Stuck, not in a bad way but more like in an awkward "I can't escape" sort of way. Like that moment on a public bus when the old person gets on and sits right down beside you.
Not trying to say that itself is a big deal, until you peer across at the adjacent seats and across the walkway and realize that there are 6 open seats all around you and for some reason "Oldie Canes-deline" decided to sit as impossibly close to you as he/she could.
Nowhere to go. You're just stuck and it's starts to get a little weird.
I've bartended in many different cities. 3 states, plenty of different venues, and more recently... I've explored this profession in different countries. 3 to be exact; the U.S., New Zealand, and most recently Australia. All with their own certain qualities and rules but generally it's the same game, it's just a different ballpark...as the idiom goes.
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| Hula Hut in Austin, Texas...Yes, that is my hair |
Since I have a lot of experience in so many different types of venues (bars, restaurants, clubs) it's been fairly easy to obtain a job in each of the 3 countries I've been in, plus, I'm American.
Which believe it or not, actually HELPS (FOR ONCE!) in this scenario because other countries believe (and rightfully so) that we have the best customer service in the world.
"You're American? Oh, you must be nice to people then...come in, we'll give you a trial"
The job is not all bad mind you. I enjoy it to a similar degree. The meeting of new people (girls do love the guy serving the drinks, FACT), creating cocktails/shots (I have invited a new "Irish Car Bomb" that is TO DIE FOR), and it's just generally a fun job to have with the right combination of co-workers and fun customers.
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| See! I do enjoy the job greatly...why do people hire me? No idea |
I notice the pricks more in other countries than in the United States (shock factor...engaged).
Not that it doesn't happen in NZ or OZ, but in the U.S. it's more acceptable for the bartender to have a drink/shot with a customer if that particular bartender (this guy!) can handle themselves accordingly (i.e. not get too drunk, vomit, lose/miscount money, etc etc).
So since I'm usually just as drunk as my customers are in the U.S., I don't notice them as much because I'm always in a good mood for some weird reason.
In all of these countries you also have all the power as the bartender, no matter the forum. What you say goes, and unlike waiting or serving; your interaction with customers is anywhere from 5 seconds to 5 minutes (depending on the amount of drinks and/or the cocktails being made) as opposed to an hour or more.
Which I also like because as much as I like meeting new people. I also hate them just the same.
"A person is smart, people are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it." Like Tommy Lee Jones says in "Men in Black".
"The person is smart", singular;
"people are dumb and irrational", plural.
I know, it seems like I'm a complete contradiction of myself. I probably am, so consider yourself lucky that you don't have to live with it. Maybe, I've just been doing it for too long, maybe I've seen all there is to be seen standing behind a bar, or maybe, just maybe...I know what the hell I'm talking about.
I used to really enjoy people, until I chose a profession that worked with them EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I like to declare that I just expect too much from people (like a little common sense...for a change). But just bare with me until the end and I think you'll see what I mean and the amazing part is, if you don't, you're most likely falling into one of these categories of people coming up.
As bad as it sounds; if you're not an attractive female, a kind person, generally witty, or bringing some sort of different variation than the other 300 people I've already served that day....odds are, I already hate you. Just on sight (see, I've been doing this way too long).
So as the story goes, I began a checklist of bullet points I wanted to mention in this story. However, I noticed that something was wrong with my hand because it wouldn't write what I wanted it to.
What started out as a differences/advantages/perks list about bartending across the world, slowly and almost methodically turned into a list of things (front AND back) I wanted to teach the people of Australia in the art of bar etiquette.
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| Shake shake, shake shake, sha-shake it! |
Because they have none.
Other than the ones who have worked in the bar themselves (and yes, you can tell).
Which by the way, bartenders love to throw that tidbit of information to any other bartender within earshot whether you ask or not.
It's a secret language to a certain degree even though there is absolutely NOTHING clever about sharing that information.
In the U.S. it is generally done to see if a conversation can be struck up with other bartenders to find a common ground that will provide discounted or free drinks to all parties involved. I too am completely guilty of this because as I always say "if it's free, it's for me". I think it's a general rule-of-thumb across the world.
