept on his share of sand and camped on beaches, shit gets old really quick. 

Good times with great people

Work for the beach locals involves anything from surf board rentals/lessons, bike hire, beverages of any kind, etc etc.  They each have their own section of the beach.  They also work together, so if they don’t have something you want, they’ll go get it for you from one of their friends along the beach.  They set chairs up around their own shaded area and try to talk tourists into coming to their station to hang out with them and their friends. 

It was annoying at first, kind of like the airport zombies we encountered where they just wouldn’t leave you alone and God help you if you stop moving.  If you stand still, they all swarm to you like hungry lions on a wildebeest.  

We go into it eventually.  They are a lot of fun, they’re just trying to make some money.  In their line of business, if they don’t do that to you, they won’t sell and if they don’t sell…then they don’t make ANYTHING.  It’s not exactly an hourly wage, so you need to gain a certain understanding of their lifestyle to appreciate it.

Celebrity status

On this particular sunset the beach was completely full of Indonesian people who wanted to take our picture and take pictures with us, for what reason?  We still have no idea why!

I like to say that it was because Joel is such a sexy man beast and my beard was by far beyond anything they have ever seen on another person’s face…but what do I know?  So we pose for them naturally and say “Hello”, we throw the Frisbee around and have what I’ll describe as an interesting time on the beach. 

We went back to the hostel and began drinking by the pool.  Our Kiwi buddies were giving us the lowdown (you’re also reading the LOWDOWN…clever) on what to do in the area.  This pretty much relegates around the Sky Garden, which was conveniently located right across from the street we stayed on.

They serve free drinks to all tourists there from 9-10, there are 6 different levels and it’s pretty much packed every night.  The drinks are not good by any means, but they are free and they don’t care how many you grab nor the amount of times you stumble back up to them.  Just your basic watered down vodka mixed with various juice/soda…very terrible, also very effective.

On the main strip in Kuta at night they have scantily clad girls handing out vouchers for free drinks to whatever venue they work for.  They are the same kind of drinks everywhere, you only get one…but if you play your cards right, you can drink for free for at least a few hours hoping around from venue to venue. 

Joel, Yours truly, Mr. McGee, and James

Sky Garden was pretty cool except I’ve never struck out so many times in my whole life…I was 0 for the century at this place.  All the places actually and it became sort of a game for me, my beard was apparently not as “becoming” as I thought.  I did get a lot of positive comments…from dudes…not exactly what I was going for.  But I was stuck without a shaver so I couldn’t shave until I went back to Australia.

With that in mind, since I already knew I wasn’t going to get any play it opened me up to freely say whatever came into my head…not that I don’t already do that but without anything to lose I even became surprised with the amount of toxic conversation that kept spraying from my mouth. 

I got turned down by everyone.  Russians, Italians, Frenchies, lesbians…you name it, I had a run and so did they…away from me.  

James' sweaty drunken dancing

The Kiwi guys had a nice thing going with 2 Dutch girls they met.  So we all got together and since the girls lived there and spoke Balinese, we got to do a lot of cool stuff for cheap.

That’s how the first couple of nights went.  Same story each over those next few nights with the venue hoping for free drinks, the Garden with their free drinks and hasheesh hookas, sprinkle in a few random travellers and 8 hot Canadian neighbors and of course…my constant rejection. 

For instance, I talked with these 2 German chicks that stayed at our hostel for a while one night, mainly because of the potential I saw by the pool that afternoon.  They came out with us and I thought things were going well. 

Sky Garden set up on the roof

Cheese and I went off and sat with them alone for a little while.  Except the little weasel squeezed in beside the hotter blonde one, crafty bastard that he is.  Oh well, the brunette was cute so I went along with it…not a bad consolation prize I told myself.  Even though the blonde was BY FAR hotter, but I’m a good sport so instead of competing I let Cheesey Mo have his day.

Unfortunately it didn’t work out for either one of us.  The blonde had too much to drink and went home sick, so Cheese, the brunette and I all went back and found the Kiwis and the Dutchies.

We were all drinking and having a good time.  Until the brunette decided to mention that she had a boyfriend and wasn’t interested in being anything other friends with me…which SUCKED…because I didn’t even want her!  How does this happen!?  I knew I should have squeezed in with the blonde…damn you hindsight!

Dancing with Canucks

The friends thing was fine with me, until I explained to her my position on the situation.  That basically if I had known that going in, I would have went and found some other girl to chat with and not spent so much time putting in work with her….she didn’t understand or appreciate it.  I tried to explain it to her in a kind way that said we CAN BE FRIENDS but she wasn’t happy. 

