Mini Maui Moments Vol.1

Ratatouille terrorizes Lahaina

Here’s the first volume of a collection of random happenings from my time in Maui that had absolutely no business being anywhere else. 

They go together but they don’t.  They weren’t important enough to include in any other article but I thought they were funny enough that they still had to be told in some forum.

I guess I’ll start with the “Super Rat”.

-Ratatouille (the name we gave him) - is an insanely powerful and resourceful rat that lives in Jackie’s house.  He’s too smart to be caught and too strong to be killed.  He is the ultimate vermin. 

On my first night at Jackie’s house, all of her roommates were hanging out in the kitchen.  They were having some tea and just chatting about their days so Jackie and I unloaded the car from our camping trip and joined them (see…the stories connect…sort of).

So as we’re standing around getting to know each other, there’s a loud yelp included with an electrical noise that comes from the back of the refrigerator.  I’m not the first to hear it, we all did, I am however the first to see the fridge shaking convulsively. 

I make a light mention of this to the people who actually live here because I don’t know if this is a regular occurrence for them or not…turns out that it is not.  Good sign.

"Not the mama!"

And it shouldn’t be.  That damn refrigerator was shaking like it belonged on an old episode of “Dinosaurs”.  

For those that don't know about "Dinosaurs", shame on you.  It was a Jim Henson driven program in the 90’s about muppet/animatronic dinosaurs living like everyday humans.  Think “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” type muppet costumes, except they were “Dinosaurs”.

Anyways, they had a fridge in the kitchen that was full of live creatures and the fridge used to shake from time to time, especially when they opened it because well…they were...alive.

So with that being sad, you can imagine why it was big deal that this fridge was shaking in the kitchen.  Not that "normal" shaking fridges aren't something to pay attention to...but still.

Between the way it was shaking, the noise, and the electrical shock that was heard, I've determined that Ratatouille is a beast.  But we don’t know him as Ratatouille yet…we just think there may be a dead mouse behind the fridge.  The guys and I decide to retrieve/catch/kill this critter before he does any more damage. 

The key here: isolation. 

I tell them we need to isolate the rat before he makes a dash back to his safe zone (in this case, the kitchen cupboards).  Henori grabs the broom, Michael goes over to pull out the stove (which is beside the fridge) to trap him behind the fridge.  Nate promptly grabs an empty plastic container of what used to be rotting spinach….

Wait…what is that?

We all decide that Nate’s weapon is the most feasible device because it literally smells sooo bad that if we put the rat in there…he will in fact die the cruelest and yet, cleanest way possible.

Michael pulls out the stove.  Nothing happens.  This is where we went wrong, we let our guard down.  

We figure, okay, he must be dead, let’s move the fridge and grab him so he doesn’t start to stink.  We pull the fridge out a little bit and that's when Ratatouille did his best Barry Sanders impression.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TflnHlQMt8

Ratatouille is dashing all over the place, Nate comes nowhere near him with the spinach container but the rest of us are on our way to passing out, so if clearing the kitchen was the plan, Nate was successful.  Henori then makes contact and smashes the super-rat with the broom, I mean actual contact with the rat.…the broom breaks into 2 pieces and Ratatouille scampers back behind the cabinets…he’s elusive.

We examine the broom stick.  Henori is very confused by what just happened.  “I hit him”, he proclaims.  We all know.  We saw it.  We just don’t believe it.

Ratatouille retires.  For the evening.  Fast forward 2 days. 

Jackie is having a friend over for dinner.  We made stir fry (she made stir fry and I ate it, so that was my contribution, I didn't actually MAKE anything I just like to be included), it’s just the three of us in the house.  

I let them have their catch up time and girl talk sitting at the bar in the kitchen.  I went and placed myself on the computer in the living room in plain view of them both. 

We’re all sitting around minding our own business basically.  When we hear a snap…I look over and a black substance (substance…FUR)…is propelling from the roof at an incredible speed.  It’s over in two seconds.

Thump.  Cue the girls high pitched screams…white girl's with their knees high running in one place and their arms fluttering like wings has to be the best "defense" ever for something startling right???

We see another head up in the hole in the roof, the girls freak out and we go into Jackie’s bedroom before we can all come to terms with what has just happened. 

They think it’s an even bigger rat up on the roof.  Logic sets in and I decide that it had to be one of the cats chasing around “super rat”.

The cat must have been chasing him and “super rat” ran onto the screen in the sky window.  He’s a fat one so he fell through, or, he strategically placed himself there and carefully lowered himself down from danger like Tom Cruise in “Mission Impossible”.  The verdict is still out on this one.

It literally came within 6 inches of being either on Jackie’s head or down her dress…so I can understand the freak out.  It was good two story drop, at least 20 feet. 

