The "Road To Hana"

Road to Hana

I flew into Maui on a Thursday morning.  The same Thursday morning AFTER Hawaii-lloween, so needless to say I was NOT feeling too festive or fresh, more feisty.

 

I was still very excited for the new beginning however.  My friend Jackie was coming to pick me up from the airport and she had informed me via Facebook that we were going “on an adventure” first thing off the plane.  She didn’t specify, I didn’t ask.

I’ve known Jackie for a while now, partly because I’m old and say things like “I’ve known them for awhile”, without every getting into too much detail.  Also, she's another Coastal Carolina University alum, like my buddy Geoff (yes, it's possible to graduate from there) and we too have a lot of close mutual friends.  She now works as a massage therapist on the island of Lanai and lives in Lahanai, Maui the rest of the week. 

Jackie & I

Once I arrived at the airport, Jackie was nowhere to be found.  I didn’t panic but I did start contemplating backup plans because I had no idea where she even lives.  We were both very vague in our messages and all I knew was that she was coming to get me and there would be an adventure to be had.  Vague like, "I'll come get you, what time?"..."I'll be there at noon, come find me".  Stuff like that.

I wasn't waiting too long before I saw her though.  We embraced and had a little chat to catch up, but we had places to go.  She informed me that we were going camping.  I’m torn between excited and hungover (which would be a state of NOT wanting to go camping)…but I decided that finding Jackie's couch should NOT be my first move in Maui so I changed my tune and adopted the idea immediately.

I get to the car and it is absolutely packed full of stuff and people.  Two of Jackie’s friends are going with us, J.R. and Katrina.  Katrina used to be Jackie’s roommate when she lived in San Diego.  Some (more old) friends and I went out to visit Jackie when she lived there so I already knew Katrina, J.R. was her boyfriend.

They had already been there for a week and were flying out the next evening.  So to make less trips back to Lahaina, they already packed all of their bags and put them in Jackie’s car along with all the camping equipment.  This is before we had even gotten any alcohol, ice, food, or charcoal. So things were a bit tight.  

Exploring the lava rock formations...barefoot of course

When we got everything else we needed, Jackie made mention that maybe the boys should take over the packing duties, since "for some reason boys always know how to make things fit in tight places" (hello, hello, hello!).  Jackie is always good for a regular comment that I like to make inappropriate and her mildly uncomfortable.

Little did Jackie know, I had already been planning the pack in my head since I got into the car at the airport.  I told her it seemed that way for guys because of our countless boy hours spent playing Tetris.  That game made us the way we are and that we would have that car packed and ready to go in no time.

Naturally this leads to great success, J.R. and I had the car packed with room to spare (enough room to fit a bamboo stick Jackie! I’ll tell you that much!; but that'll come later...).

My guide

(Editor’s note: This bitter rant about a stick in the car will make perfect sense towards the end)

So space was still very tight to say the least and the drive we were making is over 2 hours, not the most comfortable of trips but the scenery more than made up for the lack of space.)

The “Road to Hana” is a must do for all people travelling to Maui from what I was told.  So I consider myself lucky that got to be my first Maui experience.  It’s an absolutely gorgeous drive from start to finish with plenty of lookout points, trails, and waterfalls to see along the way. 

The trip could be stretched over a day or a period of days if you wanted to.  Depending on the stops and activities you choose to participate in.  There are lots of camp grounds and the rule of sleeping on the beach in Hawaii is, if there is a fishing pole in the water, you can sleep on the beach anywhere you like.  Which I'm sure the Hobo's United League would appreciate because the weather too, is perfect.  Pretty easy going being homeless in Hawaii I guess, beach naps and coconuts, sign me up I say!

We didn’t make any stops the first day however.  We were trying to get out to Haleakalea National Park before dark so we could set up camp and cook some food.  The plan was to do all the fun stuff on the way back the next day.

"Seven Sacred Pools"

So that’s what happened.  We did a little exploring around the campsite when we first got there, made camp, had a few drinks and cooked some food.  

Okay, J.R. and I cooked some food, I don't know what the girls were eating...they are vegetarian so they ate some sort of tofu sausage things that looked like dog poop...it was gross.  We then all got to bed early, everyone was still feeling the effects from Hawaii-lloween.  We were also planning on starting the day around sunrise so we could see a bunch of great sights.

We started our morning with a dip in the “Seven Sacred Pools”, which is located conveniently in the park we were staying in.  The tide was low but not low enough that we couldn't swim.  So we jumped in two of the seven pools and paddled around for a bit. 

Didn't buy these;
Just thought they were funny

I should make a mention now that I had no shoes.  This information becomes important later.  The reason I had no shoes, is not that I didn’t have any shoes at all, it’s because I had no appropriate shoes for this trip.  