It is simple math, at least to me.  “You’re not going to do anything with me so if I knew that I would have went and found someone who would…we can still be friends of course…but I wouldn’t have spent that amount of time with you.”

She wanted to know if that information changed my decision in watching a German soccer match with her at 4am…since I already said that I would before I knew I was in the dreaded “friend zone”. 

I told her no, which was a complete lie, so I still went to be nice…I just left at halftime after I decided that my presence there was unnecessary, or pointless more like it.  Needless to say, she changed her mind about the whole friends/Facebook situation. 

The next day we woke up early because the Kiwi guys were very active and apparently don’t experience hangovers in their country.  It’s a good thing they were with us though, otherwise we may have stayed in bed or at the hostel by the pool. 

Hangin' out at Jeki's

We went to the beach to find one of the Dutch girls’ friends.  His name was Jeki and he had his own beach setup as I covered before.  He gave us a good price on surf lessons and we spent the whole day out there with him. 

I had been surfing before.  Well, more like paddling in the water and falling into it with a board strapped to my foot.  So I was excited to get some actual LESSONS.  It was a lot of work but I finally got to the point where I could get up consistently.  Some of the other didn’t fare so well but it was a good time had by all.    

Jeki also hooked us up with his brother who worked for a speed boat company.  It’s nice to get in with the locals on things such as this because usually it cost $660,000 Rp ($66) for one way to the island of Gili Trawagan.  We paid that price for the roundtrip with an open return date.  We found out later that we did still overpay a bit, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been if we went and got them somewhere else. 

Joel & the view

The day after that we got together with the Dutch girls and rented mopeds.  They took us to Uluwatu and Padang Padang.  It was pretty scary and fun all at the same time.  There are no rules on the roads in these Asian countries.  Everyone just does whatever they want, whenever they want.  It’s really dangerous being on a bike. 

The guy at the shop didn’t want me to have mine for some strange reason.  Can’t say that I blame him really I guess, since I almost wrecked it the first time we pulled away from his shop.

 

Sun never sets on a bad-ass

I had never been on a moped before and I let it get away from me…so I may have “grazed” the bar next to his shop on my take off.  I thought it was funny, until I turned around and realized that the owner had chased me down and told me to bring him his bike back because he didn’t think I was capable of operating it.

“You should bring that back, you’re going to die” – Angry Little Indonesian Man

“Nah, I’m good” – Silly American

Another interesting thing about Indo is that there are no gas stations.  Only people on the side of the road with bookshelves full of Absolute Vodka bottles containing gasoline. These are their “stations”.  There are lots of cars but more often than not people travel on mopeds (it’s so they can go around traffic and pull up onto the sidewalks, no rules).

Cool side of the mountain town, killer waves

We stopped at this area in Padang Padang which was on the side of a mountain/cliff.  It was a little inverted town built along the side.  So instead of walking around, you walk down this stone stair well through the town until you reach the beach at the bottom.  They have shops and restaurants with incredibly bad service but it’s still neat.  It was pretty sweet and obviously I didn’t die on the bike so that was a major plus for me. 

It was a major plus for my sister as well because she was flying in the next day.  Which was actually the day of because she got the dates wrong.  She didn’t realize that time-travel was involved when flying across the world (and she teaches today’s youth!). 

It was great because I hadn’t seen her in about 6 months.  We had a chat about me going to Indo and she said she would come join me for her summer break.  Except, she always says that when I tell her what I’m doing so I didn’t really pay much attention to it but then she bought the ticket and actually came, so it was really cool.  We’re a lot alike in the spontaneous, try to live for the moment kind of way.

I was really worried about her too though.  I thought the Indo’s would eat her alive.  They’re not actual zombies…they just act like them.  That episode of “South Park” where the homeless people are looking for change describes it pretty well.  

Here’s a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlBtlDj-ARE&feature=related

The problem with Holly is (NOTHING, she’s f’n awesome in every single way!), but she’s just way too nice sometimes.  So instead of ignoring the people like she should, I was expecting her to stop and talk to them…because she's very kind and naturally giving...but places like Indo where they want your money and try to take advantage these features could only lead to trouble, or her spending money she didn’t intend to spend.  She surprised me though, she handled herself very well, even to the adorable beggar children that get sent out when all else fails.

She's obviously the shy one

I was supposed to get her at the airport but since we got the dates screwed up, she was on her own.  Holly also has traveled a lot and is completely capable of handing herself on the road.  She managed to get herself into a nice spa by the airport and then I went to pick her up and brought her back to Gora with Cheese, the Kiwi’s, and myself (sounds like some kind of lunch menu).