Ratatouille.  Nowhere to be found.  Gone.  Only thing left in the sky window was the disgruntled face of the hungry kitty cat.  He’s a badass I tell you.   I woke up the next day and he had gotten into my bread…after a fall like that, I can only imagine.  He worked up quite the appetite escaping cats from the night before.  

The bites out of these pieces of bread were the size of a small toddler…multiple pieces, five.  All in the same spot too, like he bit straight through five pieces.  It's like in "Anchorman" when Baxter eats the entire wheel of cheese, Ron responds, "How'd you do that?  I'm not even mad, that's amazing."  

That's kind of how I felt.  He runs the house now,  he’s a monster.

Okay, probably NOT what he looks like...but you can imagine

B.O.B. Pt.2 - "Tenacious" Gary and the "Prick of Destiny"

Best of Billabong Series, Pt. 2

(some of the names have been changed to protect the guilty, some of them haven’t been changed at all…because…well, it’s just funnier that way)

The following is a collection of mini-stories from my time in the hostel in Sydney that I find humorous.  I will be posting a few short stories sporadically throughout the rest of my time with this travel blog.  They are just meant as fun anecdotes, mostly dealing with others misfortune, instead of the long detailed (and entertaining dammit!) stories that I usually produce about myself.  

These are by no means the BEST things or stories that EVER happened under the roof of the Billabong, they are just some stories that were appropriate enough for print that I happened to be around for.

If you know anything about "Tenacious D" then you'll understand the title of my next Gary "The LEGEND" Dolan story.  For those who don't follow my blog much, I have a previous story about Gary you may be interested in, here's the link: http://thatlowdown.blogspot.com/2012/11/best-of-billabong-pt1-one-where-rachel.html

Applicably changed from their self-titled movie, "Pick of Destiny" to "Prick of Destiny" because I'm super creative and they sometimes use "prick" as a synonym for "dick" in Australia.

So this is a story about Gary's penis.  Again.  Minus the urine.  Well, there could have been urine but I didn't actual see the following events take place.  Just for funsies, let's do this like an episode of "24".

(On a side note: Could there be a DUMBER premise for a TV show???  Seriously.  Your day CANNOT BE THAT BAD.  From the moment Jack Bauer wakes up to the moment that I assume he sleeps (even though there are no episodes about that little ditty), he literally flies all over the world, stopping bombs, saving presidents, rescuing kidnapped children, etc.  Whatever.  It's crap.  

The show is supposed to be in real time right?  So you're telling me that an entire season of "24" is one week or day of this mans unfortunate life?  Oh, and by the way...there's NO WAY that he would be able to get to all of those places in time to do all of those things...there's not enough time in the day Jack, it takes time to fly places...time that you NEVER seem to have a lot of...impossible.

I apologize to all "24" enthusiasts about my rant...because I have in fact never watched an episode.  Not one.  I heard the premise of it long ago and decided that I would never be able to get through an episode and would most likely rip it to shreds if I ever saw it, it could be entertaining and maybe Jack Bauer is a bad-ass but it's the principle of the whole thing...actually, I don't apologize, that show is stupid.)

Anyways,  instead of having Jack Bauer flying around the place and solve 47 crimes in "one day"....this takes place in ACTUAL REAL TIME and Gary Dolan (who is a bad-ass) probably barely remembers any of it... 

The following event takes place between the hours of 2:00-3:00AM
(be-beep)
(be-beep)
(be-beep)

Blue towel, is my bunk on top...
Gary, is seen posted up in his cave of ill-repute

I'm laying down in Room #5, a girl named Lori and I are watching a movie in my bed.  Everyone else is present and asleep.  Except for Mr. Dolan.  It was another one of his infamous nights off that he took full advantage of and no one had seen him all day.

If you know anything about hostel-movie-computer watching...the movies are on your laptop and unless you have a splitting device with two sets of headphones, you're generally sharing one each...semi-important fact.

It's important because while you hear the movie, you also have an ear to the room, so you can hear everything going on.  Whether you want to or not.

The door bursts open and Gary stumbles in, making a mockery of the term silence.  The trash can gets tipped over and Gary laughs with all the Irish glee he can muster.  I look over at him and notice a girl has since followed him into the room.  I look at Lori, she sighs, we attempt to pay no attention to them and put our focus back on the movie...we know what's coming...or...who's about to be cumming at least...

Gary and our random contestant of love have fumbled around towards finally finding Gary's bed and he puts up a sheet so they can have some "privacy".  Which is a nonexistent piece of 6-person hostel dorm.  The sheet of delight for Gary and his mistress...the sheet of despair for the rest of the room.

I give a quick look over to Joe "Sad Clown" Taylor who sleeps atop Gary's bunk.  He is awake and casually reading a book.  He looks back at me, smiles and shakes his head...attempting to pretend that the book was interesting enough to ignore what was about to happen beneath him.

It started out slowly.  There was some light smacking/kissing noises, a couple of moans and very little disturbance.

