Halloween Costume Rules

Obviously having a terrible time here

Halloween is my absolute FAVORITE holiday.  I get excited about other holidays sure, but Halloween is on an entire different level.  

What’s not to like really?

There’s nothing but scary movies on television--both good and cheesy, there’s candy everywhere, you get to dress up as ANYTHING YOU WANT while consuming mass beverages of alcohol, and creativity is abounds whether it is measured in decorations or other people’s costumes, and then after all of that we still haven’t mentioned the best part of All Hallows Eve yet. 

This is the abundance of relentless and merciless EYE-candy!

It’s the only time of year that girls are showered with praise and admiration for dressing slutty instead of being shunned and judged.  Each one trying to out due the other and you (as a man) can just sit back and enjoy while no longer having to feel the least bit guilty about looking/staring because…well, they choose to wear that!

They have a mirror at their house, they looked in it before they left.  BELIEVE THAT!

It’s the easiest time of year to hook up PERIOD, for both guys and girls.  All that is needed is a 

Lots of group photos

creative costume, some tasty beverages and a camera.  It’s all about the pictures on Halloween, everyone loves them. 

Facebook gets mobbed with photos full of friends and complete strangers all with the hopes of seeing something really different and cool.  It’s the best conversation starter…

“Great outfit, can we take a picture?” –Cheesy guy pickup line

“Yeah sure!” – Unsuspecting female

“How’d you make it?”; “Where is the party?”; “Can I see inside that top?”; “Nooo, your ass isn’t hanging out of that at all…” (you know, the usual), blah blah blah.

Just making sure everything is in order down here

It’s just an absolutely fantastic holiday!  Not into it yet, you’re one of those types huh?  You should probably stop reading this then.

I enjoy making my own costumes.  There’s nothing worse than showing up to a party where someone else has on the same Austin Powers suit you just bought for $80.  It sucks.  So I go out of my way to avoid this at all costs. 

There are a few key elements to making your own costume to have a great and comfortable (very important) night.

1)      Cheaper is better
2)      No masks / very little makeup if necessary
3)      Little to none in the intangible department
4)      Authenticity is better
5)      Pick something no one else is going to do

Those are my rules, really simple to follow.  

Clark Kent & Vanilla Ice

I always manage to stay relatively cheap on the costumes and hardly ever go to costume shops.  They are too expensive and that’s where everybody else is too.  

Everything I do with my costumes are either borrowed, found, or from a thrift store.  

I try to keep my costumes below the $50 plateau and that’s pushing it…unless there is something I absolutely NEED for a costume I won’t spend that much money on it.

Of course, that plateau usually ends up in my being a whole lotta-naked...but that's never bad!  It's all about accessibility here people!

Don’t spend a lot of money on something you’re only going to wear that one night.  If you have several Halloween parties to attend then by all means splurge for that extra amenity.  If not, figure something else out or make it up. 

Wearing masks or having a lot of makeup on is a bad idea for a few reasons.  It’s Halloween, so wherever you go it’s going to be HOT (temperature wise and tempting too).  Plus, if going out to hook up is what you’re trying to do, no girl/guy wants to come away from making out with you smeared with multi-colored paint or lipstick.  There’s nothing worse than waking up to your bed covered in glitter…not that I would know or anything, um…let’s move on.

Ninja and Legends of Hidden Temple; Silver Snake...no masks, easy

Masks simply just get in the way and unless it’s the late night scramble for ass when the bar is closing, the opposite sex is going to want to see your face.  I'm still preaching accessibility on this, the sluttiest of all days!

Makeup runs, masks can cook your face and not to mention you’ll probably just end up carrying it anyway because you can’t drink with a mask on. 

This leads me to number 3 on the list which is the intangibles/accessory portion.  Same rule applies with the masks, you don’t want to carry around a lot of things. 

If you have a sword, you’re going to want a belt or a sheath to put it in because that’s where it’s going to be for most of the evening.  If it’s big then just pick some other costume all together because you’re either going to lose it or throw it down in frustration. 

It’s going to become a nuisance if you don’t have somewhere to put it. 

By “authentic” in number 4, I mean what can be done without a lot of work. 

Can you dye your hair instead of getting a wig?  Can you grow your facial hair out or cut it like whoever you’re going as? Can you commit to going to the gym so you don’t need fake muscle arms?

No?  Just me?  I may have a problem here (kidding…sorta). 

I’m a guy who has had a lot of different hairstyles and facial hair over the years.  I definitely plan my facial hair in October accordingly around Halloween.

 

Ice Ice Baby

This year, I kept a light beard so I could be “THOR”.  

A couple years ago I got a haircut and actually shaved my head to a high-top so I could go as “Vanilla Ice”.  A few years before that, I grew mutton chops to be “Johnny Bravo” (picture below). 

Which brings me to number 5 because all of those aforementioned costumes were original ideas of my own creation and I didn’t see one other person dressed as them. 

“THOR” not so much but I still count it because my costume was COMPLETELY homemade.  I didn’t buy that $80 Marvel suit with the fake arms…I did however, buy the real hammer though….and it’s f'n sweet!!!  I’m thinking about just carrying it around with me on my travels to freak people out. 