My sandals had broken the day before I flew to Hawaii so I had to go buy a new pair.  I bought a new pair of Rainbows from an evil Polynesian lady in Oahu. 

She’s evil because the sandals tore chunks out of both my feet.  Literally.  Not cuts, not slices, but chunks of flesh from my foot.

Chunks of flesh

I am aware that this is general protocol for new Rainbows but she talked me into getting a “Large” instead of an “Extra Large”, which is what I always wore before I met this evil temptress and they were always fine.  I don’t know why I listened; I have never had any luck with purchases from Asians. 

We were getting in and out of the car and going through different terrains at each stop (cave, gravel, rocks, sticks, forest, dirt, grass, water, to name a few).  So instead of having everyone waiting on me to tie up my trainer shoes every time we did something, I choose to go barefoot…because I’m a badass.  Which you probably already knew but I like to remind you.  

This also made me look like Tom Hanks from "Cast Away".  The hair, the beard, shirtless with no shoes and an inexplicable love for an inanimate object.  Tom's was "Wilson" the volleyball.  Mine was "Tony", my bamboo stick.  

Koko Beach

We also made our way through (or they did, I limped) the Waianapanapa Caves, Koko Beach, as well as Blacksand Beach. 

We body surfed on Koko for a little while and I was amazed how clear the water was.  You could see right through the waves.  It was amazing and if you caught the wave just right, you could ride all the way in. 

Blacksand Beach was also really cool but we didn’t stay there long.  It’s not really the type of beach to hang out on but I’ve never seen black sand before so it was also really great.

Blacksand Beach

We swam in the fresh water Waianapanapa caves, or at least one of the areas.  The other area was apparently a lot cooler but it’s smarter to go with a guide because it’s dark and you have to literally swim under the caves and find the air pockets to make your way to the other side.  

Cave jumping

Really dangerous, so we chose to go into the other side which was just really freezing cold!  It's a lot of fun to swim in and it's pretty deep but completely clear, so you can see down to the bottom.  

There’s no light that ever touches the water down there so I imagined it as swimming in the Artic like the people from Titanic, minus that whole, death, fear and nowhere to go portion of the swim of course.

Afterwards, we drove around some more (because that's what you have to do to get places) and stopped at a couple of the scenic views for pictures.  Jackie kept giving me a hard time about being barefoot.   She said she was trying to “toughen me up” and give me “summer Hawaii feet”.  So I told her to stop talking sh**, take hers off and come find the next waterfall with me. 

Falls go all the way up

Katrina and J.R. sat that one out because it wasn't as clear of a path as the last few had been.  We had to climb over a little water treatment shack and make our own way.  The path was hardly visible but Jackie and I fought our way through, a little rust roofed shack didn't scare us...said every kid that died in a horror movie in the 80's EVER.

I don’t think a lot of people knew where that trail was but you could clearly see the top of the waterfall from the road, that was good enough for us so we knew we had to go. 

It was completely worth it.  The falls were huge and beautiful, like most of them in Hawaii to be fair.  

I tried to climb up a little higher so I could be in between both of the falls but then ultimately decided that my bare feet didn't have enough traction in the mud to avoid slipping and falling onto the rocks below.  There just wasn't a lot of room for error, so we made our way back and hopped in the car.  

My defeated climb down

Well, as in all the humans hopped back in the car, Jackie’s phone chose not to make the trip.

We didn’t know it at the time obviously.  We didn’t find out until about 30 minutes later after we had stopped for lunch and was on our way to the “Bamboo Forest”.  It had fallen out of the car door but lucky for her, someone happened to pick it up on the side of the road.  We couldn’t have been more far apart from the good semaritans, they were heading in the opposite direction.

They were going all the way to the “Seven Sacred” and we weren’t about to backtrack because we were almost at the beginning of the road, but lucky for us J.R. had just enough service to make a plan to meet them at the pizza place “Flatbreads” in Paia after we dropped off Kat & J.R. at the airport. 

We continued on to our final stop.  The “Bamboo Forest”, which is one of the most intense trails I’ve been on, anywhere.  It really might not have been that crazy if I wouldn't have went barefoot again but I had heard a little about the trail and thought that since I had been doing it all day already and we were going to swim from some parts to others that I might as well (and…I’m a badass…).

The journey

(Editor’s note: Jackie put on her specific hiking sandals for this one, everyone else was in trainers.  Just sayin’....not a lot of sh** talkin' anymore...I silenced all of that!)