They're not the ones that bother me though. The ones who can't seem to behave in an orderly fashion, the ones who are completely lost and act as if they haven't been in that situation at the bar before, the people who have no common sense or decency...these are the people I'm speaking of.
It's really quite startling in Australia. For a nation that prides themselves on drinking as much as they can, as often as they do and yet they can't seem to grasp the simple concept of ordering one.
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| Some of my coworkers at "King Street Bar" |
These idiots exist...EVERYWHERE.
The difference with Australia; I'm sorry to say, is the volume of which it happens. Almost as if, it's normal protocol. As if somewhere along the lines of their civilization they all had a meeting and decided that this was the way to interact with people who serve you drinks.
Of course I am completely convinced that this meeting actually did happen when Australia was founded by a ship full of rejected convicts..."get a beer wench!" or "man need rum" or however they used to talk in those days...I wasn't there...but it's almost like I can see it. Not sure they spoke with such a caveman-esque tone but "man need rum" is more intelligible than some of the things that I've heard on this continent when someone wants something, to add some perspective.
Again, not to say that this doesn't happen in other countries, I can't stress that enough but these things happen so frequently and they bothered me so badly that I felt propelled to write a heated blog entry about it.
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| Not idiots, 2 friends who came to visit me |
So the best way I figured to convey this, was to post my exact list that I wrote when I was bored at work one night....with explanations and examples following of course.
I would also like to announce that I think a small percentage of people actually know what they want out of this life and that an even smaller percentage actually know what they want when they approach a bar...which by all means is an incredibly easy decision if you think about it in the "big picture" kind of setting....basically, we're all in trouble....
CHECKLIST FOR THE BARTENDER ENTRY:
-ORDERING A "CAB SAUV" FOR A GLASS OF WINE...THERE ARE NO RED SAUVIGNONS DUMMIES
Yes, first off, I do realize that there is such thing as a "Cabernet Sauvignon".
Most likely located at a winery, or a nice bar with a large wine selection. However, the last place that I worked in Australia was an Irish Pub and could absolutely care less about anything fancy like that. The place before that had more wine selections and still no "Cab Sauv's".
At Kelly's Irish Pub, we had 4 wine selections. 2 for each type. Really posh obviously.
So the question to the customer should be easy, a simple direction, red or white?
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| 1st floor bar of "Melbas at the Park" |
But alas, I must always seem to help guide these poor uneducated souls...like helping a small child who keeps trying to put the square block in the triangle hole.
In Kelly's for instance; with red, you may choose a CAB/Merlot or a Shiraz. With white, a Chardonnay or a Semillion SAUVIGNON Blanc.
That's it. Should be simple right?
Again, the fault doesn't lie within the questioning. Nor does it lie within the selection, or lack there of.
It's not like we have a wine list, so I can't really blame them for not knowing our selection. However, what I CAN and WILL blame them for, is not listening to the selections when I tell them and just coming up to the bar spouting out this "Cab Sauv" nonsense whenever they want a glass of wine. It honestly puts my blood to boil when I hear it now.
If you notice 2 paragraphs up I italicized and underlined CAB in the reds and SAUV in the whites.
The reason being is that they are 2 different things in 2 different categories but I'll be damned if not a weekend goes by that some retard doesn't stroll up to the bar and orders them self a nice glass of THE "Cab Sauv".
Then I name them our selections...we go through the motions, red/white...blah blah blah. AND THEY STILL SAY "CAB SAUV"!
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| What do you want people!? |
That's why they are RETARDED!
Honestly, once I hear "Cab/Sauv" it's all over for that person. I don't care what they want anymore.
So, I have taken it upon myself until the day I leave the bar to promptly correct them and actually take the time out of my busy day to discuss the difference of their selection, as well as make them accountable for their own idiocracy.
-ORDERING "BOURBON" AND MEANING "BOURBON & COKE" OR "1 SHOT OF BOURBON" AND NOT MEANING A SHOT...MEANING A "BOURBON...& COKE"
I've been in Australia long enough that I actually do know this one now. I know what they mean. I still do it on purpose because it grinds my gears.