And NO, I didn’t just “break one of my own rules” because it’s a hammer that “I have to carry around”! 

It has a wrist guard so you can swing it/have it dangle and I made a belt as a backup holster.  

Sickness

You guys are jerks….

A few years ago when “The Dark Knight” came out, EVERYONE went as “The Joker" or before that when “The Hangover” came out and everyone went as Zack Galifinakis’ character with the beard and baby routine. 

It’s too predictable. 

Everyone just wanted to make their costume as authentic to the movie as possible even though they knew it was going to be a popular and they were going to be bumping into their mirror images throughout the night.  Authentic is good but that’s not what you’re looking for.

If you pick something unique, it sets you apart.  Which is sort of the purpose.

Small comb...easy accessory for "Johnny B"

No, everyone might not know who or what you are but it’s not about them.  Everyone didn’t know that I was “Johnny Bravo” but some people did and yelled out the appropriate obscenities. 

A lot of people didn’t realize I was “Vanilla Ice”, partly because they kept asking if I was “MC Hammer”….even though I am white and had “ICE” clearly imprinted on me….have I mentioned people are idiots?

It’s about the people who DO know who you are.  Those are the people you’re going to meet and hang out with.

It’s a filtering process, it’s completely douche-proof and on the off chance that you meet a “nerly” (nerdy girly) who can point out which video game you’re dressed as…well then, that’s just an extra snickers in your candy bag isn’t it?

To bring it all together so you can get an idea of what I'm talking about, I’ll format this year’s Halloween costume assembly. 

It started 2 years ago when I was sitting at a bar in Texas with some co-workers.  A friend mentioned that Halloween was coming and that I kind of reminded her of “THOR”.  My hair was getting longer and I want to say the movie had just came out or was coming out soon. 

AMERICOW

So that’s where it all started. I had never thought of it before, but it was perfect!

However, I couldn’t do anything “THOR”-esque for that particular Halloween because I moved to New Zealand randomly and they don’t do Halloween really big there so I had to settle for “Ameri-COW” at the last minute because of my lack of resources and supplies.

No, that's not a costume...yes, that is a pajama onesy I borrowed from a friend of a friend....the shame is thick here.  

Fast forward 15 months of travelling and I make it back to the United States (where we are the only country who does this holiday CORRECTLY).  I booked a ticket to Hawaii specifically for Halloween purposes (like there’s other stuff to do here or something…pft…wait).  

I had already been researching ideas for “THOR” and had completed most of it by the time I arrived.  

I didn’t want to buy the costume from Marvel.  It cost too much money, had fake arm muscles and the model looked really gay…I didn’t want to be “Gay Thor”.  So I decided to make a homemade version of the comic book “THOR”.   

I went to “Target” and “K-Mart” (K-mart is still really big in Australia) and bought a black shirt, black socks and black pajama pants ($20).  I already had the black shoes and I didn’t want to buy boots that I was only going to wear one night because I don't think guys should wear boots that high...EVER.  So I had to make that up on the fly which I’ll cover in a minute.

I chose pajama pants over regular pants because I knew it would be warm in Hawaii, so it's breezy and easily discarded.  It all comes back to accessibility (there's that word again!).  

Then for “THOR’s armor”, I borrowed various butter container tops and yogurt caps from my other hostel dwellers ($2, I had to buy one of them) and spray painted them chrome ($5).

“THOR’s cape” came from a friend’s girlfriend who worked at a costume shop (free).  It was a “Superman” cape of course, but once it was turned around and the edges pinned together in the back, the “S” was untraceable. 

Now all that was needed was a little Avenger assembly!  (Get it???)

Luckily I had already met an extremely sexy, cool, and talented lady (did I say sexy?) staying at my hostel who was very excited to help me in my cause and without her the costume probably wouldn’t have came out as great as it did. (Thank you SO MUCH Sophia, you ROCK!)

I was planning on pinning everything (cape included) to the t-shirt.  Total guy move…one part lazy, one part retarded.  

She didn’t like that (because it looked terrible obviously) so she sewed it all together for me.  It all worked out quite nicely, even nicer than I anticipated. 

Getting ready

I had to be authentic though.  Even if everything else was obviously homemade, so I bought “THOR’s Hammer” online ($15), which wouldn’t have cost so much if I didn’t have to get it shipped to my friend’s house in Hawaii.  It cost more to ship there than the actual hammer itself did. 

Then I bought yellow fabric from Wal-mart when I arrived in Hawaii ($6) and made cufflinks, a belt, and boot covers.  

All with some scissors, a stapler, and more safety pins I borrowed from the hostel.  The cufflinks were easily pinned together, the belt I stapled an emblem on the front and tied around my waist and I pinned the boot covers to my socks & black shoes. 

I already had the hair and the beard, so my mission was complete.  Here’s the finished results:

All for under $50, it was $48 but still.  Some things are just necessary.  “Thor’s Hammer” just happens to be one of those things. 

So that's how it's done.  Cheap and efficient.  Smart and ACCESSIBLE. Handsome and fit....wait...what were we talking about again?  

Hope everyone has a happy Halloween!  If not, check this list next year and get in touch with me.  I’m always having a good one!

Next issue: My Hawaii-lloween Adventure

Comin' to a Waikiki near you