She’s also the more conventional one in the family.  She needs to have a plan.  She needs to know what is happening and when it’s happening, she’s very punctual unlike me who has been late to everything I’ve ever done, ever.  So I wasn’t sure how she would take to the lifestyle Cheese and I lead on the road.  Where anything goes at any time and we don’t exactly make plans so much as loose outlines to just figure it out later. 

She was really awesome with that as well though.  She just wanted some time away from home, a true getaway with no worries involved.  So she left it all up to us and we had a great time.

Me & The Sis

We showed her around and went through the Sky Garden routine.  We rounded up the entire crew…of Canadians, Kiwis, Sierra and her “friend” McGee, Cheesey Mo and had a blast every night and most days (when we weren’t hungover), of course Holly & I broke out the “Humpty Dance” in the middle of the street as I like to do from time to time.

To those who don’t know the “Humpty Dance” here’s another link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cj9_yW8tZxs

And since you don’t know it, you probably would like to know this fun fact, 2pac is one of the background dancers on stage in this video!  See if you can spot him, he got his start with Digital Underground.  Yes, that 2pac!

The Crew with Jeki

We went back to Jeki’s and hung out on the beach, we only stayed in Kuta 2 days after she arrived because we were so excited to travel to the island of Gili Trawangan.

Plus there’s only so much to be done in Kuta to be honest, I only stayed for 5 days total and if you have ever went to a vacation by the beach then you’ve probably done everything there is to do. 

It’s a lot of fun but it’s also all the same in most of these places.  Besides our best times were ahead, on to GILI!

HOOKA

Teaching Bar Etiquette to Australians

My original idea for this post was to convey information about the trade of bartending.  I have been "stuck" in this profession for several years.

Stuck, not in a bad way but more like in an awkward "I can't escape" sort of way.  Like that moment on a public bus when the old person gets on and sits right down beside you.

Not trying to say that itself is a big deal, until you peer across at the adjacent seats and across the walkway and realize that there are 6 open seats all around you and for some reason "Oldie Canes-deline" decided to sit as impossibly close to you as he/she could.

Nowhere to go.  You're just stuck and it's starts to get a little weird.

I've bartended in many different cities.  3 states, plenty of different venues, and more recently... I've explored this profession in different countries.  3 to be exact; the U.S., New Zealand, and most recently Australia.  All with their own certain qualities and rules but generally it's the same game, it's just a different ballpark...as the idiom goes.

Hula Hut in Austin, Texas...Yes, that is my hair

So bartending pays the bills and has done so, well enough for me to save for these trips, drink incessantly, live comfortably, etc etc.

Since I have a lot of experience in so many different types of venues (bars, restaurants, clubs) it's been fairly easy to obtain a job in each of the 3 countries I've been in, plus, I'm American.

Which believe it or not, actually HELPS (FOR ONCE!) in this scenario because other countries believe (and rightfully so) that we have the best customer service in the world.

"You're American?  Oh, you must be nice to people then...come in, we'll give you a trial"

The job is not all bad mind you.  I enjoy it to a similar degree.  The meeting of new people (girls do love the guy serving the drinks, FACT), creating cocktails/shots (I have invited a new "Irish Car Bomb" that is TO DIE FOR), and it's just generally a fun job to have with the right combination of co-workers and fun customers.

See! I do enjoy the job greatly...why do people hire me?
No idea

However, as I'm sure you've already guessed, those "fun customers" aren't the only ones you deal with and are generally less frequent than...the others....

I notice the pricks more in other countries than in the United States (shock factor...engaged).

Not that it doesn't happen in NZ or OZ, but in the U.S. it's more acceptable for the bartender to have a drink/shot with a customer if that particular bartender (this guy!) can handle themselves accordingly (i.e. not get too drunk, vomit, lose/miscount money, etc etc).

So since I'm usually just as drunk as my customers are in the U.S., I don't notice them as much because I'm always in a good mood for some weird reason.

In all of these countries you also have all the power as the bartender, no matter the forum.  What you say goes, and unlike waiting or serving; your interaction with customers is anywhere from 5 seconds to 5 minutes (depending on the amount of drinks and/or the cocktails being made) as opposed to an hour or more.

Which I also like because as much as I like meeting new people.  I also hate them just the same.

"A person is smart, people are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it."  Like Tommy Lee Jones says in "Men in Black".

"The person is smart", singular;

"people are dumb and irrational", plural.