Then....it was ON LIKE DONKEY KONG baby!

At some point during the light kissing and gentle fondling, they stopped caring that people were in the room completely...it was night and day...she was moaning MUCH louder, dirty talk was floating about ever so often, there was even a little ass-spanking action and the bed was squeaking...and shaking fairly violently.  Gary....was gettin' it in...and doing a damn fine job it seemed.

Lori and I are giggling because we are in a direct view of Joe on top of this...poor Joe...sitting on top of his bed, minding his own business when the "Irish Earthquake" hit...he didn't know what to do.

Not the same time...but a similar reaction face

I'll never forget the look on his face as he sat up and put his arms up in defeat.  As if to say, "Where do I go from here?"  He had given up hope on the book and with good reason, he couldn't even hold the thing straight anymore...there was nothing he could do.

The mystery girl wasn't the only one at Gary's mercy on this night.

Joe was shaking his head and mouthing the words, "What do I do?".  He later disclosed to me his train-of-thought on the matter and what he was confused about.

He told me that he wasn't sure if he should get down from the bed and go outside, or maybe just get off the bed all together until they finished, or just sit there and ride it out.  He chose to ride it out.  He's a team player.

Everyone is obviously awake at this point.  I can clearly see Phil and Joe on top.  Biman and Rachel have yet to say anything but it's too loud to go unnoticed.

What happened next though, no one could have predicted.  I actually thought that I might bust a blood vessel from laughter.

In no way am I giving this justice on the matter because you would have had to been there to understand the timing...the timing was what brought it all together.  It was impeccable.  It was like a movie orchestra for the climax.

AS SOON AS THEY WERE FINISHED...I mean, the exact SECOND that the bed stopped and it was over....

The room didn't even have a chance to go silent because all you could hear is, "I wanna fuck you....softly....I'm gonna screw you gently....I'm gonna hump you, sweetly...I'm gonna ball you discreetly!"

Biman had queued up his computer to play Tenacious D's "F*** her gently" song as SOON as it was over!  It was classic!

I keep getting slapped by Lori because she's still trying to be discrete on the matter but I can't contain myself I'm laughing so hard that I almost fell off the top bunk.  Everyone is in on it now, having a laugh...even Gary stuck his head out from his sheet of delight to survey the room...he quickly rescinded back in though, possibly to console the embarrassed naked girl in his bed.

Biman allowed the whole song to play though and as good roommates tend to do in these delicate situations...after the ballad was over...like any good show, we gave Gary and his mystery lady a long, well-deserved, slow clap.

"Way to go Gary!", we exclaimed.  "Way to be, you're a champion".

The following event takes place between the hours of 3:00-4:00AM
(be-beep)
(be-beep)
(be-beep)

Things calmed down after that.  I finally stopped crying from laughter and everyone went back to bed. Lori and I finished the movie, during a less vigorous but definitive round two performance.  Which made Lori and I decided to take our leave back to her room...so we could avoid any possible round threes to be had.

We grabbed a bite to eat in the kitchen and happened to catch good ol' Gary having his post-celebratory-coitus cigarette in the hall.  He was still quite drunk and not in the best of moods about Biman's symphony.

I'm not sure if Gary ever actually, "Got him back" as he claimed he would.  I am unaware of any other round threes or any continued fraternization with the girl.  We never saw her.  The next morning, she left...in a hurry.  I saw the top of her head as she was scooting out the door.

What I do know is that is something that neither one of them will forget, and even if they really wanted to, especially Gary; and thanks to this blog, no one else will either.

You "Shark Pit", Me "Vana"

"Downtown" Lahaina

Jackie lives in the west side of Maui in a small town named Lahanai.  Front Street is the main road in the town, a 2 minute walk to the downtown area (if you can call it that) and an even shorter trip to the beach (right across the road).  I’d have to say it seems as if she’s hit the jackpot in location.

I woke up early Saturday morning to go for a run.  As I like to do when I’m in a new area and get acclimated to my surroundings.  Not as early as Jackie though, she’s a bit of an early bird.  Jackie and her boyfriend wanted to go surfing on the north shore.

I wasn't too interested in that prospect for a few reasons.  I hadn't gotten very good sleep in the past 2 nights because of Halloween and camping out (which wasn't bad but when that sun comes up you’re like an egg, boiling in your own tent).  So I wanted to get a good nights rest under a roof, on a reasonably comfortable surface (her couch).

I ran around the town and checked everything out.  It’s more of a village really.  I’m beginning to think that Maui is more for couples on retreat and honeymooners with the clientele that I kept passing.  Which is cool, couples are people too I guess....  