This one probably happens the most because in Australia they only drink 4 common drinks...any general Aussie person will walk up to the bar and about 8 out of 10 of them are going to order 1 of 4 things.
Either a bourbon & coke, some form of cider, a vodka lemon/lime (which means vodka, sprite and lime) & bitters, and/or whatever the cheapest beer available is. So this is quite frequent.
Yet again, I have taken it upon myself to make these assholes accountable for their behavior. So when they come to the bar and order "a shot of bourbon" or just say "bourbon". That's exactly what I give them.
A SHOT of bourbon. In a shot glass. Or, more likely I'll give them a shot with no ice in a 7 oz. glass because I know what comes next...
And what comes next is the perfect time for me to introduce you all to my arch-nemesis. The transgendered, completely irrelevant and forever upsetting....DICK CUSTOMER.
"Uh, can I get some coke with that?"- Silly drunken dick of a customer suggests.
"Did you say that you wanted coke at any point in that request?"- Handsome, much smarter than you, bartender replies.
"No"- DC (Dick Customer) sighs.
Learn how to order a drink then. If you want coke, say COKE; if you want a drink..then don't say "A SHOT OF". Yes, there's a shot that goes into said drink...but you're an absolute monkey if you think it's the same thing.
I can't stand when they say "1 shot of bourbon" and then get mad when there's no coke mixed in. Like I'm the retard...seriously...it's almost like when they approach the bar they think they're an outlaw in a country western and then while I'm pouring suddenly realize that they're just a pussy in 2012 wearing skinny jeans who doesn't know how to order a drink...their transformation is unreal.
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| 1/3 of the bar I worked at in Gold Coast...this is one floor of 3 |
why am I wearing these glass frames with no lenses?
...did I get here by horse or skateboard? Did I just say shot of bourbon???...
WAIT, WAIT, PLEASE SIR, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I NEED COKE WITH THAT BOURBON!!!" - DC (Dick Customer)
On a semi-related note, one thing about Australia that is a little different I learned, is they also call Sprite, Lemonade. I think it's because they don't actually have lemonade, the sugary water based drink doesn't exist here.
But it's okay because when at the bar they don't say that they want that either. So I guess it doesn't matter too much.
-ORDERING A "TEQUILA" AND WANTING A "TEQUILA SUNRISE"...WITHOUT SAYING "SUNRISE".
This one goes out to the ladies!!! This one doesn't even make me mad anymore, it's just funny.
Honestly, will girls ever understand that we (as guys, but I'm including bartenders here) are not psychics???
That they (and I mean any random girl you've never seen or met before) are not the most important person in our life? Just because your tits are out and you have enough makeup on to make Liza Minnelli blush, doesn't mean I know what you want.
It probably means that I even care a little less BECAUSE your TITS ARE OUT and they won't stop looking at me....
How the hell am I supposed to know what you want? When people order tequila...or better yet, say the word TEQUILA, it means one of 2 things are coming next.
"Tequila Sunrise" OR a "TEQUILA SHOT". Except when you don't add the "Sunrise", it is generally known that a shot is the presumed beverage of choice.
It's the one acceptable term for house (cheapest) liquors without further description necessary because when you say "Tequila" without a specification...it's world-renowned for "Give me a shot, I want to make some bad decisions".
Same rules apply with my aforementioned "bourbon" corrective study.
I pour them a SHOT and when she FINALLY explains what she THINKS she WANTED...(which we know can't be true because she's a silly girl that doesn't know what she wants)...
I then proceed to chastise her into taking the tequila shot I poured instead of what she actually thinks she wanted...apparently...whatever...it's mainly for my own amusement for when she does decide to make those bad decisions. Bartenders. We're like eagles, we see you, we see you ALL!