We were probably gone for an hour, it felt like an eternity.  One of Jackie’s local friends had shown her the way to the “secret falls” and there were several different trails to go on.  So luckily she knew the way (sort of).  I say "knew", what I mean is, walk a little this way, walk a little that way and then back.  Again, this is just ramblings of a bitter barefoot buffoon.  It was more barefoot walking then necessary...of course that could have been the summary of my day to that point as well.

We started out going through the forest of Bamboo (for name sake) and ended up at a river with low tide.  What does low tide mean?  Lots of rocks for Adam’s new "Hawaiian summer feet".  That’s what.

I did however find a really sweet bamboo walking stick (Tony!) at the end of the forest that I now look back and know was left there just for me.  I was going to need it, I just didn’t know how much.

I was by myself most of the trail.  Following footprints and hearing voices (not in my head) to find my way, it took me longer to make my way through the trail because of the fact that my feet did not agree with the terrain on several occasions.

It was like “Indiana Jones” meets “Tomb Raider” because when you’re barefoot, you have to find the right rock, your foot has to be placed on the right point.  You have to map your way through and use the walking stick to alleviate some of the force.  I was using the stick as a prop in some places, as a tester in others.  

In "The Last Crusade", if Indiana didn't choose the right spot, he fell to his death...this was similar to my journey in many ways that don't include death.  

But great pain was to be had if there was a poor choice!

Testing water levels, slickness, strength.  I felt like an actual woodsman or some kind of caveman.  Considering I was already half-naked, covered in mud, and sweating profusely.  I could have been, I was yelling like one at least.  It was great!

The trail just kept getting more interesting the further we went.  There were many spots on the journey which was "do this, or turn around" because there was no other way to the other side.  Very do or die...which I enjoyed.

There were three separate areas where there were ropes to climb.  Which you had a choice to either pull your way up to the next level or go home.  One even had a ladder, but it was again more difficult for me because I didn’t have any traction on the mud and slick rocks so a lot of it was upper body strength and of course, my bamboo stick.

Which I could have left and made it easier, but he had become a necessity for me.  We were on this trip together.  

The bamboo stick and I had become quite fond of each other and I began talking to him through my journey, I was determined not to leave him behind.  All of my friends had went ahead with their "awesome shoes", great luxuries on this day!  

He did try to get away from me a couple of times but that’s because he was a silly bamboo stick and didn’t know his place in our hierarchy just yet.

Again, I was alone most of the time so I needed some companionship for such an awesome adventure and I felt like he might know what I was going through.

There were also two other of my favorite occasions where we needed to jump off waterfalls to keep going.  This is where my bamboo buddy came in handy, for depth purposes.   It was so awesome, I had never done anything like this before. 

Maybe one or the other, but when your options are swim or go back, you swim, there’s no other way.

There’s no walking either, it’s too deep so there I was in the middle of a Hawaiian jungle doing the frog stroke with a bamboo stick in my mouth like a canine.  I wouldn’t have changed it for the world.  All I kept thinking was my next purchase would be a water-proof camera.  Oh yeah, that and try not to drown.  Also, I am fully aware that bamboo floats and it was unnecessary to have in my mouth while I swam, but I should point out that it was easier to swim and Tony kept trying to escape (maybe he didn't like me as much as I thought....Nah, that can't be true).

Unfortunately because of the intense terrains, I was unable to take my camera with me.  I need to get a waterproof one if I’m going to continue to be a great conquistador like this, I know that now.  This is one of the only pictures I got.>>>>>

Jackie wouldn’t let me bring the bamboo stick either!  I tried to convince her I could fit it in the car and she wasn’t having it, I think she was jealous of our newly formed bond.  He got me through some tough patches and I showed him the time of his life.

So we said our goodbyes on the road that day.  I left him there in plain view, so that maybe the next person in need of a guide can find him.  He will truly be missed the next time I go hiking but I go on knowing that somewhere out there is some unsuspecting tourist that needs more guidance than I do.

We made our way back to Paia and had dinner.  Then we took Kat & J.R. to the airport and said our goodbyes and we finally realized why the car was so slam packed.  Kat had about four bags and 13 miscellaneous items that they needed to re-pack before their flight.  It was all coming together. 

So now that we had some room in the car to breathe, we headed straight back to Paia to get Jackie’s phone.

The plan was to get the phone at the hostess stand but Jackie wanted to find the nice people who helped her and buy them a drink for their trouble but they had already left.  So we decided to have that drink for ourselves.

We grabbed some beers and sat down at the bar and just recapped the day.  We were just talking about nonsense, naturally; as I usually tend to do when I’m around other people, especially friends who can handle my sense of humor.

As we were about to leave, I looked over and close by where we were sitting was Owen Wilson.  He wasn’t at the bar with us but he was at the next table over.  He was in a black baseball cap having a chat with some random couple.