I tried to make it back around lunchtime to meet Jackie for lunch but she wasn't back yet.  So I grabbed my towel and my book and went straight to the beach.  Right in front of Jackie’s house is the most quite spot I've ever seen on a plateau including sand and water.  Nobody goes there.  I was laying out for at least two or three hours with maybe three other people stretched along the sand.  The same three or four people everyday.  It's like some sort of secret cove for the locals.  

There were possibly 20 people walking at different times all together and that was mainly dog walkers.  It was really peaceful and nice. 

I stayed for a little bit, working on my boss tanline and it just so happened that I ran into Jackie on the path back to her house, she was coming to find me and also to check the waves.  If I had to guess, more the latter than the former, you know how those surfers are about their waves.

She decided the waves were good enough to give it a go, so we went back and grabbed the long-boards.

I can only surf on long-boards, as my past surfing adventures have described.  So I was excited to get out there.  FINALLY something I would succeed at!  I've only had short-boards and devastation (because of all the falling) available to me in the past few months, so it was nice to have a chance to finally do some proper surfing.

TANLINE!

Then I started talking to Jackie.  She began to give me the tips and tricks of surfing out in front of her house, affectionately named the “Shark Pit”.  Great….

That’s where every surfer in his beginning stages of expertise wants to be right?  The f’n "Shark Pit"…

She also asks me how I feel about surfing in shallow water over coral.

You want me to do what with who?

I know people surf over coral, from what I understand those are some of the best spots to do it.  But shallow water…over coral?  In a habitat sanctuary for sharks?  Why?  Why would you want to do that?  Ever?

I had every chance to back out of it, so I can’t exactly blame Jackie (although I like to try).  She was just too excited to notice that I wasn’t really comfortable with the situation.  She really loves surfing out there and I didn’t want to let her down, so I went anyways, against my better judgement...like I ALWAYS do.

She did ask me how I felt about surfing out there, I told her that it was “questionable”, when what I should have said was…”absolutely not, no way, no how!” to quote a certain guardsman in the land of OZ.

I heard “questionable” as…”maybe this is a bad idea and you should take me to a place without shallow coral”….Jackie heard “questionable” as, “Yea let’s go!”.

We were obviously not on the same page.  She started telling me about all the things you HAVE TO DO to stay safe surfing in “Shark Pit”.  All I’m thinking is, “Dude, I’ve stood up on a board like 8 times…PERIOD.  This is going to suck."

And it did.  It SOOOOO did. 

Paddling out was easy enough, until we got to the pit itself and since the water in Hawaii is clear to the bottom I could see absolutely everything that had a chance of ending me in that water.  

I'm grown accustomed to my skin and my bones for that matter...I generally like to keep them as is, intact and away from areas such as these.  There was nowhere to go, no safe zones.  All the things Jackie told me to do immediately became obsolete because I decided she was just full of shit.

But I already came out, so I figured as long as I got up, it couldn’t be too bad.  I just couldn’t fall.  Easy enough right?

Yet another thing you don’t want to consider when just starting out.  I’ve been surfing in different countries true, the total of those surfing expeditions: 5; 

successful surfing expeditions (as in, times I’ve went out and stood up and had a decent time instead of the waves just kicking my head in): 2.  

Stats aren’t looking too good for me in the ol’”Shark Pit”.

I was screwed…and I knew it too but it was like a moth to a flame and too late to put my tail between my legs. 

I finally decided to just try it.  I got a wave and stood up.  I’m really excited about this because I don’t think I’ve ever stood up on my very first try but that excitement immediately rots into fear and panic because as I’m looking at water, as I noticed before, there was NOWHERE to go. 

There was nowhere to get off the board and be safe, it was ALL coral reef.  I panicked and jumped off into a spot that I thought looked deeper than the others.  What I found out at the bottom was the reason it looked deeper was because it was inhabited by a bunch of black Sea Urchins.

So that's how I got Vana.  Which is Hawaiian Sea Urchin’s semi-poisonous spikes that get lodged in your foot like little shards of glass.  

It's like Poseidon decided to be "Jigsaw" from the "Saw" movies came to me in the water and said in that creepy voice, "Hello Adam, I want to play a game".  

My choices were as follows: jump off the board and get struck in the foot, jump off the board and crack your head open, or jump off the board and break an appendage.

I think I chose the lesser of the three evils, doesn't make Jigsaw any less of a jerk.

I was getting tossed around by the rest of the set of waves, with nowhere to go…AGAIN. All I can think about is how bad this sucks and how mad I am at myself because I knew it was going to suck and I still did it.  I never follow my gut feeling on these things and I always get burned…or stung…or pinched…or something dumb that I could have easily avoided, like f***** Vana!

The worst part was that I went in too far (which was also another one of Jackie's precarious warnings).  So then I got stuck on the reef.  Literally stuck because I was trying to paddle out of the way to safety (out of the water really) and the board kept getting marooned on top of the coral and then wave after wave kept to coming to finish me off. 