-ORDERING A "SCOTCH WITH A SPECIFIC NUMBER OF ICE CUBES" AND PUTTING COKE IN ANYWAYS
-NOT KNOWING WHAT "NEAT" OR "ROCKS" MEANS. NOT SPECIFYING FOR ONE OR THE OTHER AND GETTING MAD BECAUSE I CAN'T READ YOUR MIND
I put these 2 together because they frequent each other so often and you don't really care for either. Like retarded red-headed step children. Like "Bill & Ted" or that movie "Dude, where's my car". They hang around with each other a lot...sometimes they may even make you laugh but for the most part, they just make you cringe and wish it were over.
Scotch drinkers are amazing to me. The sense of self-worth they have is uncanny, which is never correct, but they like to think it is.
I don't judge people for drinking what they drink....Okay, I totally do. But that's not the point!
When ordering "Scotch" or any drink really, all you have to do is learn a few simple phrases that will make everyone's day go a lot smoother. "Neat" means you want no ice cubes in your drink...you simply want a shot to sip on.
"On the rocks" means you want ONLY ice cubes in your drink. "Scotch & Coke" means...well, you get the point...unless your Australian and then I probably just lost you with that previous sentence because I described something in full....anyways...
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| Elyssa & Khis in "Ruby Cocktail Lounge" |
Some scotch drinkers prefer only a few ice cubes. They want it chilled just a bit, but not too watered down. That's perfectly understandable and totally acceptable among drinking cultures, every scotch drinkers knows "the only real way to drink scotch"...and don't worry, they'll tell you...even when you don't ask.
The problem here lies with the Coke. Scotch and coke is also a very acceptable drink. But when you order a scotch with 3 ice cubes (or whatever the case) and then dump coke on top of it...you're not impressing anyone. You just look like a prick. I see this happen a lot with guys talking to girls at the bar. I think they believe it makes them look tougher or something.
"Can I have a scotch, with (any random number) ice cubes"- DC (once again, Dick Customer).
"No problem"- "Insanely sexy bartender, who moonlights as a psychic because he's so smart" replies.
DC turns back to the girl he's chatting with...then as soon as she's ordering her drink or not paying attention...
"Hey buddy, can you put some coke in that???"-DC.
Way to go DICK CUSTOMER. You're a real wiener (see, see what I did there?). Winner=Wiener.
Or the customers who ask for a "tall glass". Then you give them a drink in a standard tall glass...and they want the draft glass or schooner (as it's affectionately known in OZ).
So you just really don't even want to drink tonight huh?
Yes, I absolutely judge you "guy or girl who doesn't like the taste of alcohol so chooses to drink 37 liters of coke with each shot to hide his or her sandy vagina"...
Yes...I judge you...I mock you to your face...and make fun of you with my bartender friends behind your back....grow a pair or stop drinking, you're embarrassing us.
So these are all common problems with drinkers in Australia. They don't know what substance they want, they don't know what to mix with it or the appropriate amount to mix in and God help us all if they need a specific number of ice cubes...
-COMING UP TO THE BAR AND REQUESTING "BEER" OR "CIDER" WITH NO SPECIFICATION AND THEN GETTING ANGRY ABOUT MY SELECTION
This one is a personal favorite as well because whatever YOU (as the bartender) choose will be wrong.
This isn't the first bar ever invented. There are choices and written on those individual choices of logos and pretty colors are a convenient string of letters put together called "words" or better yet, "names".
Use them or shut up and drink. If you will truly drink anything put in front of you, then do this by all means, but don't you dare complain about it!
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| "Hard at work" |
It's like when someone asks me for a shot and says they don't care what it is. I then intelligently (because I moonlight as a psychic and know what's about to happen next) ask them what do they normally drink so I can get an idea for something.
Then the person proceeds to tell me everything he or she does NOT want in their shot...the one they just asked me for...that they "didn't care what it was". Yeah, that one...
But to come up to the bar and request a general type of alcoholic drink without specifying is unacceptable and you should be ashamed of yourself.
You should also be aware that I don't know you and I'm not actually going to help you out unless I like you or you've given me a reason. I'm literally going to choose the closest thing to me so I don't have to deal with you any longer than I have to, you should be happy I served you anything at all.