I know, it seems like I'm a complete contradiction of myself.  I probably am, so consider yourself lucky that you don't have to live with it.  Maybe, I've just been doing it for too long, maybe I've seen all there is to be seen standing behind a bar, or maybe, just maybe...I know what the hell I'm talking about.

I used to really enjoy people, until I chose a profession that worked with them EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I like to declare that I just expect too much from people (like a little common sense...for a change).  But just bare with me until the end and I think you'll see what I mean and the amazing part is, if you don't, you're most likely falling into one of these categories of people coming up.

As bad as it sounds; if you're not an attractive female, a kind person, generally witty, or bringing some sort of different variation than the other 300 people I've already served that day....odds are, I already hate you.  Just on sight (see, I've been doing this way too long).

So as the story goes, I began a checklist of bullet points I wanted to mention in this story.  However, I noticed that something was wrong with my hand because it wouldn't write what I wanted it to.

What started out as a differences/advantages/perks list about bartending across the world, slowly and almost methodically turned into a list of things (front AND back) I wanted to teach the people of Australia in the art of bar etiquette.

Shake shake, shake shake, sha-shake it!

Why?

Because they have none.

Other than the ones who have worked in the bar themselves (and yes, you can tell).

Which by the way, bartenders love to throw that tidbit of information to any other bartender within earshot whether you ask or not.

It's a secret language to a certain degree even though there is absolutely NOTHING clever about sharing that information.

In the U.S. it is generally done to see if a conversation can be struck up with other bartenders to find a common ground that will provide discounted or free drinks to all parties involved.  I too am completely guilty of this because as I always say "if it's free, it's for me".  I think it's a general rule-of-thumb across the world.

They're not the ones that bother me though.  The ones who can't seem to behave in an orderly fashion, the ones who are completely lost and act as if they haven't been in that situation at the bar before, the people who have no common sense or decency...these are the people I'm speaking of.

It's really quite startling in Australia.  For a nation that prides themselves on drinking as much as they can, as often as they do and yet they can't seem to grasp the simple concept of ordering one.

Some of my coworkers at "King Street Bar"

Not all Aussies are like this, I have experienced it in other countries as well.  So to say that I haven't seen these exact same practices done in the states would be ludicrous.  It would be unethical and most importantly misinforming.

These idiots exist...EVERYWHERE.

The difference with Australia; I'm sorry to say, is the volume of which it happens.  Almost as if, it's normal protocol.  As if somewhere along the lines of their civilization they all had a meeting and decided that this was the way to interact with people who serve you drinks.

Of course I am completely convinced that this meeting actually did happen when Australia was founded by a ship full of rejected convicts..."get a beer wench!" or "man need rum" or however they used to talk in those days...I wasn't there...but it's almost like I can see it.  Not sure they spoke with such a caveman-esque tone but "man need rum" is more intelligible than some of the things that I've heard on this continent when someone wants something, to add some perspective.

Again, not to say that this doesn't happen in other countries, I can't stress that enough but these things happen so frequently and they bothered me so badly that I felt propelled to write a heated blog entry about it.

Not idiots, 2 friends who came to visit me

So the best way I figured to convey this, was to post my exact list that I wrote when I was bored at work one night....with explanations and examples following of course.

I would also like to announce that I think a small percentage of people actually know what they want out of this life and that an even smaller percentage actually know what they want when they approach a bar...which by all means is an incredibly easy decision if you think about it in the "big picture" kind of setting....basically, we're all in trouble....

CHECKLIST FOR THE BARTENDER ENTRY:

-ORDERING A "CAB SAUV" FOR A GLASS OF WINE...THERE ARE NO RED SAUVIGNONS DUMMIES
Yes, first off, I do realize that there is such thing as a "Cabernet Sauvignon".

Most likely located at a winery, or a nice bar with a large wine selection.  However, the last place that I worked in Australia was an Irish Pub and could absolutely care less about anything fancy like that.  The place before that had more wine selections and still no "Cab Sauv's".

At Kelly's Irish Pub, we had 4 wine selections.  2 for each type.  Really posh obviously.

So the question to the customer should be easy, a simple direction, red or white?

1st floor bar of "Melbas at the Park"

After answering, you would hope the customer could move gracefully into phase 2 of the questioning...on their own.  They drink wine, so they must know what comes next...right???  We've established color, now...what type?

But alas, I must always seem to help guide these poor uneducated souls...like helping a small child who keeps trying to put the square block in the triangle hole.

In Kelly's for instance; with red, you may choose a CAB/Merlot or a Shiraz.  With white, a Chardonnay or a Semillion SAUVIGNON Blanc.

That's it.  Should be simple right?

Again, the fault doesn't lie within the questioning.  Nor does it lie within the selection, or lack there of.