I finally made my way out of it.  Luckily there weren't any other surfers around because it could have been even worse...for them, I felt like a fat seal on my way to a shark's mouth.  I probably looked like a fat seal at least...thrashing about on top of my board desperately trying to get off the coral reef.  I then proceeded to find the channel of calm water and pick out the spikes (8-12) sticking out of my right foot. 

Honolua Bay, NOT where I was surfing

I went to talk to Jackie and I told her I was done.  After one wave, wooohoooo, Kelly Slater eat your heart out!

I left her to grab some more waves and I went to the beach to check out my newest foot injury.  Over half the days I’ve been in Hawaii something bad or painful has happened to my feet....Jackie Dressler is responsible for two of those injuries (as I like to affectionately remind her).

She told me that I should move here and get a job so I think she is secretly sabotaging my vacation.  I mean, between the hiking barefoot and stabbing me with coral, she’s a crafty lass!  

Surfers lined up from all over for Honolua

If I can’t walk, I can’t leave so I have to stay right?  I think that’s her plan, but I’m on to her!!!

I hobbled my way back to her house which as I stated earlier is not very far, so I considered that lucky.  All of the spikes were located in my toes, all of the toes of my right foot but at least it wasn’t the bottom of the foot. 

It's not a constant pain, only every time you step on it...aka walk...so it can be constant because I've heard that walking is occasionally important.  I could at least manage if I held my toes up.

We got back and told her roommates what happened.  I immediately grabbed a glass and start drinking whiskey because somewhere in my man DNA my brain registered that is the protocol when dealing with an injury.

Or maybe I’ve seen too many westerns and war movies.  All I know is, you drink whiskey, things get better, or at least, more numb which in my book translates to better.

While having a drink on the porch with the roommates and making plans for the evening, one of Jackie’s roommate’s friends stopped by.  He too, was named Adam and had been living there for a long time.  He explained everything to me a little better so I knew what I was dealing with.  As most "Adam's" as I'm sure you know, are geniuses.

I had never heard of Vana, so I was obviously concerned with my foot for the near and foreseeable future.  Not that I thought it was going to that serious to the point of amputation or something but I was worried about being able to walk around comfortably and go running in the near future.

Adam turned out to be a medicine man of sorts.  He hopped on his bike and went back to his house and grabbed me a mixture of vinegar's that were a good remedy to soak the Vana in.  He told me I should have peed on it, but A) I didn’t have to pee when it happened and B) the idea of peeing on the bottom of my foot from the top of a surf board seemed a bit silly...and borderline impossible.

The idea of the vinegar is it is supposed to break up and dissolve the urchin shards it into my bloodstream quicker (sounds like a fun picnic, doesn't it?).  He also gave me a dry form of Neosporin that I have forgotten the name of, so that I could heal the other wounds on my foot.  He had other herbal remedy goodies too, but I didn’t BUY any of them…

Staff infection is also big in Hawaii, Adam knew it all really (I think that name brings certain amount of wisdom to the world).  He even knew that the holes on the side of my feet were from brand new Rainbows without me even saying a word.  He has been living the beach life well, I thanked him for his help and his council.  He was the best "doctor" I dealt with on Maui...and I actually had to go to the hospital and deal with "actual doctors" one night (story to come, Manic Maui Moment).  

That cut out a good portion of my planned activities for the next few days until my foot got a chance to heal.  So it’s a good thing that I had my whiskey on standby! (It usually is)

It kept me out of action for about a week.  Then I got a chance to get back out there.  Not at "Shark Pit" but at another spot called "Break Wall" (guess what they have there?...a rock wall of course that can also be hazardous...).

I was still a little hesitant but I really want to get better at surfing so I had to go.  On the way out Jackie was giving me more tips about the "Break Wall".  On this trip in the late afternoon, I had no problems what so ever....for ONCE!

Nasty Nate & I, whale watching

I surfed a few waves and didn't get my ass kicked at all!  It was great.  I figured out the key to surfing with the coral that day.  I had seen others do it but I didn't believe I had the balance to succeed in such a feat.  The key is to get up on the board, ride a little on the wave, and then lay back down on the board...don't jump off or ride in too far.  Just ride enough to have some fun and then casually lay back down the way you got up and cruise off of the wave before you get too far in.


I was able to do this thanks to the paddle board lessons I received from Jackie's roommate Nate a few days before.  It really helped me with my balance on the water, so things came naturally and I can't wait to get back out there again....preferably with as little Vana as humanly possible but at least I know what to do now.

The "Road To Hana"

Road to Hana

I flew into Maui on a Thursday morning.  The same Thursday morning AFTER Hawaii-lloween, so needless to say I was NOT feeling too festive or fresh, more feisty.

 

I was still very excited for the new beginning however.  My friend Jackie was coming to pick me up from the airport and she had informed me via Facebook that we were going “on an adventure” first thing off the plane.  She didn’t specify, I didn’t ask.