I’m not the type to get up-in-arms about celebrities so I just passed through and we went back to Jackie’s house.

Celebrities are people too and I feel like they don’t want to be bothered (I know I wouldn't, not all the time at least).  I treat them as I would want to be treated if I were a celebrity.  

I’ve never been too star struck around them, I don’t see the point in autographs and pictures are cool but like I said, to what purpose?

He was wearing a hat and obviously trying to hide his face a little.  He lives here in Maui apparently, it’s his turf and I’m not going to go butt-in on his conversation and ruin his dinner for one photo that I can show my friends.  That’s pretty rude in my book.

It was still a great first 2 day start in my trip to Maui.  Fun times, great tour guide and full of surprises, doesn’t get much better than that.  

Seven Sacred, leads into the ocean

Having a swim

Blacksand Beach

Raaawwwrrrr!

Days between Halloweens'

North Shore

The days in between the accidentally horrendous Halloween and the credible, decent, and fun Halloween were spent taking in the rest of Oahu.  You can probably take note that I don’t exaggerate on my adjectives…I like to describe things as they are.

This is excluding the Sunday after the terrible Halloween tsunami because my hangover would not allow me anything outside of drinking water, watching basketball and laying the hammock.  All actions that describe things that have little to no movement involved at all.

I had met some really awesome new people so we spent most of the days hanging out together sort of, well the nights really. 

Mari & "Drunken" Barry Ronan

Mari, Jess, Becki and their entire crew of other quiet, yet very hot British chicks, Barry “Drunken” Ronan (self-named) and some of the other Irish lads, my buddy Tajuan, Claire and some of the other Americans.  We all hung out sporadically.  As most relationships at hostels go.

I figured out the key to unlocking the fun at the hostel, well all hostels really.  This one in-particular because it has a lot of potential, they just needed a little help harnessing said potential.  Everything was too spread out at first.  

The courtyard, with its various chairs and tables, was too spread out in my assessment.  So the key was that every afternoon the best course of action was to pull all of the tables and chairs together before anyone came in and got settled with their computers/smartphones, basically rid them of any interaction killing activity.

Which worked of course because I’m a genius, everyone wants to hang out naturally.  We are all looking for some form of acceptance.  It’s just some people need a little help or a push to get there.  Once there, it's just a matter of time before the drinks, the fun, and the perverted jokes come out...okay, that last one is my "fault" usually.  

I met Mari and the others on the Hallowbaloo Halloween night while I was getting my costume ready.  They were impressed with my “American enthusiasm” for Halloween.  Not that you can tell that I have a certain level of unhealthy enthusiasm about it, I’ve only written 3 blogs about this ONE occasion.

Dinner & shots of course

We all got together later that week and had dinner, a group of 13 or so after all the tables were brought together of course (cha-ching!).  We sat around drinking and Mari tried to teach us a British drinking game that went horribly awry. 

Mari's also a TEACHER, so she rounded us all up for this

It was a fun game, if we wouldn’t have had so many people because it was incredibly easy to lose interest when your turn wasn't near.  Once that was gone, of course then naturally it became your turn and it was all over after that.   That was our one great night in the “Irish Pub” (nothing Irish about it though) full of drunken buffoonery and lots of laughs. 

Not sure what it is about “Irish Pubs” and why they allow them to be everywhere (whoever THEY are…probably “the Man”, “Oprah”, “Donald Trump”, or some combination of rich people that make bad decisions based on the “greater good”).

It is very rare that one can find an ACTUAL pub that the Irish like to drink in (the blog’s first oxymoron!).  I mean in the sense that most bars simply call themselves Irish because they have Guiness on tap or something dumb, so they slap a bunch of green and mildly racist posters on the walls and now they can claim themselves to be a “pub”.

Hanauma Bay

To fill out the rest of the days betweens Halloweens (bad grammar approved), I went snorkeling in Hanauma Bay which was really great because I had never been snorkeling before and this is apparently one of the premiere spots to do it. 

I completely agree because I got to see multiple Sea-Turtles and scare countless fish that I couldn’t name and there were plenty of separate reefs to choose from. 

Twan' and Me

My buddy Tajuan had been before though, so he showed me the ropes.  I spent most of those days hanging out with ‘Twan actually.  He’s a nurse from Los Angeles and we had a lot in common.  He’s just a really chill and easy going guy, so we hit it off right away.  So that’s who I did most of my exploring with. 

By exploring I mean; checking out chicks, finding good places to eat, watching basketball and sleeping off hangovers (separately, not together. Just thought I’d throw that in there to clarify)…after we hung out drinking naturally.