It's not like we have a wine list, so I can't really blame them for not knowing our selection.  However, what I CAN and WILL blame them for, is not listening to the selections when I tell them and just coming up to the bar spouting out this "Cab Sauv" nonsense whenever they want a glass of wine.  It honestly puts my blood to boil when I hear it now.

If you notice 2 paragraphs up I italicized and underlined CAB in the reds and SAUV in the whites.

The reason being is that they are 2 different things in 2 different categories but I'll be damned if not a weekend goes by that some retard doesn't stroll up to the bar and orders them self a nice glass of THE "Cab Sauv".

Then I name them our selections...we go through the motions, red/white...blah blah blah.  AND THEY STILL SAY "CAB SAUV"!

What do you want people!?

Then a sudden stroke of genius hits them and they decide...after I finally decide to choose the red or the white for them....that they want the other kind!!!  AND NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH ONE I CHOOSE, they ALWAYS "wanted the other one".

That's why they are RETARDED!

Honestly, once I hear "Cab/Sauv" it's all over for that person.  I don't care what they want anymore.

So, I have taken it upon myself until the day I leave the bar to promptly correct them and actually take the time out of my busy day to discuss the difference of their selection, as well as make them accountable for their own idiocracy.

-ORDERING "BOURBON" AND MEANING "BOURBON & COKE" OR "1 SHOT OF BOURBON" AND NOT MEANING A SHOT...MEANING A "BOURBON...& COKE"
I've been in Australia long enough that I actually do know this one now.  I know what they mean.  I still do it on purpose because it grinds my gears.

This one probably happens the most because in Australia they only drink 4 common drinks...any general Aussie person will walk up to the bar and about 8 out of 10 of them are going to order 1 of 4 things.

Either a bourbon & coke, some form of cider, a vodka lemon/lime (which means vodka, sprite and lime) & bitters, and/or whatever the cheapest beer available is.  So this is quite frequent.

Yet again, I have taken it upon myself to make these assholes accountable for their behavior.  So when they come to the bar and order "a shot of bourbon" or just say "bourbon".  That's exactly what I give them.

A SHOT of bourbon.  In a shot glass.  Or, more likely I'll give them a shot with no ice in a 7 oz. glass because I know what comes next...

And what comes next is the perfect time for me to introduce you all to my arch-nemesis.  The transgendered, completely irrelevant and forever upsetting....DICK CUSTOMER.

"Uh, can I get some coke with that?"- Silly drunken dick of a customer suggests.

"Did you say that you wanted coke at any point in that request?"- Handsome, much smarter than you, bartender replies.

"No"- DC (Dick Customer) sighs.

Learn how to order a drink then.  If you want coke, say COKE; if you want a drink..then don't say "A SHOT OF".  Yes, there's a shot that goes into said drink...but you're an absolute monkey if you think it's the same thing.

I can't stand when they say "1 shot of bourbon" and then get mad when there's no coke mixed in.  Like I'm the retard...seriously...it's almost like when they approach the bar they think they're an outlaw in a country western and then while I'm pouring suddenly realize that they're just a pussy in 2012 wearing skinny jeans who doesn't know how to order a drink...their transformation is unreal.

1/3 of the bar I worked at in Gold Coast...this is one floor of 3

"Wait...what's today???...This doesn't look like a bar during the California Gold Rush....
why am I wearing these glass frames with no lenses?
...did I get here by horse or skateboard?  Did I just say shot of bourbon???...
WAIT, WAIT, PLEASE SIR, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I NEED COKE WITH THAT BOURBON!!!" - DC (Dick Customer)

On a semi-related note, one thing about Australia that is a little different I learned, is they also call Sprite, Lemonade.  I think it's because they don't actually have lemonade, the sugary water based drink doesn't exist here.

But it's okay because when at the bar they don't say that they want that either.  So I guess it doesn't matter too much.

-ORDERING A "TEQUILA" AND WANTING A "TEQUILA SUNRISE"...WITHOUT SAYING "SUNRISE".  
This one goes out to the ladies!!!  This one doesn't even make me mad anymore, it's just funny.

Honestly, will girls ever understand that we (as guys, but I'm including bartenders here) are not psychics???

That they (and I mean any random girl you've never seen or met before) are not the most important person in our life?  Just because your tits are out and you have enough makeup on to make Liza Minnelli blush, doesn't mean I know what you want.

It probably means that I even care a little less BECAUSE your TITS ARE OUT and they won't stop looking at me....

How the hell am I supposed to know what you want?  When people order tequila...or better yet, say the word TEQUILA, it means one of 2 things are coming next.