I’ve known Jackie for a while now, partly because I’m old and say things like “I’ve known them for awhile”, without every getting into too much detail.  Also, she's another Coastal Carolina University alum, like my buddy Geoff (yes, it's possible to graduate from there) and we too have a lot of close mutual friends.  She now works as a massage therapist on the island of Lanai and lives in Lahanai, Maui the rest of the week. 

Jackie & I

Once I arrived at the airport, Jackie was nowhere to be found.  I didn’t panic but I did start contemplating backup plans because I had no idea where she even lives.  We were both very vague in our messages and all I knew was that she was coming to get me and there would be an adventure to be had.  Vague like, "I'll come get you, what time?"..."I'll be there at noon, come find me".  Stuff like that.

I wasn't waiting too long before I saw her though.  We embraced and had a little chat to catch up, but we had places to go.  She informed me that we were going camping.  I’m torn between excited and hungover (which would be a state of NOT wanting to go camping)…but I decided that finding Jackie's couch should NOT be my first move in Maui so I changed my tune and adopted the idea immediately.

I get to the car and it is absolutely packed full of stuff and people.  Two of Jackie’s friends are going with us, J.R. and Katrina.  Katrina used to be Jackie’s roommate when she lived in San Diego.  Some (more old) friends and I went out to visit Jackie when she lived there so I already knew Katrina, J.R. was her boyfriend.

They had already been there for a week and were flying out the next evening.  So to make less trips back to Lahaina, they already packed all of their bags and put them in Jackie’s car along with all the camping equipment.  This is before we had even gotten any alcohol, ice, food, or charcoal. So things were a bit tight.  

Exploring the lava rock formations...barefoot of course

When we got everything else we needed, Jackie made mention that maybe the boys should take over the packing duties, since "for some reason boys always know how to make things fit in tight places" (hello, hello, hello!).  Jackie is always good for a regular comment that I like to make inappropriate and her mildly uncomfortable.

Little did Jackie know, I had already been planning the pack in my head since I got into the car at the airport.  I told her it seemed that way for guys because of our countless boy hours spent playing Tetris.  That game made us the way we are and that we would have that car packed and ready to go in no time.

Naturally this leads to great success, J.R. and I had the car packed with room to spare (enough room to fit a bamboo stick Jackie! I’ll tell you that much!; but that'll come later...).

My guide

(Editor’s note: This bitter rant about a stick in the car will make perfect sense towards the end)

So space was still very tight to say the least and the drive we were making is over 2 hours, not the most comfortable of trips but the scenery more than made up for the lack of space.)

The “Road to Hana” is a must do for all people travelling to Maui from what I was told.  So I consider myself lucky that got to be my first Maui experience.  It’s an absolutely gorgeous drive from start to finish with plenty of lookout points, trails, and waterfalls to see along the way. 

The trip could be stretched over a day or a period of days if you wanted to.  Depending on the stops and activities you choose to participate in.  There are lots of camp grounds and the rule of sleeping on the beach in Hawaii is, if there is a fishing pole in the water, you can sleep on the beach anywhere you like.  Which I'm sure the Hobo's United League would appreciate because the weather too, is perfect.  Pretty easy going being homeless in Hawaii I guess, beach naps and coconuts, sign me up I say!

We didn’t make any stops the first day however.  We were trying to get out to Haleakalea National Park before dark so we could set up camp and cook some food.  The plan was to do all the fun stuff on the way back the next day.

"Seven Sacred Pools"

So that’s what happened.  We did a little exploring around the campsite when we first got there, made camp, had a few drinks and cooked some food.  

Okay, J.R. and I cooked some food, I don't know what the girls were eating...they are vegetarian so they ate some sort of tofu sausage things that looked like dog poop...it was gross.  We then all got to bed early, everyone was still feeling the effects from Hawaii-lloween.  We were also planning on starting the day around sunrise so we could see a bunch of great sights.

We started our morning with a dip in the “Seven Sacred Pools”, which is located conveniently in the park we were staying in.  The tide was low but not low enough that we couldn't swim.  So we jumped in two of the seven pools and paddled around for a bit. 

Didn't buy these;
Just thought they were funny

I should make a mention now that I had no shoes.  This information becomes important later.  The reason I had no shoes, is not that I didn’t have any shoes at all, it’s because I had no appropriate shoes for this trip.  

My sandals had broken the day before I flew to Hawaii so I had to go buy a new pair.  I bought a new pair of Rainbows from an evil Polynesian lady in Oahu. 

She’s evil because the sandals tore chunks out of both my feet.  Literally.  Not cuts, not slices, but chunks of flesh from my foot.

Chunks of flesh

I am aware that this is general protocol for new Rainbows but she talked me into getting a “Large” instead of an “Extra Large”, which is what I always wore before I met this evil temptress and they were always fine.  I don’t know why I listened; I have never had any luck with purchases from Asians. 