The Wednesday morning of Halloween my friend Geoff came to pick me up at 6am to go surfing.  Or probably better described as: Geoff let me come along to the north shore while he and his friend went surfing.

The North Shore is the best spot to surf and where all the locals prefer to go.  I knew I was in trouble just talking to Geoff about the size of the waves.  That’s before I got in the car and realized all he had were short boards. 

Geoff’s been surfing for years and his friend grew up in Hawaii.  I’ve been surfing about 5 times, all of which were not completely successful.  None of which were successful when I used a short board.

I put on a brave face for the boys though.  I told them we would see what the waves looked like and that I needed to learn to use a short board at some point…not sure who I was trying to convince though, them or me.

They chose two different spots with good sized waves.  I thought that I may have a decent shot of at least standing up.  It was apparent before I came, to me at least, that I came here to practice and these guys came to surf.

So they hopped off one of ledges closest to the rocks and swam out to the highest breaks.  I however, finally made a decent decision in my life and did not let my ego talk me into going with them. 

I swam out on the opposite side in what I assumed was the channel (still learning how to judge the water itself).  Since I’m new to the sport, I am trying to do a couple of things. 

1. Not die (pretty big on the list of priorities)
2. Not get in the way of the people who know what they are doing

Nice view 

I’ve seen too many movies and TV shows about people in Hawaii getting their asses kicked because they “took someone’s wave”.  Hawaiian locals can be a bit intimidating (purposefully) to the “mainlanders” and I wasn’t trying to step on any huge islanders toes.

Since I can’t fully control myself when I stand up (aka avoid people), I try not to get in the way or do anything if there are a lot of people in the line-up around me.

What I learned in the North Shore that day was that I’m just going to have to get my ass kicked if I ever want to be decent.  Or learn to fight a little better because there really isn't much of a code of conduct in the water.  The surfers like to say there is, but every time I was about to get up someone came along for me to kill...there were WAY too many people in those line-ups and you can’t be timid about getting in on a wave, you just have to go...and hope that you don't in fact, kill.  

Needless to say, I was not successful at either of the spots we went to for various reasons.  At the first place I was in “no man’s land”, with no waves to try to surf and no current to take me back in.  So I spent most of the time paddling…and if you’ve ever been surfing you know that is the least fun part of all surfing. 

My neck, shoulder, and arm muscles felt like I was stiff-arming 2 fat chicks away from a donut. 

I try to put a positive spin on things and tell myself that was my workout for the day…or decade…whatever.  So when I finally made it up to the beach an old man began to chastise me for paddling-in through the wrong spot.  I actually thought that was completely f***** obvious...not sure what his deal was, he was talking about how I could have drowned…which is true I guess…but I was fine, so I think he was making a big deal about nothing.  

There was a lot of bad juju going on with that guy so I walked down the beach away from him.  I’m not sure what it is about me that make people I don’t know come and tell me their life story, their every desire, and/or what they do or do not like about me…but I treated him as I treat most of those people that come to me with a negative energy. 

Like a girlfriend throwing a fit.  I calm them down with the ol’ “smile and nod”, which I believe I have perfected at this point in my life.

I don’t actually care what that person is saying, but they’ll believe I do.  I have the timing down for the nods, the smiles, and even the occasional “wow”, “yeah”, “thanks”, or “really?”.

But most importantly, I’m not one of those people who NEEDS to be right, or even heard for that matter. 

So whenever I get a chance to agree, or make a comment that will effectively end the conversation quicker, I do it.  No matter what, it does usually entail the words, “I see your point, you are right”.  (That one works EVERYTIME)

Example: “Where are you from, California?”, annoying person I’d rather not be talking to asks.

“Sure, that sounds good”- Me, trying desperately to leave. 

Lie or no lie, I’m out.  I could actually care less if I get my point across to that person, I just want it to be over, life is too short to be dealing with f***heads and their pointless conversations.  

So after my “lesson” from the old man, I went over to a nice shaded spot, waited on the guys and had myself a little nap.

Photo has no purpose in the story, just thought it was cool

At the 2^nd place, there were too many people and I froze.  I did stand-up on a few but I went right back down, on my own, because there were people in front of me.  So it wasn’t a complete failure at least.

Geoff and his friend told me that it was good that I had those thoughts and worries because most people just try to get out there with no idea what they’re doing and no regard for other surfers…of course, his friend also told me later that he was glad I didn’t go out with them by the rocks at the first place because he would have been really worried.

This was a nice way for him to tell me that “I suck”, which I do, so you can’t be mad at the truth and I do enjoy a little sugar-coating from time to time. 

Hmm...didn't really SEE the island of "Lost", but you can SEE it right?