 "Tequila Sunrise" OR a "TEQUILA SHOT".  Except when you don't add the "Sunrise", it is generally known that a shot is the presumed beverage of choice.

It's the one acceptable term for house (cheapest) liquors without further description necessary because when you say "Tequila" without a specification...it's world-renowned for "Give me a shot, I want to make some bad decisions".

Same rules apply with my aforementioned "bourbon" corrective study.

I pour them a SHOT and when she FINALLY explains what she THINKS she WANTED...(which we know can't be true because she's a silly girl that doesn't know what she wants)...

I then proceed to chastise her into taking the tequila shot I poured instead of what she actually thinks she wanted...apparently...whatever...it's mainly for my own amusement for when she does decide to make those bad decisions.  Bartenders.  We're like eagles, we see you, we see you ALL!

-ORDERING A "SCOTCH WITH A SPECIFIC NUMBER OF ICE CUBES" AND PUTTING COKE IN ANYWAYS
-NOT KNOWING WHAT "NEAT" OR "ROCKS" MEANS.  NOT SPECIFYING FOR ONE OR THE OTHER AND GETTING MAD BECAUSE I CAN'T READ YOUR MIND
I put these 2 together because they frequent each other so often and you don't really care for either.  Like retarded red-headed step children.  Like "Bill & Ted" or that movie "Dude, where's my car".  They hang around with each other a lot...sometimes they may even make you laugh but for the most part, they just make you cringe and wish it were over.

Scotch drinkers are amazing to me.  The sense of self-worth they have is uncanny, which is never correct, but they like to think it is.

I don't judge people for drinking what they drink....Okay, I totally do.  But that's not the point!

When ordering "Scotch" or any drink really, all you have to do is learn a few simple phrases that will make everyone's day go a lot smoother.  "Neat" means you want no ice cubes in your drink...you simply want a shot to sip on.

"On the rocks" means you want ONLY ice cubes in your drink.  "Scotch & Coke" means...well, you get the point...unless your Australian and then I probably just lost you with that previous sentence because I described something in full....anyways...

Elyssa & Khis in "Ruby Cocktail Lounge"

Anything else and you just look ridiculous.

Some scotch drinkers prefer only a few ice cubes.  They want it chilled just a bit, but not too watered down.  That's perfectly understandable and totally acceptable among drinking cultures, every scotch drinkers knows "the only real way to drink scotch"...and don't worry, they'll tell you...even when you don't ask.

The problem here lies with the Coke.  Scotch and coke is also a very acceptable drink.  But when you order a scotch with 3 ice cubes (or whatever the case) and then dump coke on top of it...you're not impressing anyone.  You just look like a prick.  I see this happen a lot with guys talking to girls at the bar.  I think they believe it makes them look tougher or something.

"Can I have a scotch, with (any random number) ice cubes"- DC (once again, Dick Customer).

"No problem"- "Insanely sexy bartender, who moonlights as a psychic because he's so smart" replies.

DC turns back to the girl he's chatting with...then as soon as she's ordering her drink or not paying attention...

"Hey buddy, can you put some coke in that???"-DC.

Way to go DICK CUSTOMER.  You're a real wiener (see, see what I did there?).  Winner=Wiener.

Or the customers who ask for a "tall glass".  Then you give them a drink in a standard tall glass...and they want the draft glass or schooner (as it's affectionately known in OZ).

So you just really don't even want to drink tonight huh?

Yes, I absolutely judge you "guy or girl who doesn't like the taste of alcohol so chooses to drink 37 liters of coke with each shot to hide his or her sandy vagina"...

Yes...I judge you...I mock you to your face...and make fun of you with my bartender friends behind your back....grow a pair or stop drinking, you're embarrassing us.

So these are all common problems with drinkers in Australia.  They don't know what substance they want, they don't know what to mix with it or the appropriate amount to mix in and God help us all if they need a specific number of ice cubes...

-COMING UP TO THE BAR AND REQUESTING "BEER" OR "CIDER" WITH NO SPECIFICATION AND THEN GETTING ANGRY ABOUT MY SELECTION
This one is a personal favorite as well because whatever YOU (as the bartender) choose will be wrong.


This isn't the first bar ever invented.  There are choices and written on those individual choices of logos and pretty colors are a convenient string of letters put together called "words" or better yet, "names".

Use them or shut up and drink.  If you will truly drink anything put in front of you, then do this by all means, but don't you dare complain about it!

"Hard at work"

If you don't know what you want that's fine.  I get that all the time, it's not a big deal.  We'll work it out. I'll find something you like or make you something you've never had...but you have to bring something to the table jack-ass.