We were getting in and out of the car and going through different terrains at each stop (cave, gravel, rocks, sticks, forest, dirt, grass, water, to name a few).  So instead of having everyone waiting on me to tie up my trainer shoes every time we did something, I choose to go barefoot…because I’m a badass.  Which you probably already knew but I like to remind you.  

This also made me look like Tom Hanks from "Cast Away".  The hair, the beard, shirtless with no shoes and an inexplicable love for an inanimate object.  Tom's was "Wilson" the volleyball.  Mine was "Tony", my bamboo stick.  

Koko Beach

We also made our way through (or they did, I limped) the Waianapanapa Caves, Koko Beach, as well as Blacksand Beach. 

We body surfed on Koko for a little while and I was amazed how clear the water was.  You could see right through the waves.  It was amazing and if you caught the wave just right, you could ride all the way in. 

Blacksand Beach was also really cool but we didn’t stay there long.  It’s not really the type of beach to hang out on but I’ve never seen black sand before so it was also really great.

Blacksand Beach

We swam in the fresh water Waianapanapa caves, or at least one of the areas.  The other area was apparently a lot cooler but it’s smarter to go with a guide because it’s dark and you have to literally swim under the caves and find the air pockets to make your way to the other side.  

Cave jumping

Really dangerous, so we chose to go into the other side which was just really freezing cold!  It's a lot of fun to swim in and it's pretty deep but completely clear, so you can see down to the bottom.  

There’s no light that ever touches the water down there so I imagined it as swimming in the Artic like the people from Titanic, minus that whole, death, fear and nowhere to go portion of the swim of course.

Afterwards, we drove around some more (because that's what you have to do to get places) and stopped at a couple of the scenic views for pictures.  Jackie kept giving me a hard time about being barefoot.   She said she was trying to “toughen me up” and give me “summer Hawaii feet”.  So I told her to stop talking sh**, take hers off and come find the next waterfall with me. 

Falls go all the way up

Katrina and J.R. sat that one out because it wasn't as clear of a path as the last few had been.  We had to climb over a little water treatment shack and make our own way.  The path was hardly visible but Jackie and I fought our way through, a little rust roofed shack didn't scare us...said every kid that died in a horror movie in the 80's EVER.

I don’t think a lot of people knew where that trail was but you could clearly see the top of the waterfall from the road, that was good enough for us so we knew we had to go. 

It was completely worth it.  The falls were huge and beautiful, like most of them in Hawaii to be fair.  

I tried to climb up a little higher so I could be in between both of the falls but then ultimately decided that my bare feet didn't have enough traction in the mud to avoid slipping and falling onto the rocks below.  There just wasn't a lot of room for error, so we made our way back and hopped in the car.  

My defeated climb down

Well, as in all the humans hopped back in the car, Jackie’s phone chose not to make the trip.

We didn’t know it at the time obviously.  We didn’t find out until about 30 minutes later after we had stopped for lunch and was on our way to the “Bamboo Forest”.  It had fallen out of the car door but lucky for her, someone happened to pick it up on the side of the road.  We couldn’t have been more far apart from the good semaritans, they were heading in the opposite direction.

They were going all the way to the “Seven Sacred” and we weren’t about to backtrack because we were almost at the beginning of the road, but lucky for us J.R. had just enough service to make a plan to meet them at the pizza place “Flatbreads” in Paia after we dropped off Kat & J.R. at the airport. 

We continued on to our final stop.  The “Bamboo Forest”, which is one of the most intense trails I’ve been on, anywhere.  It really might not have been that crazy if I wouldn't have went barefoot again but I had heard a little about the trail and thought that since I had been doing it all day already and we were going to swim from some parts to others that I might as well (and…I’m a badass…).

The journey

(Editor’s note: Jackie put on her specific hiking sandals for this one, everyone else was in trainers.  Just sayin’....not a lot of sh** talkin' anymore...I silenced all of that!)

We were probably gone for an hour, it felt like an eternity.  One of Jackie’s local friends had shown her the way to the “secret falls” and there were several different trails to go on.  So luckily she knew the way (sort of).  I say "knew", what I mean is, walk a little this way, walk a little that way and then back.  Again, this is just ramblings of a bitter barefoot buffoon.  It was more barefoot walking then necessary...of course that could have been the summary of my day to that point as well.

We started out going through the forest of Bamboo (for name sake) and ended up at a river with low tide.  What does low tide mean?  Lots of rocks for Adam’s new "Hawaiian summer feet".  That’s what.

I did however find a really sweet bamboo walking stick (Tony!) at the end of the forest that I now look back and know was left there just for me.  I was going to need it, I just didn’t know how much.

I was by myself most of the trail.  Following footprints and hearing voices (not in my head) to find my way, it took me longer to make my way through the trail because of the fact that my feet did not agree with the terrain on several occasions.