I did enjoy the North Shore though, I got to see the island where they filmed “Lost” on ABC, and the two spots that we surfed at (whose names I’ve since forgotten) are really famous and odds are if you’ve seen a TV show or movie about surfing they have done filming there. 

After we came out of the water, I saw Jack Johnson picking his kid up from school on a bicycle.  This made me feel like I was in Hawaii even more than before.  It’s almost as if I could hear his songs playing in my head.

I’m thinking, “how rich are you Jack Johnson, and yet you still come pick your kid up on a bicycle that doesn’t look big enough for you?”.  I mean, how cool is that? 

There were also a list of famous surfers that Geoff’s friend named but I have no idea about any of them. 

That night was the Halloween in Waikiki that I posted out of order, before this one.  Which didn't get nearly as out-of-hand as I thought because I had to catch a flight in the morning.

The next day I flew to the island of Maui to see my friend Jackie.  

My Hawai'i-lloween

Pretty packed obviously

This Halloween was projected (by me) to be the end-all-be-all of Halloween’s.  I had changed the formula on what a successful Halloween would entail…or so I thought.

I planned my costume waaayyyy ahead of schedule this year and proceeded to go all-out to make it come to fruition.  “THOR” was happening and I wasn’t going to take “No” for an answer.    

This in turn, is the opposite of how most of my Halloween plans pan out.  Usually I have no idea what I’m doing until 3 days before, when I stumble upon some old TV show or movie and pick the cheapest way I can look like some random character.

This year I even began researching how to make my own costume and then actually searching for provisions to make this costume happen, right up to my purchase of the authentic “THOR Hammer” which I sent to my friend Geoff’s house in Honolulu.  I had no choice...that had to be the real thing.  I did briefly consider getting a smaller kids toy hammer to carry around, only for the reason that I could  turn that into a running perverted joke about my "bigger hammer is in my pants".  Only when provoked of course....but I chose the former. 

Lilo, THOR, Cesar

Costume: check.

They don’t celebrate Halloween in Australia unless you’re a little kid or so they’ll have you believe.  This information I find incredibly ironic because you’ll find costume parties a major theme and will see all these random Aussies dress up CONSTANTLY from December until September. 

Why do they boycott costumes in the month of October?  I have yet to receive a decent answer, but for some reason Halloween just “isn’t cool” to the Aussies.  So. I decided, screw em’…

Not like it was a big deal but I did quit my job and left a little over a week remaining on my visa so I could find a destination more suitable to my needs.  My needs being the obnoxious urge I have to dress up, drink incessant amounts of hard liquor, and turn whatever character I am into the most perverted step-child version of said character you have ever seen or laid eyes upon. 

I won’t bore you with the details of why I chose Hawaii, mainly because those boring details will come in other articles in the future (have I mentioned that I am a spooky fortune-teller?)

(you will soon read incredibly weird thoughts about nothing important that fly in Adam’s head months from now after you’ve forgotten about all this sentence and he has gotten his lazy ass around to to actually writing them….wohooooo…or more accurately, I’m going to write about a lot of strange and unimportant events…I have no sense if you’ll read it or not…wohoooo)

Yes, you pictured it right.  My arms were doing that weird magician/maegi thing while you were reading that.

Long story short, I chose Hawaii because in my head (as previously stated) it was the cheapest route home.  The details I will spare you (until later…wohoooo) are the 37 different ideas I’ve had since then and why I will NOT be going home after Hawaii even though that was the original plan.

 

Large breasted Japanese school girl...
Yes please!

That, and I KNEW the only place I could travel to get a respectable Halloween (cough*) was in the U.S. of A.  We’re the only ones who do it right…(not just my opinion…)..from what I’ve been told.

*FANTASTICALLY ASS-SLAPPIN’ GOOD TIME*

Destination: check.

That’s all you really need to know.  Once I got on Facebook, I found out that I actually had a few friends living in Maui and Honolulu.  All of which I have kept barely any contact with but consider close enough to ask for suggestions and/or help around the islands.

Not that I need to be your good friend for that, but I do like these people. 

As comedian Dave Attell would say, “If you need directions, ask the man with one leg…he has information for you…he knows the map and location of all known elevators, he knows the fastest way to get there!”…also none of them have only 1 leg…it’s just a funny anecdote.

I was just going to go to a cool destination, dressing up and finding something to do but once I messaged them, I found out about “Hallowbaloo”.  Only I would randomly pick a destination based on absolutely nothing and find my way to a killer Halloween music festival!  Good thing I got somebody on my side up there because I have no idea what’s going on down here...

This festival subsequently shuts down the entire Chinatown district of Honolulu for a massive costume party/concert.  I started researching “Hallowbaloo” and found out that it was a FREE concert, repeat FREE CONCERT.  With 40 bands on 4 stages that is spread across 2 days. 