It's like when someone asks me for a shot and says they don't care what it is.  I then intelligently (because I moonlight as a psychic and know what's about to happen next) ask them what do they normally drink so I can get an idea for something.

Then the person proceeds to tell me everything he or she does NOT want in their shot...the one they just asked me for...that they "didn't care what it was".  Yeah, that one...

But to come up to the bar and request a general type of alcoholic drink without specifying is unacceptable and you should be ashamed of yourself.

You should also be aware that I don't know you and I'm not actually going to help you out unless I like you or you've given me a reason.  I'm literally going to choose the closest thing to me so I don't have to deal with you any longer than I have to, you should be happy I served you anything at all.

-SAYING "TA" INSTEAD OF "THANK YOU"
All Aussie, all the way and it absolutely gripes my ass every single time I hear it.

It makes them sound so posh (or so they think), like they're above me or something.  Just say "Cheers", "Thanks", "Legend", "Good-on ya", ANYTHING except...."Ta"....because I seriously just want to punch you in the face and throw you out of my bar.  This isn't "My fair lady" and you ARE NOT Rex Harrison.

You just sound ri-goddamn-diculous.  All of you.  Stop it.

-HANDING ME RANDOM COINS AFTER YOU'VE GIVEN ME MONEY, JUST TO BE RID OF THEM.  NOT TO MAKE NOTES BACK, $33.20 IS THE TOTAL AND THEY HAND YOU $46.85
Another "only Aussie gem".  This one gets worse as the night progresses because of the amount of change in Australia.

They have coins of $.05, $.10, $.20, $.50, $1.00, and $2.00.  So needless to say when buying a drink or several throughout the course of an evening, you're getting a lot of change back in your pocket.

Change, after accumulation can become burdensome and heavy.  So Aussies like to "get rid" of their change as much as humanly possible.  Again, not a problem, if done in a timely and appropriate fashion.  I'll even wait for a customer to hand me a specific amount of change if they think that they can get a full note out of it.

Funny money

But to come up to the bar and put everything in your pocket on said bar and ask, "is that enough?".

This is not cute.  I've killed people for less than that nonsense.

The funny part is, is that I have developed a system to counter these pests of society.  As soon as they ask, I tell them my simple rule of thumb, "If I count it, I keep it".

Easy translation, whatever I count either goes into the cash register for their purchase and the rest goes into my tips....

It's a 100% success rate, they immediately understand.  The study has proven 50/50 on their next move as to either say "that's fine, take it" or they scoop it up themselves and begin counting.  Either way, I'm always satisfied.  Which is why we are all here isn't it???  No?  Okay, it's just me then.

Or as the title of this section suggests, they hear their total and hand me the money to pay and then proceed to dig around for whatever coins they have to give me.  Not to make a note, just to get rid of it.  Which in turn creates more math for me...and I have never been a big fan of that.  So you are completely screwed DC.

So once again, to counter, I just count out their change faster than them and give it back before or even during their attempt to hand me more awkward and pointless coins or...

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...take their money in one hand and count out their change, then take the new coins in the other hand, hold it while I'm counting their change, up high so they can see...and then...give both hands full of coins back to them.  I LIVE FOR THIS MOMENT, I LOVE THIS!  The look on their face is priceless...and NO, I do not care and barely stick around for the question and answer portion.

-PAYING WITH A CARD, ASKING THEM IF THEY WANT CASH OUT AND THEY SAY "NO"....AND THEN COME BACK UP TO THE BAR TO PAY WITH THE CARD AGAIN
I'm no longer nice to these people, at all.  I, in fact choose to bully these poor bastards.  There's one thing that bugs me more than the aforementioned idiocracy, it's being unprepared.

A lot of places don't allow this service, which is another reason to take full advantage of it.  Some places will however allow you to take money out at the bar after a purchase.  It's basically another form of ATM without a service charge.  It's to help the bar staff flip more customers.  A lot of bars are all about flipping.  Get them in, get them out.  Quickly.

Basically, we don't want to fiddle around with the debit card machine everytime you come up to order ONE DRINK.  So get money out, you're spending it the same whether you take it out then or accumulate 20 receipts later, you cock wrangler you!

"Would you like to get cash out?" - "Unimpressed, bored with you" bartender asks..

"No" - DC

5 minutes later.

"I'd like another beer and to pay with card". - DC

Bartender then hops over bar, pulls your pants down and swipes the card down your ass crack multiple times until bleeding ensues and then sticks the card down your throat for emphasis....