It was like “Indiana Jones” meets “Tomb Raider” because when you’re barefoot, you have to find the right rock, your foot has to be placed on the right point.  You have to map your way through and use the walking stick to alleviate some of the force.  I was using the stick as a prop in some places, as a tester in others.  

In "The Last Crusade", if Indiana didn't choose the right spot, he fell to his death...this was similar to my journey in many ways that don't include death.  

But great pain was to be had if there was a poor choice!

Testing water levels, slickness, strength.  I felt like an actual woodsman or some kind of caveman.  Considering I was already half-naked, covered in mud, and sweating profusely.  I could have been, I was yelling like one at least.  It was great!

The trail just kept getting more interesting the further we went.  There were many spots on the journey which was "do this, or turn around" because there was no other way to the other side.  Very do or die...which I enjoyed.

There were three separate areas where there were ropes to climb.  Which you had a choice to either pull your way up to the next level or go home.  One even had a ladder, but it was again more difficult for me because I didn’t have any traction on the mud and slick rocks so a lot of it was upper body strength and of course, my bamboo stick.

Which I could have left and made it easier, but he had become a necessity for me.  We were on this trip together.  

The bamboo stick and I had become quite fond of each other and I began talking to him through my journey, I was determined not to leave him behind.  All of my friends had went ahead with their "awesome shoes", great luxuries on this day!  

He did try to get away from me a couple of times but that’s because he was a silly bamboo stick and didn’t know his place in our hierarchy just yet.

Again, I was alone most of the time so I needed some companionship for such an awesome adventure and I felt like he might know what I was going through.

There were also two other of my favorite occasions where we needed to jump off waterfalls to keep going.  This is where my bamboo buddy came in handy, for depth purposes.   It was so awesome, I had never done anything like this before. 

Maybe one or the other, but when your options are swim or go back, you swim, there’s no other way.

There’s no walking either, it’s too deep so there I was in the middle of a Hawaiian jungle doing the frog stroke with a bamboo stick in my mouth like a canine.  I wouldn’t have changed it for the world.  All I kept thinking was my next purchase would be a water-proof camera.  Oh yeah, that and try not to drown.  Also, I am fully aware that bamboo floats and it was unnecessary to have in my mouth while I swam, but I should point out that it was easier to swim and Tony kept trying to escape (maybe he didn't like me as much as I thought....Nah, that can't be true).

Unfortunately because of the intense terrains, I was unable to take my camera with me.  I need to get a waterproof one if I’m going to continue to be a great conquistador like this, I know that now.  This is one of the only pictures I got.>>>>>

Jackie wouldn’t let me bring the bamboo stick either!  I tried to convince her I could fit it in the car and she wasn’t having it, I think she was jealous of our newly formed bond.  He got me through some tough patches and I showed him the time of his life.

So we said our goodbyes on the road that day.  I left him there in plain view, so that maybe the next person in need of a guide can find him.  He will truly be missed the next time I go hiking but I go on knowing that somewhere out there is some unsuspecting tourist that needs more guidance than I do.

We made our way back to Paia and had dinner.  Then we took Kat & J.R. to the airport and said our goodbyes and we finally realized why the car was so slam packed.  Kat had about four bags and 13 miscellaneous items that they needed to re-pack before their flight.  It was all coming together. 

So now that we had some room in the car to breathe, we headed straight back to Paia to get Jackie’s phone.

The plan was to get the phone at the hostess stand but Jackie wanted to find the nice people who helped her and buy them a drink for their trouble but they had already left.  So we decided to have that drink for ourselves.

We grabbed some beers and sat down at the bar and just recapped the day.  We were just talking about nonsense, naturally; as I usually tend to do when I’m around other people, especially friends who can handle my sense of humor.

As we were about to leave, I looked over and close by where we were sitting was Owen Wilson.  He wasn’t at the bar with us but he was at the next table over.  He was in a black baseball cap having a chat with some random couple.

I’m not the type to get up-in-arms about celebrities so I just passed through and we went back to Jackie’s house.

Celebrities are people too and I feel like they don’t want to be bothered (I know I wouldn't, not all the time at least).  I treat them as I would want to be treated if I were a celebrity.  

I’ve never been too star struck around them, I don’t see the point in autographs and pictures are cool but like I said, to what purpose?

He was wearing a hat and obviously trying to hide his face a little.  He lives here in Maui apparently, it’s his turf and I’m not going to go butt-in on his conversation and ruin his dinner for one photo that I can show my friends.  That’s pretty rude in my book.

It was still a great first 2 day start in my trip to Maui.  Fun times, great tour guide and full of surprises, doesn’t get much better than that.  

Seven Sacred, leads into the ocean

Having a swim

Blacksand Beach

Raaawwwrrrr!