Should have been the scene in Honolulu...
Waikiki worked though

The kicker is, everyone dresses up!  They have beer vendors in the street and surprisingly mild security for other amenities one wishes to indulge in (aka sneak in under your costume).

For a guy who leaps before he looks on more instances than I care to reveal.  I believe I can define that clearly as a win-win.

I even went as far as to purchase a ticket to the clubs afterward online.  The concert series only lasted until 11 and then they make you buy wristbands to get into all the bars/clubs.  So I purchased mine online early because let’s face it, I shan't be going home on this evening! 

Needless to say I was pumped!  So pumped in fact that it’s already over, the festival didn’t even f***** happen and I used the word “shan't” based on my own excitement while typing this! (I shall also refrain from using "shan't" in the future, which apparently IS a word...just not one I should be using)

I got to the hostel and told everyone within earshot.  To no avail however, no one even knew what I was talking about nor did they hear about it at all.  Not a shocker, I had expected this from hosteliens.  I was completely prepared to go out on my own in my super cool “THOR” outfit. 

I did find a lot of really cool and interested hosteliens though.  Most who impressed me with their meagre attempt to come up with last second costumes ranging from “putting on a hat” to “wearing their bed sheets as a toga”. 

Resemblance is uncanny

There wasn’t much to be expected because if I had to guess, I’d say with the utmost assurance that I am the first backpacker to travel (with costume) to a destination FOR Halloween. 

On a side note: I did think it was funny that after I got to know some of them, the rumour around the hostel was that “THOR” was staying there.  This is before they even saw the outfit; all they saw was me carrying around “The Hammer”. 

This is funny in its own right because they actually thought that I was just carrying this thing around the world with me…

(hmmm….now there’s an idea though…Asia would LOVE that.  Or they would believe I was actually "THOR" and expect me to do heroic things.  Too much pressure...and I'm way too lazy...so I think I'll just send it home...)

So I armed myself with some left over beers and a $12 bottle (yes, ENTIRE bottle) of whipped cream vodka (Yes, that same bottle from the previous entry). 

One more side note: If you haven’t tried Pennacle’s Whipped Cream Vodka, then you shame us all.  It’s the best thing I’ve had in my mouth since…you know what?...just…go out and buy some right now!  Forget I mentioned anything about my mouth…

If you’re wondering what I did to make this wondrous costume then try this link: http://thatlowdown.blogspot.com/2012/10/halloween-costume-rules.html

We were all in the kitchen drinking (isn’t that how most great nights start?).  With all the potential in the world for what was meant to be a great night. 

Had to get a pic with the mexican Power Rangers

Then right as we are about to leave; Andrew; the owner's son, comes to us and says that there is a tsunami warning on the island because of the “Superstorm Sandy”.

 

“Don’t worry or listen to anyone else because it won’t affect us”, he tells us, “it will hit the North Shore and it won’t be anywhere near tsunami proportions”.

I believed him.  Or…didn’t hear him correctly. 

I didn’t actually care to be honest, I was determined that nothing was going to stop me from having the best Halloween anybody has ever had ever.  Obviously the vodka had transformed me into the actual “THOR” because at no point during that night was I even the slightest bit worried about the possibility of our impending doom.

Andrew and Dusty (who both worked at the hostel) offered me a spot in their cab to head downtown.  I felt bad because at that point I had corralled about 16 people to go with us but they were all catching the bus…and I needed to get there like, 15 minutes ago. 

Me, Dusty, Andrew, & Josh

I’m usually very chill especially in time-related instances (because I’m late to just about EVERYTHING I’ve ever done) but I can be incredibly impatient if I feel like I need to be somewhere or  I am missing something.

So I hopped in the cab with them and one of the German girls named Julia and off we went. 

It was terrible.  It was a bad action movie with Morgan Freeman as the President.  You would have thought that the waves of death were already upon us the way that people were freaking out.

I mean FREAKING OUT.  Andrew got a call in the cab to let us know from someone “in-the-know” that the festival was going to “delayed”.  So we figured we would just go anyway and grab a beer until it started.

By the time we got through all of the traffic and got to Chinatown.  You could tell it was already over.  They had cancelled it.  Anytime you look around an outdoor concert and the vendors are dumping out ice…it’s over.

I’m mortified.  I’m in complete disbelief.  This cannot be.  I'm also, very intoxicated because I've been drinking straight vodka out of my water bottle for about an hour.

There was so much potential I thought.  Honolulu would not sit idly by and let this much money just float away, would they?

Yes. They would.