-SAYING "TA" INSTEAD OF "THANK YOU"
All Aussie, all the way and it absolutely gripes my ass every single time I hear it.
It makes them sound so posh (or so they think), like they're above me or something. Just say "Cheers", "Thanks", "Legend", "Good-on ya", ANYTHING except...."Ta"....because I seriously just want to punch you in the face and throw you out of my bar. This isn't "My fair lady" and you ARE NOT Rex Harrison.
You just sound ri-goddamn-diculous. All of you. Stop it.
-HANDING ME RANDOM COINS AFTER YOU'VE GIVEN ME MONEY, JUST TO BE RID OF THEM. NOT TO MAKE NOTES BACK, $33.20 IS THE TOTAL AND THEY HAND YOU $46.85
Another "only Aussie gem". This one gets worse as the night progresses because of the amount of change in Australia.
They have coins of $.05, $.10, $.20, $.50, $1.00, and $2.00. So needless to say when buying a drink or several throughout the course of an evening, you're getting a lot of change back in your pocket.
Change, after accumulation can become burdensome and heavy. So Aussies like to "get rid" of their change as much as humanly possible. Again, not a problem, if done in a timely and appropriate fashion. I'll even wait for a customer to hand me a specific amount of change if they think that they can get a full note out of it.
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| Funny money |
This is not cute. I've killed people for less than that nonsense.
The funny part is, is that I have developed a system to counter these pests of society. As soon as they ask, I tell them my simple rule of thumb, "If I count it, I keep it".
Easy translation, whatever I count either goes into the cash register for their purchase and the rest goes into my tips....
It's a 100% success rate, they immediately understand. The study has proven 50/50 on their next move as to either say "that's fine, take it" or they scoop it up themselves and begin counting. Either way, I'm always satisfied. Which is why we are all here isn't it??? No? Okay, it's just me then.
Or as the title of this section suggests, they hear their total and hand me the money to pay and then proceed to dig around for whatever coins they have to give me. Not to make a note, just to get rid of it. Which in turn creates more math for me...and I have never been a big fan of that. So you are completely screwed DC.
So once again, to counter, I just count out their change faster than them and give it back before or even during their attempt to hand me more awkward and pointless coins or...
MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...take their money in one hand and count out their change, then take the new coins in the other hand, hold it while I'm counting their change, up high so they can see...and then...give both hands full of coins back to them. I LIVE FOR THIS MOMENT, I LOVE THIS! The look on their face is priceless...and NO, I do not care and barely stick around for the question and answer portion.
-PAYING WITH A CARD, ASKING THEM IF THEY WANT CASH OUT AND THEY SAY "NO"....AND THEN COME BACK UP TO THE BAR TO PAY WITH THE CARD AGAIN
I'm no longer nice to these people, at all. I, in fact choose to bully these poor bastards. There's one thing that bugs me more than the aforementioned idiocracy, it's being unprepared.
A lot of places don't allow this service, which is another reason to take full advantage of it. Some places will however allow you to take money out at the bar after a purchase. It's basically another form of ATM without a service charge. It's to help the bar staff flip more customers. A lot of bars are all about flipping. Get them in, get them out. Quickly.
Basically, we don't want to fiddle around with the debit card machine everytime you come up to order ONE DRINK. So get money out, you're spending it the same whether you take it out then or accumulate 20 receipts later, you cock wrangler you!
"Would you like to get cash out?" - "Unimpressed, bored with you" bartender asks..
"No" - DC
5 minutes later.
"I'd like another beer and to pay with card". - DC
Bartender then hops over bar, pulls your pants down and swipes the card down your ass crack multiple times until bleeding ensues and then sticks the card down your throat for emphasis....
Okay, maybe that doesn't happen. But it would be a lesson and I bet they'd think twice about it before doing it again.
So now, I just ask/tell (depending on who you ask)...if they plan on having a few drinks that night...then suggest/demand (depending on who you ask) that they take money out so that we don't "have to" ignore them the next time they want a drink for being incredibly annoying.