Okay, maybe that doesn't happen.  But it would be a lesson and I bet they'd think twice about it before doing it again.

So now, I just ask/tell (depending on who you ask)...if they plan on having a few drinks that night...then suggest/demand (depending on who you ask) that they take money out so that we don't "have to" ignore them the next time they want a drink for being incredibly annoying.

I'm a peach.

-NOT HAVING YOUR MONEY/CARD READY TO PAY

More amused here than ever I assure you

This one to me is like jerking off with a cheese grater.  It's slightly amusing...but mostly painful.

For the life of me, I can't figure out how it's possible that people still do this.  It's like they've never purchased anything before.

"Wait, you mean I have to give you money for this?" is the look of bewilderment of the confused bar patron.

It's just a bad practice to have.  Good bartenders will look for the person ready to order, the person who knows what they want, the person who tips the best, and most importantly, the person with THEIR MONEY IN THEIR HAND.  Which politely suggests, "Hey man, I've been here before, I know what I want and I'll be out of here as soon as you give it to me."

It's worse when you have to make them a cocktail, or a long order, or a long order of cocktails.  As completely redundant as that sounds.  They spend all of their time chatting with their friends, watching the other bartenders, or putting their own thumb up their bum.  It makes no sense, get your wallet out...file through your ridiculously oversized pocketbook and get whatever currency is necessary for your order!

I wish I could reserve the right to allow the people behind you who have been waiting to kick you in the back of the knee.  Then take your money and set it on fire.

How have you not done this before?  This isn't a barter system, it takes money and I just spent 5 minutes making your drinks, 5 minutes of which you wasted by doing God knows what.  You sicken me, that is all.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it.  That's my Australian bartending class in a nutshell.  I wish they would sponsor me to do this, I'd make an absolute fortune.

I don't mean to be so harsh on the Aussies (yes, I totally do) because some of these incidents have occurred in other countries.  In fact, I actually prefer bartending in Australia...minus the fact that I can't drink on the job (which there are always ways around).

They really do have it figured out.  Their system makes things a lot easier and safer for everyone involved.   Again, I know some of these things do appear elsewhere, I'm simply making a point.

Things like: switching to plastic cups and schooners on weekends to cut down on fighting and broken glass, no doubles/shots/cocktails after certain times of the evening to keep everyone somewhat in line (this obviously changes depending on the volume of customers).  These are the things that are positive.

From a serving standpoint, this is totally how I would operate my bar because from a business standpoint it's genius.

For instancre, Kelly's charges for post mix or a mixer that's not water & limes separetely...
so a standard drink looks like this:

any house spirit = $5.70 + $.80 for post mix + $.50 for a lime (depending on the season and availability of limes) = a $7 drink (more on weekends)

Obviously higher quality brands cost more...but the post mix is the same if it's not on ice or with water and $.50 for a lime sounds ridiculous but not if you're the one running the bar.

Rooftop of ZanziBar

This doesn't even include the price raise throughout the night.  As the night goes on a lot of bars will raise their prices every couple of hours (generally $.20 or more) to cover higher wages and more security on the weekends.

A lot of people don't even realize it, but when they do, it's only $.20 more and they definitely want more drinks...so by the end of the night, the customer is paying at least $1 more than they were at the beginning...I think it's absolutely brilliant!

I would do it even if the wages didn't go higher, like in America for instance where the wages are incredibly low ($3.50/hr).  The customer isn't going to say "no" and go home...they're going to stay and dig for more change because their already tipsy and want to continue their night.

But seriously, the main reason I prefer Australian bartending is the wages.  They pay you an uncomfortable amount of money to do what we do and it only gets better on the weekends and holidays.

-Regular pay: $22/hr
-Gaming wages (if you handle money from the poker machines): $23.5/hr
-Saturdays: $28/hr
-Sundays: $35/hr
-Holidays: $50+/hr

You absolutely KILL IT over here.

Cheers, sincerely, your friendly neighborhood barkeep

That's not even including tips!  As I mentioned before, the change gets thrown into the cup because the customer doesn't want to deal with it.

It's not a lot mind you...but anywhere from $15-40 a night in tips from a country where tipping ISN'T customary is pretty damn good if you ask me.

It's how I paid for groceries during my time here, strictly on tips alone.  That's how much I would make.  You can't beat it.

There's no sponsorship for bartending because obviously anyone can do it but if there were I would definitely stay.

So as they say "Good on ya Australia, you're a legend!" in that department....now let's just tweak some of those other things we talked about....

"Shit people say to bartenders"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McMWRA4Tzw0

What's funny about this link...is it's true....