EVERYONE was in costumes.  It was so sad.  Watching everyone from “The Incredibles” to “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” walking away from the site, even the “Blind Referee” used his cane to figure a way out. 

Good times at "Five-O"

I was completely gutted, so I did what I had to do.  I found us the last bar that was open and we went for defenseless and defeated shots. 

We had to head back to Waikiki after that, all the bars were closing as well.  The FREAK OUT continued all the way back.  I was in no sort of rush however, my night had already been ruined; all the preparation, all the planning, all for naught.

The only redeeming thing I can say about that Saturday night was that after we found the ONLY cab that was willing to take us even remotely close to Waikiki (all the other cabs were leaving and Waikiki was being evactuated), we got out and walked the rest of the way and while we were walking all of the cars lined up in the traffic jam were screaming for me (“THOR”) to save them.

That made me smile, I was glad to know that my costume had not be a waste at least. 

“Save us THOR”, cried the people.

Then I would give them the obligatory “hero point” or a swing of my “HAMMER” for their pleasure and acknowledgement.

A heroic salute!

Again, I like to reiterate that at NO POINT was I even remotely worried…the Hawaiian natives and tourists alike did not share my laid back attitude. 

Even the cops for that matter, on the way into Waikiki you would have thought we committed treason by trying to go back in.  We simply told him we were locals and that we lived on high ground (complete lie…not locals, one story hostel).

I think the best part was hearing about and seeing all of the cars lined up at the gas stations filling up their tanks.  I couldn’t help but think, “wow, there really are idiots all over the world”.

Seriously, where were they going?  All that gas in their car was going to take them real fast toooo where?  IT’S AN ISLAND!

I could see if they were filling up containers for backup generators or something but no, they were all filling up their cars…where are you driving to bro?

Drunkenly making the best of things

We made the best of it though.  We all went back and about 10-15 of us just got completely wasted partly because we didn’t want to have dressed up for nothing, the other part because any second a 40 foot tidal wave could sweep over us and no one wanted to be sober for that.  

I even remember being upset that nothing happened at all.  That's how drunk I was.  I was actually upset that there was all this preparation and all these warnings and I didn't see one drop of water.  No rain, no nothing.  That's a nice gauge to show you my inebriation...I actually thought that a tsunami...would have some form of rain...I was looking for any kind of water to explain these shenanigans...not my brightest moment.  

Fast forward a few days to the actual day of Halloween on Wednesday and “Tsunami Scare 2012” in the past. 

Halloween was back on, in Waikiki this time.  “Hallowbaloo” was apparently back on as well, via the email I received, but they had already sullied my experience so that wasn’t an option (sound bitter much?).

Me, Super-Gonzo, Batgirl
(all homemade outfits by the way)

My buddy Geoff and his girlfriend came to meet me at the hostel.  Unfortunately…and moronically…my friend ‘Twan had booked his flight back to L.A. Halloween night, so it was just me and the happy couple and we went and met some of their friends out.  The other hostel peeps were taking way too long with their new costumes so we decided to head off on our own (again, “I got places to be people!”).

We only went to 2 places, “Five-O” and “Lu-Lu’s” but that was all that was needed.  The real parties on Halloween and the best times to be had are out walking the streets and checking out all the crazy costumes. 

I think the thing I like the most about bars in Hawaii is the atmosphere.  It’s all chill reggae music.  None of these poppy, Katy Perry, Britney Spears (or whoever the "kids" are listening to these days...) type songs.  It’s all “Slightly Stoopid, Bob Marley, Pepper, etc etc). It makes for a really great mood.  It’s not just the bars either, it’s the cabs, the stores, everywhere…it’s so relaxed. 

Don’t worry, the girls still shake their asses like salt-shakers…it’s just to chill music instead of hip-hop.  Probably another reason why I like it. 

We all had decent buzzes going when we left the hostel so it turned into a manageably cheap evening.  We had a contest going that lasted about two blocks…it was five points for everyone who wanted to take a picture with you, one point for every time your costume or name was mentioned.

The view from Lu...Lu's

I blew them all out of the water.  I think I had 17 or 18 points before the game stopped getting mentioned.

It was everything I wanted it to be originally before I knew about the concert and even though I didn’t get nearly as sauced that night (because of my flight to Maui the next day) as I did the previous Saturday, it turned out exactly how I expected/hoped it would.

The potential is there, Hawaii seems to know what they’re doing on the Halloween front so maybe we’ll try “Hallowbaloo” again next year…

Some other cool Halloween costumes/pics:  

This was close to the best...he does win the award
for drunkest person I saw though

  

But...this was the best costume I saw, hands-down
It was HUGE and his Lilo was pretty hot
so he wins...I like dedication