I'm a peach.
-NOT HAVING YOUR MONEY/CARD READY TO PAY
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| More amused here than ever I assure you |
For the life of me, I can't figure out how it's possible that people still do this. It's like they've never purchased anything before.
"Wait, you mean I have to give you money for this?" is the look of bewilderment of the confused bar patron.
It's just a bad practice to have. Good bartenders will look for the person ready to order, the person who knows what they want, the person who tips the best, and most importantly, the person with THEIR MONEY IN THEIR HAND. Which politely suggests, "Hey man, I've been here before, I know what I want and I'll be out of here as soon as you give it to me."
It's worse when you have to make them a cocktail, or a long order, or a long order of cocktails. As completely redundant as that sounds. They spend all of their time chatting with their friends, watching the other bartenders, or putting their own thumb up their bum. It makes no sense, get your wallet out...file through your ridiculously oversized pocketbook and get whatever currency is necessary for your order!
I wish I could reserve the right to allow the people behind you who have been waiting to kick you in the back of the knee. Then take your money and set it on fire.
How have you not done this before? This isn't a barter system, it takes money and I just spent 5 minutes making your drinks, 5 minutes of which you wasted by doing God knows what. You sicken me, that is all.
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That's it. That's my Australian bartending class in a nutshell. I wish they would sponsor me to do this, I'd make an absolute fortune.
I don't mean to be so harsh on the Aussies (yes, I totally do) because some of these incidents have occurred in other countries. In fact, I actually prefer bartending in Australia...minus the fact that I can't drink on the job (which there are always ways around).
They really do have it figured out. Their system makes things a lot easier and safer for everyone involved. Again, I know some of these things do appear elsewhere, I'm simply making a point.
Things like: switching to plastic cups and schooners on weekends to cut down on fighting and broken glass, no doubles/shots/cocktails after certain times of the evening to keep everyone somewhat in line (this obviously changes depending on the volume of customers). These are the things that are positive.
From a serving standpoint, this is totally how I would operate my bar because from a business standpoint it's genius.
For instancre, Kelly's charges for post mix or a mixer that's not water & limes separetely...
so a standard drink looks like this:
any house spirit = $5.70 + $.80 for post mix + $.50 for a lime (depending on the season and availability of limes) = a $7 drink (more on weekends)
Obviously higher quality brands cost more...but the post mix is the same if it's not on ice or with water and $.50 for a lime sounds ridiculous but not if you're the one running the bar.
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| Rooftop of ZanziBar |
A lot of people don't even realize it, but when they do, it's only $.20 more and they definitely want more drinks...so by the end of the night, the customer is paying at least $1 more than they were at the beginning...I think it's absolutely brilliant!
I would do it even if the wages didn't go higher, like in America for instance where the wages are incredibly low ($3.50/hr). The customer isn't going to say "no" and go home...they're going to stay and dig for more change because their already tipsy and want to continue their night.
But seriously, the main reason I prefer Australian bartending is the wages. They pay you an uncomfortable amount of money to do what we do and it only gets better on the weekends and holidays.
-Regular pay: $22/hr
-Gaming wages (if you handle money from the poker machines): $23.5/hr
-Saturdays: $28/hr
-Sundays: $35/hr
-Holidays: $50+/hr
You absolutely KILL IT over here.
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| Cheers, sincerely, your friendly neighborhood barkeep |
That's not even including tips! As I mentioned before, the change gets thrown into the cup because the customer doesn't want to deal with it.
It's not a lot mind you...but anywhere from $15-40 a night in tips from a country where tipping ISN'T customary is pretty damn good if you ask me.
It's how I paid for groceries during my time here, strictly on tips alone. That's how much I would make. You can't beat it.
There's no sponsorship for bartending because obviously anyone can do it but if there were I would definitely stay.
So as they say "Good on ya Australia, you're a legend!" in that department....now let's just tweak some of those other things we talked about....
"Shit people say to bartenders"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McMWRA4Tzw0
What's funny about this link...is it's true....
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